Please lend us your voice

Friends and citizens of Red Deer.

There are moments when those to whom much has been given, are obligated to speak with those to whom much has been taken away. I have been given an outstanding heritage, one that I did not ask for or work for, it was just simply given to me. My grand parents were immigrants to Canada, I am only a second generation Canadian. I have enjoyed the benefit of a strong loving family, who was for the most part left alone to explore their full potential inside a new country. My blessings are many, to many to count.

There are many moments, when we forget the sheer luck of what has happened for us. Where we were born, who we were born to, in what province and country we were born. It is unreal, how lucky we are. My thoughts often shift to this place when I am sitting in the presence of those who’s lives have had a different story. I think often of these things when I see the children that Heritage Family Services serves. They did not ask to be abused, they did not ask to be neglected, they were born into different circumstance. Some of them, have learned a lifetime of bad habits, self doubt, self loathing, depression, hatred, anger, all these things have been written on minds who are yet becoming. We have an opportunity to speak positivity, with strength, manifesting encouragement, spreading joy, finding passion, exploring desire, we have the opportunity every day to lift up. We do this, to serve these children in finding their own voice – in a world of so many voices.

We have the opportunity every day to lend our voice, and we do so, in so many little ways. We lend our voice every day, every time we drive, we silently lend our voice to big oil. Every day we shop at the place we shop we lend our voice to big box stores. Every day we live in a city we lend our voice.  Every time we get our favorite coffee, go to our favorite store, unthinkingly we give our voice.

Silently.

Silently we reinforce the plans of others, we may not even know we are doing it, but we are. We vote every day with our feet. We agree with the price of a Tim Horton’s double double. We agree with inexpensive clothing sewn together by the hands of men women and children in Bangladesh. Every day we vote, we agree, we speak our voice, on behalf of Brands, and the ideas of others.

Everyday. Silently.

Try it. Try not speaking any words as you purchase fuel. Eat a meal. Buy a T-shirt. Even if you are silent your are speaking, you are voting, you are agreeing.

I would like you to listen to a video by Shane Koyzan, if you have found this by way of email or on my Blog you can just click the link, if you are reading this in paper form then go to google a search Shane Koyzan “This is my voice”. I love this little video, it shakes me up. It makes me aware, that each one of us has a voice, we are NOT the invisible majority, we are speaking everyday.

Then what I would like you to do is consider adding your voice to those who need just a little help in these next days. The Red Deer Native Friendship society has been working on a very unique project in Red Deer for several years. A very loud minority of Reddeerians, have previously spoken very loudly, some were on the cusp of racial discrimination, some clearly just stepped over the line as they made comments about Indians, and rising crime rates.  My first thought is that I don’t need to remind people about how Residential Schools for aboriginals forever shaped generations of aboriginal people, and why, it is our responsibility now to stand with, but perhaps I do. I will do so by asking a simple question, if your grandparents were taken away from their homes, ripped out of the hands of their mothers and fathers, taken away, taught different things, broken emotionally, spiritually, physically, in the name of being educated by a foreign power, and then dumped back, broken into their society, Where would you be today?

Where would you be? Would you enjoy what you enjoy? Would you have your level of education? Would you have a love for reading? Would you have a love for sport? Would you have the ideas you have? Would you have the dreams you have? Would you have the passions that you have? Would you be reading this?

Wouldn’t even small changes in your past change everything for your future? What would become of me, if my grandfather had decided to start “Hubert’s Grocery” in Calgary instead of Edmonton? Would I even exist?

We don’t know what the future would look life (or the present) but what I do know is that there is something deep inside of me, that hopes to help those who had something taken away, instead of something given.

If I am silent, others will speak on my behalf, will they echo my heart? Will they echo my desire? Your city wants to hear from you. They want to hear your words, I have attached a little letter, one that you can put your own thoughts to, regarding Asooahum Centre, and aboriginal interpretive and community project that is much needed in our community. It will be a place of health, and healing. It may be a place where the clients we serve today live, and serve their community as well.  Because those who disagree, because those who’s questions asked so angrily and full of fear that it boarders on hate speak so loud, I am asking you to speak. I don’t do this very often – ask specifically for your help- but I am asking now. Speak with those who’s future is so bright, but who’s present is still in need of much encouragement.

