8 cents

The following is a recording from the day before my thyroid surgery. It was one of those days, you know, one of those feel sorry for yourself days. Lots of pressure in business, lots of stress from being worried, etc, etc etc.

I hope you can listen to this and let it help change your perspective, mine was profoundly shifted (AGAIN!!).




slv2all

Loss of Hope

November 29

I have not forgotten, but how do I remember?

How do you remember what you have lost?

A smile, an old photograph, that sweater he used to wear, the way your eyes met hers from across a crowded church. That shirt he got, for finishing that race, his book collection, the way he always smiled even when he was mad, the way he wiped his hands on his napkin, or the way she zipped that last bit of her drink off her can, or the way she ate off your plate.

This world knows a million losses, and in each one of them there is something unique to be treasured.

The loss a father suffers of a child born-still is unique. A handful of us have experienced it, and in that handful only a few will talk about it. What the HECK do you say? What do you remember? What do you hold onto? It is awkward at best, because what is this loss like - like loosing a sibling, or losing a parent, or a distant relative that you barely remember?

no,

it is different than that.

For me it was and is, the loss of hope. Because as you father an unborn child -in reality- as a father, that is all you have. You may have felt a couple of kicks, or lived vicariously through your wife's experience. But really all you loose is the hope of what could be.

In a sense I lost nothing, in another sense I lost everything.

Part of me changed that day, and now years later what is starting to come back is hope. I think it has been missing, and I think I can see some light at the end of this tunnel.

Interesting thing the human soul is.

In the midst of this light, I get to face something else with my friends and family.

I'll be heading under a surgeons knife here in a couple short weeks.

Found a golf ball sized lump on my left thyroid.

Should be routine - in an out.

Strip the left thyroid remove the tumor with it.

and then

Hope.

Hope like everything that this tumor ISN'T, what it could be.

I miss most what my daughter could have brought me, and no, Keziah, you will never be supplanted - not entirely.

Never replaced.

Never forgotten.

Never Cherished.

slv2all

Men, a Call to ACTION

Men, this post is all about you.

We have 1 month left here in 2010, and I for one want to finish STRONG. I have said it before on here, I am a sex addict. Have been for some time, but a while back a couple of guys and me started to kick against this darkness in our lives - and now it is starting to bleed day light (ya that was a shameless plug for that song lovers in a dangerous time, eek sad, but I love that line...) today I am at day 495.

Here is the deal men, I came to a realization, simply put, I'm no where near as great as I make myself out to be in my own head. I've got enough failure to back that up, plus, I could not seem to take a stand of any significance on this issue of sexual purity on my own. It took help, something I call Gospel Accountability.

so here is the invite

Join what we started to call a Fight Club. It is more than just men meeting for beer and wings, it is more than a bible study, it is more than an accountability session, it is more than an AA type support group. The odd thing is it can incorporate all of those things, but it is so much more, simply put, it is 'Men becoming better men' and a solid chase to Total Life Encompassing Authenticity.

I hope every man that reads this will have the desire to Join the Fight - by the way, you are already in this fight, it is just that right now, you are probably in it alone.

You can respond to this post, or, you can anonymously fill out the communication box to the right, a service by bravenet (you will be taken to another window to have your info go through) an email will be sent only to me.

Thanks guys, lets get fighting this battle together and finish 2010 stronger than we have ever finished a year before!

slv2all

Development

Development is always made in relation to someone else. Every reference we have to someone's development, in any area of life is in relation no matter how disconnected. We are placed against a metric, all the time. Runners when they run. Swimmers, UFC fighters, Children as they grow and mature, Business people, moms dads brothers sisters. Every area of life we progress through, as you develop and expand, you pull experience from others communicate your desire, push forward to a new height, strain for a faster time, analyze this year against last year, desire a larger margin, greater organization, increased effectiveness, and so on.

We do this in every area of life.

Every area.

I noticed this while sitting at the table with my family when my 3 yr old asked me how his new born sister would learn how to talk, and how to walk. and I said "she will learn by watching you."

This, is the same dynamic we find in Titus chapter 2 regarding spiritual development.

They will learn by watching us.

We have learned by watching them.