Justin Hubert

CEO

Heritage Family Services

P.S. Also see a letter from Tanya Shur to me as well as her form letter

______________

Your honour Mayor Morris Flewwelling

As a citizen of Red Deer I want to add my voice along side Tanya Shur and the Red Deer Native Friendship Centre. Asooahum will be an asset to the city of Red Deer, to it’s citizens both aboriginal and non aboriginal. It will allow for both safe, community housing, and the opportunity to experience aboriginal culture in a way that encourages growth within a spirit of community.

As a citizen, I am aware there are many challenges when considering a project like Asooahum, but I believe the opportunities out weigh these challenges. I look forward to visiting the Asooahum, and learning about the aboriginal culture.

Thank you for listening to your citizen, I consider it both a right and a privilege to speak, and have my voice heard on matters in our city. Thank you for considering the needs of those who’s voice is in need of encouragement I hope this project will being a much needed component to our city of embracing and interpreting aboriginal culture.

I urge you to vote in favour of this project receiving the land above when it comes to council for 2^nd & 3^rd reading.

Thank you

___________________

Name

___________________

address

May 22, 2013

Dear Friends and Family of the Friendship Centre:

I come to you weak and small, asking you to pray for the warrior within.  Sitting Bull said that “the task of the warrior is to take care of the elderly, defenseless, those who cannot provide for themselves, and above all, the children, the future of humanity.”   It is for this reason that I’m asking for your help.  If you support this project please send your letter of support to Mayor and Council at the addresses below.

The proposed Culture Centre has been a community dream to have a community gathering space.  When Friendship Centre received money for a housing development in 2008 it was an opportunity to create more affordable cultural housing and create the dream of a gathering space.

This project has endured many changes since it was first conceived in 2008.  The City acquired the four acre site in Clearview North from the Province for one dollar for an affordable housing development; although negotiations began in 2008, the title was not officially transferred to the City of Red Deer until July 2011 and rezoning was required.  In September 2012, City Council did not approve rezoning in Clearview Ridge for the Red Deer Native Friendship Society’s cultural centre and housing development.

Since then, discussions have continued to ensure development of a facility that meets the needs of both the RDNFS, The City of Red Deer and the community, while respecting the aboriginal culture, and acknowledging the impact to the community as a whole. The proposed site that was selected is a sustainable site that considers the social, economic and cultural impacts and, above all, offers a community benefit that cannot be sought elsewhere.  The proposed site is on Riverside Drive, close to, but not directly on the river adjacent to Lion’s Campground.   The joint steering committee chose this site from 20 possible sites as being the most appropriate for our community.   Although not the RDNFS’s first choice it is a good choice providing natural land for ceremony, community recreation, and accessible affordable housing.  

Before this rezoning application goes to council I have been meeting with landowners along with the consultant that the City hired to represent them.  What we are hearing is that people support the project but feel that it is not appropriate for the 3.5 acre parcel identified for this project.   The biggest concern is that it is in the flood plain.  We were assured that it is not in the flood plain but this matter has been referred back to the Engineering firm that did the site study.  We are moving forward with the request for rezoning and will continue to research the site suitability.  We feel that this site is a good fit for our community project.

I would really like to hear from you.  What are your thoughts and concerns about this project?   The Friendship Centre needs your support.  If we want to have this Cultural Centre and housing development I believe that it will take all of us,  pulling together to make it happen in the best way possible.   

Please contact the City Councillors directly, and encourage them to approve the zoning required for this project to avoid delay and use available funding from other levels of government to complete this project as a means to improve the relationship between Aboriginal and non-Aboriginal people in Red Deer and promote the rich cultural contribution our First people make to this city.  To make it easy I’ve attached a form letter for you to start from.  The councillor emails are below.  Please tell council that you support this project and why the land is so important to the success of this project. 

The public hearing and 2^nd and 3^rd reading for this rezoning will be June 10, 2013.  I am asking for your presence if you are able to attend that meeting.   The time will be advertised on the City Website on June 7, 2013.  I humbly ask for your prayers on behalf of the Board of Directors, the staff, and the community members we serve.