Therefore, who we are, is what we have learned.

Who are we?

Who have we learned from?

Have we learned, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?

Will those looking at us learn those things?

Or will they learn the fruit of this world? Will they learn how to wield criticism, will they learn how to quench with questions, will they learn that self control is not as important as the mask we hide behind? Will they learn that Joy is fleeting because other people control my emotions, or that I am only kind when it suits my interests? Will they learn about the fitfulness of faithfulness, that 'I still have my ring on my finger', but I can't control my tongue, or my mind, or my eyes, or my right hand? Will they learn that gentleness is reserved for putting on diapers and talking to new little children we are meeting for the first time as opposed to siblings, parents, our own children, and people with views that oppose our own?

What will they learn?

What HAVE they learned?

What have you taught, that perhaps it would be better you now go, and humbly un-teach?

slv2all

a picture worth a thousand thoughts

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, this one is worth a thousand thoughts.

That is me, looking at my wife in a hospital bed, 6 weeks ago just after our daughter was born. We have been through hell. Lost our last daughter at the end of her last pregnancy. StillBorn. It ripped at us from every angle.. this picture is part of the ... and back, part of the the 'through hell and back' saying.

I can't remember what I was thinking, I think I was just overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed at the grace that has been shown to me, someone who did not deserve it. Sure Life tosses you shit from time to time, but to you in north america, you won the great lottery of life. you have a car, a cell phone, medical insurance, a great government so much food you end up tossing the bits you just can seem to stuff in.

CJ Meheney a preacher in the US has a saying - I stole it.

when asked 'how are you doing?' he responds

'Better than I deserve"

so do I.

because despite all that crap that has hit the fan, I have fat around my belly, four healthy kids, a wonderful bride to share life with, great friends, wonderful saviour, and the list goes on.

thanks to all of you who have shared in the journey,

slv2all

Impatience

Impatience

I met a very impatient woman tonight. A woman who's impatience has driven her from logical thinking, Who's impatience has driven her from ideal circumstance, from comfort, and into a spiritual dynamic few have known. I'm not talking about the woman waiting at a red light. I'm not talking about a woman waiting for her nails to dry. I'm not talking about a woman who picked the wrong check out line.

I'm talking about Marie Ens.

After you hear no, not now, just wait, long enough.

After you have seen to many kids sold into prostitution.

After you have seen to many kids sent back to abusive fathers, and incognizant mothers.

After you have seen AIDS rip apart a society.

After you have seen enough of despair.

You leave the comfort of your income.

You leave the comfort of retirement.

And follow you heart.

Follow it to the most unlikely places.

Where the rejected, unwanted, unlucky, deemed evil, become a conduit for blessing.

You leave all normalcy behind, and charge ahead with a fire in your belly that will not be quenched, for the planted passion that will not die, that will not go away. It nags at your heart, it pulls at the strings of your creativity, it stresses your familial relationships, it begs from your friends, it inspires, it is unquenchable - because THIS fire was never meant to be quenched.

But while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.

for them.

for every hurting child, for every divorced man. for every abused woman, for every child who has ever had a cigaret butt snuffed out on their skin, for every abandoned child, AIDS riddled mother, for every man locked into the addictive cycle of sexual sin.

for them.

But while we were yet sinners Christ died for us.

What if normalcy was not what you were called to? What if you have more potential than you could ever dream?

This is what the impatient women I met today stands for.

For true change.

Are you patient?

Maybe - for some reasons, you should give up your patience, and chase the unreal world of God's rich blessing. A blessing the world is dying to hear.

slv2all

visit Marie at:

www.placeofrescue.com/

Enjoy The Walk

Enjoy The Walk

These words were spoken to me by my friend Matt Schultz today as I prepared myself to joyfully bring my beautiful bride and my new born daughter home today. "Enjoy the walk" carries with it a profound meaning for me, and it is a demonstration of raw community. Of two men sharing deepest regret, painful hurt, and greatest joy together. And to me today, these are Jesus' words spoken to my soul, a demonstration of not only what we should do when life deals us a perfect hand, but what we should ALWAYS do.

Enjoy the Walk

To each of us in every moment, this is the Word - enjoy the walk.