In Friendship,

Tanya Schur

Executive Director

Red Deer Native Friendship Society

tschur@rdnfs.com

403-340-0020

Mayor Morris Flewwelling - mayor@reddeer.ca

City Manager Craig Curtis - craig.curtis@reddeer.ca


Councillor Buck Buchanan - buck.buchanan@reddeer.ca


Councillor Paul Harris - paul.harris@reddeer.ca


Councillor Cindy Jefferies - cindy.jefferies@reddeer.ca


Councillor Lynne Mulder - lynne.mulder@reddeer.ca


Councillor Chris Stephan - chris.stephan@reddeer.ca


Councillor Tara Veer - tara.veer@reddeer.ca


Councillor Frank Wong - frank.wong@reddeer.ca


Councillor Dianne Wyntjes - dianne.wyntjes@reddeer.ca

Date:_______________________

Dear Councillors and Mayor Flewwelling,

I am in favor of the rezoning and allocation of the designated 3.5 acre parcel of land along Riverside Drive to the Red Deer Native Friendship Society to build their new Cultural Centre and housing development. I strongly urge you to approve this project when it comes to council this June.  The project is critical to providing multifamily housing in a culturally appropriate setting that will provide for elders and families requiring community support. The Cultural Centre is needed to provide space, resources and a natural environment for cultural activities. Once again, I urge you to vote in favour of this project receiving the land above when it comes to council for 2^nd & 3^rd reading.

____________________________________                      __________________________________

Name                                                                                                                              Signature

Address:

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Desire, the FUEL for brain change

Desire, the FUEL for brain change

The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential... these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.

~Confucius

What are some very examples of Desire being fuel? Well, any time you wanted to learn something.! A lot of the things that we learned we learned as kids – percentage wise, we do MOST of our learning  while we are young – we mastered our first language, learned to walk run talk, bicycle, play various sports, musical instruments, how to whistle, draw, colour, blow our nose, etc. 

But just because we are older, doesn’t mean that our brains don’t have the capability for change, and there are some more recent memories that you and I have about these ongoing changes our brain is able to make. First up lets remember our drivers license,  those first moments in the car were brutal  - frustrating, and awkward, but today – driving is second nature.  What pulled you through? Desire. The desire to drive on your own.

Another example would be if we took you and put you into a big rig, as tough as truckers are, those first few moments in a big rig, are uncomfortable, and awkward, but within weeks or months - because we have the DESIRE to learn- we stick to it, and eventually are able to handle most situations with ease.

Same can be said for your first job like becoming a cashier for the first time – there is an initial time of frustrations then because of DESIRE (I want to keep this job), with time and persistence, all of the codes are memorized, we know what the buttons do, and we become successful in learning.

Start any new thing and there is an uncomfortable time while you learn your new role – but you push forward – again with DESIRE, and learn the new thing.

Each one of these simple examples is positive example of where DESIRE precedes actually brain change, and then continues to FUEL it. – the new actions that you are not used to are you brain finding new process maps, and at first this is chunky, but eventually after repetition it becomes second nature. The driving force behind these changes is your DESIRE.  It doesn’t matter if it is learning new job, or how to do a new hairstyle, the frustration followed by success is your brain changing.

But what about negative brain change? What about learning bad habits? What about when you seem to move backwards in life? Or you seem to have the inability to move forward? Well, it is the same basic process, but there are fundamental errors at play- in essence our DESIRE is in the wrong place, and it can lead to being stuck and depressed. In this place – the fundamentals of brain change are still at play, Desire is still FUEL, but it is pulling us in the wrong direction!

Negative brain change occurs when things happen TOO us. In other words when there are circumstances beyond our control, these time too can bring about brain change.

First lets have a list of a couple of example of negative brain change – or things happening to us:

a car accident

Someone bullies us

Someone we care about

Our parents get divorced

Someone hurts us

When something like this happens it is very easy to get “stuck”: into a series of thoughts that seem to spiral round and round.

Basically what is happening is that our DESIRE has changed!

Think about it, when you had the desire to do something ANYTHING, you put yourself through the discomfort of brain change and eventually got to your goal. But when your DESIRE is for wishing “something in the past did not happen” where are you going? You are going around and around the past event as if it is a place to go!