There will be times when this is impossible.

Times of loss. When spouses die. Or get ill. when kids are gone, when sickness comes. When life is confusing. Bankruptcy. Divorce. Despair.

How do you "Enjoy the Walk" in times like these?

You don't.

But know there is someone else out there, who IS enjoying the walk who could come along side you in your time of need. I have long said that 'every need we have can perfectly be filled by another person' in the true spirit of community. That is the call of this creed - Enjoy the Walk - even in life's un-enjoyable times, to share our experience, our heartache, our devastation, our sullen state with one who can lift us up from the current mire of our existence. This is the clarion call of Christ Jesus - Enjoy the Walk.

In your blessing, in your depravity. In your abuse- and your love. In your bankruptcy-and your abundance. In your loss - and your gain.

Enjoy the walk.

Walk with one another - nothing feels better than helping someone else, then would you give the gift of launching your need into twitter, or facebook, or your community of faith, or your workplace such that, someone could walk with you? That someone could take up your slack, carry your load, help with your burden, meet your need.

I can't imagine writing this type of post in one of the hard times, I'm writing it in one of the good times, but let me tell you this, I have been carried, I have been helped, one thing I have done is I have shared my journey, I have shared my need. I have walked with others through my depravity, and at the very end of what I could endure - I found someone else, ready, willing, able, to carry me. Someone Jesus sent, because he is Lord of it all.

He is Lord of the Harvest - both the ones destroyed by flood, and those where the bins overflow.

Praise his name.

Thank YOU (ya you know who you are) for walking with me in this journey of life.

slv2all

P.S. The walk today, was down the same hallway we walked empty handed 2 years ago. Today hand in hand, I walked my Bride, and my beautiful daughter to a new Joy filled life of abundance, blessing, and a firm calling to BLESS the community that has given me so much. And as we cried, and opened that door hand in hand we remembered the deep regret, the pain, the heartache, the utter devastation - and the hope.

Guarded Blessing

My wife and I have been struck with a lack of Joy.

We have much to be joyful for. But we are guarding that Joy, and that excitement under a veil for one simple yet profound reason.

We don't want to be hurt again.

2 years ago, we suffered a great loss at the end of Lynn's 4th full term pregnancy, our Daughter Keziah Grace Hubert was born still on Nov 29, 2008. The tragedy tore at us personally maritally, and spiritually, and while God in his infinite grace has brought healing mercy to us it has been a long uphill battle. The really good news is that he has brought the restoration of our marriage.

One of the things that happened when we were going through this great trial is that I understood there to be a distance between us in marriage. This was noticed at a time when we were coming together to grieve - and yet there was this deep chasm between us.

I didn't like it.

And so with Christian brothers I we went to work on it. We went to work on me, and in the quiet confusion of pain and loss, I discovered an ugly truth about me, I was a sex addict.

I still am actually.

The difference today is that through gospel accountability, I realize that reality, and have fought it at every front. Today is day 428 No Porn, No self pleasing through masturbation.

And that isn't the great part - that is just the upside of the really ugly part.

And that brings us to today.

The entire of dynamic of my marriage has changed, in fact, my marriage has NEVER been like this, because see - I have been a sex addict since I was 13 years old - when I found my first porn mag at the end of a back alley near my house. Today I live in victory, my wife has full reign on my sexual life - she can ask any question at any time, and expect a full and honest answer. And my men hold me to that as well, we chew away at a high standard for one another.

So why 'Guarded Blessing' as a tittle?

Well here is the deal - we are at the very end of full term pregnancy #5 - and the usually excitement for a new baby is just is not there. Because we are protecting ourselves from the slim chance of another dismal repeat.


Here is my take away. Have you been hurt in the past? Don't let it steal your joy today. Don't let it steal your enthusiasm. Do let it harm trusting in people. Don't let it suck you into a vortex of fear and anxiety. And in here is a message for the people of God - maybe you have been hurt in the past, maybe something didn't work, or someone said something dumb, or made some foolish mistake, don't throw up a guard because to do so is to kill the very spirit the people of God are to be the ambassador of.

It is simple - the people of God are to bring the hope of the world. And the dismal reality is in a lot of places I just don't see it. And the reason I don't is because we are afraid.