If I drew a picture of this it would look like this:

We are attracted to our DESIRES, we want them, we focus on them, until we have them, right? But what happens when our DESIRE get’s stuck in the past, for something we wish would not have happened? It might even be a mistake we made, but more likely we get STUCK on DESIRES because of things that happen to us. And because we are creatures that focus on our desires, we end up fixated on these thoughts and regrets about the past. The trouble is we end up right back where we started, when our desire is fixated on things we can’t change.

Positive brain change always makes us better, and in essence, so does negative brain change, but, look at what you get better at! You get better at lying, cheating, hating, better at anger, being in pain, better at depression, self loathing, missing out, as you spin around and around your desire for the past to be different, you are not taking yourself to new highs, you are taking yourself to new lows. 

Brain change is always adding to a previous experience, we learn to stand, then to walk, then to run, then to balance on one foot, then to ride a bike, then to ride a unicycle. There are numerous examples of this of things YOU have done, so don’t feel useless, you have done this in the past and you can do it in the future too! First you learn to drive a go cart, then a car, then a school bus, then a big rig. Pilots who learn to fly the largest planes in the sky didn’t get put at the stick of those planes the first day – they started out in a Cesna, just like everyone else!!!

When we do positive brain change continually, the limits are literally endless – when our desires are focused on possibility. However when our desires are focused on inward unchangeable realities we don’t further ourselves positively, we fuel our own downward spiral.

This is compounded when we are alone, because it is very hard for us to self realize the mistakes we are making, and FURTHER compounded when people pointing out our faults feels like an attack.

So what is the way out? 2 things really, a goal, and a change. First the goal, it doesn’t really matter what it is, but pick something, in the future, that you can most likely achieve if you put your mind to it. When you are picking this thing, have a look at what others are doing that are your age, have similar life situations etc. For instance, pick a physical goal, running a 10K, or weight lifting, or picking a job you want, or even a future purchase you want.

A mindset change. This is longer term, but the change I am talking about is a change of mindset. It can be a change like this:

From “I will never get over this” to “I am hurt”

From “I am hurt” to “I want to be better”

From “I am useless” to “I want to find something I am good at”

From “I am ashamed” to “I want heal”

A mindset change, is the idea of changing the way you speak to yourself. The way that you speak to the person in the mirror. Even the way that you “hear” people around you, the real trick is to start slow and build on the experience, realizing that this is going to take months and years, not minutes. When someone says “you are beautiful/talents/strong” how do you respond (if only in your head) do you say, “well except for” or “no not really” or, “not if you knew what I did last night”? Mindset change is difficult, and it often works best by involving other people, who can positively speak into your life.

Find what you want, be it a mindset change, life change or both! Write it down, and repeat it to yourself every day, multiple times a day, every time your initial thought comes into your mind. So if the thought “I am hurt” keeps coming to mind,  all you want to add to it at first is “I am hurt, but I want to be better” later, you start dropping the “I am hurt” part, and slow by slow, your saying becomes “I want to be better, and, I’m getting better everyday” then it can slowly morph into “I’m getting better everyday, I look forward to what I can accomplish,” and “I look forward to what I can accomplish, this is going to be great!”, and “This is going to be great, I am  awesome”

“I am hurt” is a long way from even wanting to believe that “I am AWESOME.” The transition is slow.

The real trick in all of this is finding something positive you can focus on, and reframing our words to be words full of power, and forward movement, of desires that take us forward. Few people, when writing things like this out would write, “I am stuck in this place of depression and anxiety, and fear, and I want to stay here for the next 10 years of my life.” Yet in our daily practice we live this reality out day after day.

The other major component in all of this is the need for other people. The other REAL component of this is the conversation you are having with yourself! Words have power! We all know this intuitively, if  you tell a small child that they suck, that they are useless, and that they should just quit, long enough, damaged self esteems emerge, we all know this! So, why do you keep saying unhelpful things to yourself? And yet it is so hard to see ourselves repeating patterns, this is why we need other people.!

I did this for years, I got into a real bad head space. A space where I woke up asking myself things like “how am I going to screw up today?” My community of friends dragged me out of it kicking and screaming. How, it took authenticity, it took me, saying what I was really thinking. I like to ask people this question when talking about authenticity ; “If you went to a therapist for help with depression, and all you did was lie during the sessions, how far would you get regarding fixing the problems?”

Not very far.

(Authenticity + Desire) x (Brain change) = a brand new YOU

slv2all

Bring Your Tears to Me!

Bring your tears to me!

I overheard a 4 year old today in a public place, telling mom “time outs DON’T WORK they just make me ANGRY. My own children overheard more, things apparently, the child apparently said “if you want me to be happy STOP GIVIG ME TIME OUTS. To be sure, public places with kids, especially leaving times can be VERY stressful, often in these times you have to rely solely on the status of your relationship with your kids. In an odd balancing act, your kids actually seem to hold the balance of power in public, so how do you makes sure things “go your way?”  Simple, make sure you have their hearts.

And ya, that isn’t so simple. (intentional grammatical error)

Something’s come into, and go out of style. Not just Prada, not just neon. Timeout’s came into “style” on the heals of another – worse – parenting habit, parents who were beating their children. Seriously, in response to some parents who were really struggling, unstudied “professionals” thought it better to have kids be away from parents during these times of high stress. But sending our kids away from us during times of disagreement in their lives (and repeating this over and over) created a new problem. Our kids learned how to be away from us. Sounds simple, but the effects are really quite catastrophic to relationships when you consider it.

Following the teaching of Attachment Theorist, dr Gordon Neufeld, I have learned, what really happens, psychologically, to children during a time out is that the child is stressed out to the max with proximity anxiety, and, conforms, just in order to be close to the ones she loves. You end up hearing things like “I’ll be good mommy, I’ll be good” But so the thought goes, that a time out was better then a quick swat to the behind, as most of the times this lead to parents abusing their kids. So what do you do?

Parents really do hold the balance between simultaneously “holding their child’s heart” while breaking it in the same moment” I’ll never forget the day I learned from Dr Neufled, about “doing the dance” between ‘futility’ and ‘love’ it is this dance that wins a child’s heart over keeps the relationship strong, while not letting a child rule the roost. Let me describe it this way, Sometimes the best answer is simply no, and it might even take you saying NO to get your point across. Let’s take steak knives, and oh, 2 year olds for instance. As my 2 year old reached for something on the counter beside a steak knife, I could only imagine the consequences, so I yelled NO! – freaked the poor little thing out- and saved the day. Then of course I hugged an consoled, a shaken little girl and told her lovingly why I did what I did, to love and protect her. You can literally transliterate that into ANY and all situations in parenting. Sometimes the answer is no about a movie, sometimes the answer is no about chocolate (thank you Easter candy) sometimes the answer s no about a certain friend (when they get older) and many many other things, wearing helmets, playing with matches – shoot , the list is literally endless!!!

About a year ago, I started doing something with my little 1.5 year old, I called it “Bring your tears to me” plenty of things make little kids cry. What we were doing was saying the place to cry is right here, on my chest, not easy all of the time, and frustrating most of the time.  The big idea is that kids feel taken care of in the moments that hurt most. The real challenge didn’t come with my little girl, the real challenge happened with my boy – who just turned 6, as my wife watched me with him, (in the middle of sending him on a time out) she asked – what about “bring your tears to me?” I took a deep breath and called him back.

Why is this important. Lets pull this idea out a few years (or decades) and ask a question, when all is said and done, what do you want with your kids when they are 20? 25? 30? Well, what I want, is to make that slow transition from Parent to Friend. How are we going to do that? I’ll tell you again, what you already know to be true, Habits are formed, by repeated actions, over the course of a long period of time.  If every time your children get into trouble, every time they get anxious, annoyed, or do something wrong, you send them AWAY from you, where does that take your relationship in 15 years? What habit are you building?

What if we built the habit of closeness during times of stress, or when our kids make mistakes?

Lets look at it from a different angle. You are an adult, and you have a friend, but each time you talk to your friend,  they speak to you in demeaning  tones, and continually tell you what you are doing wrong. Soooooo how much time would you like to spend with this person? Minimal amounts I imagine!! How do we do this with our kids? I’m not saying it is easy, but we (ME included – I fail at this EVERYDAY – just ask my wife – or my kids LOL) must change our language, we must change our WORDS!!!