The church is afraid of that guy who talks about Jesus while drinking a beer on a deck. The church is afraid of that guy who goes to that party with those 'worldly' people and eats to much, and drinks wine - and yet he talks about God like they are best friends. The church is afraid to get to close to people who use recreational drugs, and getting to close to people of philosophy and psychology and humanism, because the church is afraid it may be lured in. The church is afraid to let a muslim pray in our building, or to eat with them and hear about their spiritual journey, and before you know it the church is guarding the blessing it is meant to bring.


And in my experience when you guard a blessing - you will be struck with a lack of Joy.


slv2all

Stuck in the land between

Dr Seuss in his world renowned book "Oh the places you'll go" describes waiting this way:

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...


"...a most useless place."

Have you ever been there? Right now I am psychologically locked into a place of waiting that will spell something indescribable.

I am hoping and begging for indescribable JOY.

A couple of blogs back (really I should do this more) I wrote about my wife and I loosing a daughter to stillbirth.

Lynn is 37 weeks and counting, I have never been more freaked out.

Our doctor - a specialist, who has been watching Lynn like a hawk told us that we would be induced this thursday. I can't describe what happened in my wife and I's heads last friday, it was like we were finally "allowed" to start planning for this baby.

And so we started cleaning, and preparing, and shopping like mad, and getting the cradle ready, and getting the car seat back from a friend and prepping for the baby like nobody's business, because we are having a baby.

We are having a baby.

And those words bring me to my knees, where I again beg God for Mercy.

Please Lord, Let us have this baby, that we may honour you with another little one who follows you and knows your voice.

This has been the most obscure part of my life, and I feel as though I am on the very precipice of his most abundant blessing - and yet, I continue to guard myself.

Have you ever been here?

have you been to the waiting place?

If you have, please take a brief moment and share - by making a comment bellow.

slv2all

Your Character will be known

99% of our days will actually be forgotten.

Specifically most of the things you say, most of the things you do. A good example of this would be a fairly significant calendar day 5 years ago, pick Christmas or someone significant to you who had a birthday. More than likely you won't be able to pick out specifics of a conversation or even the gifts you gave, but more than likely you would be able to remember what typified the event in relation to your character. I know I can, I would have madly been rushing around trying to finish something in the garage last minute the day before, and making an excuse for that thing I wish I had done.

Brutal.

We are going to try and change that about me - and that is going to take a lot of work.

It is not the small things which survive us, it is the make up of all those small things - character - which survives us forever. How will you be known? Better yet, what are your daily interactions like, perhaps this persistent nagging character flaw is something you end up kicking against day in a day out. My personal plan on working on it is to humbly acknowledge it before the people I live, work and breath along side with on this journey. Because along the way, if I can chip away at things about myself I don't like with those I love, I stand a chance of becoming the person we all want me to be.

slv2all

Everything His

That tree is mine’


I found it.

I watered it.

I nurtured it.

I pruned it.

I cared for it by prepping it for winter

It is on my land

That tree is mine.

However,

The sun,

The nutrients,

The water,

The photosynthesis process,

The myriad of biological processes,

That tree is, mine?

I woke

I worked

I bought seed

I planted

Watered

Watched

I ate

I grew

I cognate

I concluded

And yet

Did I?

Apart from Him?

In all the process it takes for one day, one day for me to experience an behold, what have I to do with it?. No, all is His.

Everything

Every thistle

Thorn

Great oak,

Ant.

Every natural process

Every biological wonder

His

And me,

I am dust.

His dust,

And He finds value in me,

He wants to be with me,

Talk with me,

Listen to me,

Watch me,

Guide me.

And what does he want from me?

Acknowledgment.

That,

All is His

Not mine.

His

Simply

Profoundly

Inexplicably

His.

And yet it makes sense,

Perfectly.

I did nothing, to create the power of the sun, the rotation of the earth, its distance from, perfect, its water, land, mass, perfect..

It is all His.

Resting in his hand

With my best interest in mind.

I am dust, it is where I came from and where I will go, and yet with soul I can point,

To Him.

Will I?

Because he deserves it,

And so much more.

Everything.

His.