I’ve said before, and I have heard other parents say before (and you have probably heard yourself say) something like this “I just can’t handle you right now” or “You are to much for me” here is the really funny thing about these saying that we say – we go on to actually HANDLE IT!!! We are sitting in a place where our words can actually be a powerful statement of how awesome we are, and we accidental take a weakened stance. I’ve hear dads say things like “I couldn’t handle if my teenager got pregnant.” Really? Bullshit! Because I have watched men, who previously said things like this, shop at Wal-Mart for diapers, and provide for their kids in moments like these.

I’m in process. I’m learning, and I’m failing. I end each day, asking my kids what they are thankful for, telling them how much I love them, asking them for forgiveness when I screw up. I’m not perfect, but I’m starting to understand that Words have POWER, and I’m starting to use language that empowers me as a parent. If I’m going to handle it anyway, I might as well say I’m going to to begin with. In regards to the stressful times, I’m brining my kids close when they mess up, I’m trying use different words when the going gets rough instead of saying “that is NOT how you tie your shoes” I should say “Here sweetie, let me do that for you, and show you how.” (and ya, that last one is a recent example from today…

Lets keep at this fellow parents, we are not done yet, we have time left, and we will get there – keep the dialogue open.

slv2all

Read Dr Neufleds book Hold on to Your Kids – available online as well as at Chapters http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288

Visit his web site: http://neufeldinstitute.com

And in the near future – come to a parenting class, or have a parenting discussion with us a Heritage Family Services (still in the works)

Suicide - how to talk to your kids

I was asked to write about a very difficult topic today. The issue of suicide, and how to talk to your kids. This issue is often complicated by misconceptions inside belief systems, and confuses what we should believe regarding afterlife, and God’s perspective on the whole thing.

Weighty stuff, not sure, but I hope this helps.

I wanted first to point out a couple of challenges inside the current make up of our society, that make this particular conversation (and others like it) hard to have with our kids. I want to start there.

I read a book this last year about how we react.

That is right, how we react.

The book was called “The Flinch” I’ll post a link at the end for you to look it up, you should read it.

In essence there were a couple of things I learned from this book that have proven really helpful for me! The first thing I learned is the pervading tendency in our society today is to flinch back. We have all done it, in fact, I spent the majority of my life doing it. We do it when we look at email, we do it when we get a visa bill, we do it when all the time in so many different scenarios, we have forgotten that we are doing it. The thing we have forgotten, this things we are doing is flinching back.

I’m not sure when why or under what circumstance I learned to flinch back, but I know for years that is what I did. Flinching back disguises itself in many different ways. How about, stepping on a scale (no I don’t want to, because of what I will see) or how about fixing a machine (no, I’ll probably just break it and make it worse) or how about cooking a new recipe (no it will ruin an evening if I get it wrong) How about talking to that employee about that mistake they made (no, I would not know what to say) or to our friend about that mistake we see them making over and over again (they won’t listen anyway)

All of these and many more are examples of flinching back, ok, but what does flinching forward look like?  Well, flinching forward is seizing problems as opportunities! Huh? For instance we can see a broken appliance as an opportunity to expand our horizons of the things we can fix. You can see a snow storm as a time to connect with people to help. You can see the problems your boss has at work as an opportunities for advancement.

Ok, flinching back, flinching forward, what is your point?

I think as parents we spend a lot of time flinching back, actually to broaden that, I think in relationships we spend a lot of time flinching back. We are uncomfortable, there are tears involved, maybe someone is hurt, and we think to ourselves “well, I just would not know what to say.”

True. You wont know what to say.

Not until you are into it.

A couple of months ago, the air compressor at work packed it in hard, most managers would be reaching for a phone – my manager Reinhard Timmerman reached for a wrench. There were parts everywhere – I asked him if he had ever taken one like this apart before.

“Nope.” (big grin)

I asked him if he knew how to put it together.

He stood with greased filled hands and said with a smile

“Well, I took it apart didn’t I?”

:-)

Yes, yes you did. There he was, flinching forward, beautiful, and it took some figuring, but it got fixed, and all put back together, and its been working ever since.

So how do you talk to your kids about _______________?

Today in Red Deer many parents are filling that blank with the word “suicide.”

How do you talk to your kids about suicide?

I don’t know. I don’t know your kids, I don’t know you. I don’t know what angle you take, or what story you tell, I just don’t. What I do know is that in the same way you have flinched forward about anything else in life – booking a holiday, driving in a snow storm, learning how to build something, well, you just do the same thing. You didn’t know how to build a house the first time you did, or drive, or ride a bike, or weld, or cook, but you flinched forward into the unknown, with wild abandon, and you learned as you went. You can do it. I know you can.

One thing that makes talking about suicide uncomfortable is certain beliefs about suicide being “unforgiveable.” This leads to a thought like “people who commit suicide go to hell.” This stands in contrast to some of the things I know in scripture. Such as “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1John 4:8 emphasis mine). This evening I texted a catholic coworker who I know keeps up on where the faithful are in regards to some of this stuff, he passed me on to a very good resource, that echoes my views on the subject. Ron Rolheiser writes a couple of articles on the subject I will reference at the end, he tackles this difficult subject well. This particular summary thought grabbed my attention:

There is an infinite distance between an act done out of weakness and one done out of strength. Likewise there is an absolute distinction between being too bruised to continue to touch life and being too proud to continue to take one's place within it.

Hurting kids, that suffer from the illness (as Ron apply describes it) complete an act out of weakness. And when this happens they are greeted, by (Ron’s Words again) “God's love, unlike ours, goes through locked doors, descends into hell, and breathes out peace where we can't. Most people who die by suicide will awake on the other side to find Christ standing inside their locked doors, inside the heart of their chaos, breathing out peace and gently saying: "Peace be with you!" “

With this in mind how do we talk to kids about these matters, well first, to ensure they are not stricken with the same illness?

I can imagine a time, for us, when we get that continual nagging pain in our sides for a couple of weeks – and we say “oh it is nothing” – that it is at this exact point we need to go and see a doctor. We need to flinch forward!

This is what I am asking that you do with your kids. To be honest, my kids are 2, 5, 10, and 12, I haven’t talked to them much about suicide, sex, drugs, and alcohol, but when the time comes, I’m going to flinch forward. Flinch forward into the uncomfortable reality of those conversations, stumble through my words, say the wrong things, and know, that if they are ill, from the things they hear at school, or whatever, that I will get them the help they need.

And maybe it wont help, maybe this same harsh reality happens to my family, maybe, I loose one of my kids to a mental illness that takes their lives, what shall we do then? Retreat? No, we will flinch forward, because it is the only way to come out the other side.

I’m really not asking you to do something you have not done before, we have all flinched forward! We have all tried something new for the first time! We have all started something without the full knowledge of how it would end! I’m just asking you to do it with your kids! You can do it, I know you can!

Thanks for reading friends – comments are welcome on this difficult subject.

slv2all


To expand (due to a great comment regarding practical advice) Find a time (supper, driving child to school etc) when you can say something like the following: "Hey you know that you can talk to me about anything right?" then gauge your child's response, if you can, look right to the bottom of their eyelids, see if you can see some small tears welling up there, that they are trying to hide.

You really have to be sensitive to the fact that these issues are hard to talk about. The next thing I would say, after a question like this is "You know that Dad loves you very much, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, how about we agree to talk about this later?" This way, you take the fear off of that moment, and pass it to the next - then you can just arrange a time to talk (instead of actually talking), maybe you go for coffee, or a drive, or a walk, it really depends on you guys.

If your child really doesn't want to talk to you, continue to take responsibility for them, find out if there is anyone else who they would feel comfortable talking to. Your spouse, the child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, school counsellors, etc.  You are basically finding them help, if you are unable to. the only other thing I would say is to start young if you can, and keep having this conversation over and over again. If you have older kids, just keep asking, keep persisting that you care. Also, feel free to say things like "Hey, I know life isn't perfect, and, sometimes we fight, but, know that I would do anything for you."

Thanks much for reading and responding - I don't know who responded anonymously, but I hope you get a chance to read this. And I hope it helps - slv2all 

follow me on twitter @justinhubert

Resources:

The Flinch:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Flinch-ebook/dp/B0062Q7S3S

Ron’s Articles on suicide:

http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=160

http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=1038

My own walk down this path:

http://slv2all.blogspot.ca/2012/04/only-way-out-is-in.html

You are what you do

You are what you eat.

Yes.

But what about this?

You are what you do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about neurology lately, about the way our brains work – I’ve been reading a book, called the Happiness Advantage,. And it is making me think about my thinking.

I’ve always been one to think about my thinking, I’ve studied neurological plasticity before, written about it before, but this book is challenging me in a new way – good ways, to think about my thinking, because my thinking is my becoming.

I was searching for a way to describe this, this morning on my drive to work, and then at the T intersection of my road, and a highway (where I normally turn left) I instead took a right – and went to work the wrong way, the longer way. A different way.

Why.

Lots of reasons, but it gave me some needed clarity, some new things to see, and some added to time to think and reflect, so here are some thoughts.

Starting something new:   GRRRRRRRRRR

When was that last time that you started something new? Our family just recently started our two older kids on triathlon club. This turned our regular Wednesday nights upside down, and our regular Sunday mornings into a new mess. Usually we have a lazy Sunday morning and get our butts to church by 11:00, now I have to load bikes and trainers, and organize snacks, and water and crap into the van and drive to the meeting place by 10:00.

Totally different.

And a complete frustration.

Well, at least in the short term.

Something new always adds a level of frustration – always, at least that is my experience. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it is a good thing, because what is actually happening neurologically is that you brain is changing to adapt to your new schedule/surrounding/experience. Have you heard the term “stuck in a rut” well, that is actually a PHYSICAL state of mind. Critical thinkers criticize, optimistic people are optimistic (optimize?) hard workers work hard, work out junkies work out, movie go-ers go to movies, healthy eaters eat healthy, gun owners own lots and lots of guns. Almost all, like 99% of our values, daily actions, mindsets ETC are rooted in our habits, good, bad, or indifferent. But here is the good news about the new SCIENCE of neurological plasticity, you can change, you only need one thing.

DESIRE

Oh, and one more thing about that change, it is going to be frustrating – so if to that DESIRE you add community – someone else- then you have a real shot of making the change stick, because often times, we abandon the new, to get back into the rut of the old.

So how am I doing at this? 

HORRIBLE THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

LOL

No seriously this sucks. It is hard, in the last 2 years I’ve dropped an addiction to Online Porn, I’ve worked hard to restore my marriage, I’ve changed churches, I’ve switched up my job situation (with new people to work with at Thomson Cabinets) I’ve begun a cultural shift of epic proportions at Heritage Family Services, I’ve tried to save Berachah Place from being shut down, I started working out 2-3 times a week with my friend Maynard, and swimming twice a week with my girls, diet changes, etc, and just last week, on Friday, I went through “inventory” on my 12 steps to recovery which put ALL of my past memorable relationships into a new perspective for me.

yeesh

Saturday morning I woke up, looked at my phone, put it back down again, on a bunch of pocket change which I hadn’t put away, the noise irritated me, and I was OFF.

OFF.

I spent the weekend OFF. DONE. FRIED. My poor wife annoyed me, my poor kids annoyed me, my poor dog annoyed me, my house annoyed me. Going to triathlon club annoyed me. If you saw me, I wasn’t smiling, I was grumpy. Because I was OFF

Ever watch a sporting event , when your team is OFF, and there is nothing that can be done to get them back on again?

Ya THAT.

So for those of you that wonder, about this Justin Hubert guy, who always tries to be positive, maybe you wonder if that is fake, or whatever. Well here is my take:

You have your normal way of interacting with your family right. Like in stressful situations. K, lets pick…. late for practice rushing supper to the table, and gotta leave in 15 minutes – that kind of situation – who are you in it? How do you talk? How do you deal with your kid spilling milk AGAIN? Now, just add ONE of your kid’s friends into that situation – just add OnePerson. And guess what, it changes the whole dynamic, now, you say things like “Oh its ok sweetie, I’ll clean it up. So what, are you being fake? No, I don’t think so I think you are being real in both situations, I think the latter situation with the friend is just the person you more want to be like.

This is more about outlook. I am seriously working on me, and its hard work. And, I have a positive outlook, practically where rubber meets road, it’s a bit more grindy. And I think we will all get there. The new science of the mind states that we can actually change PHYSIOLOGTICALLY the make up of our minds, but our desire has to outpace/outweigh the depth of our habit/rut. It is possible to rise above, to go beyond, to be positive in the face of adversity.  Make small incremental changes towards the person you want to be in the future.

This has been a bit of a negative read, thanks for making it this far, I’m posting it, because it is where My head is today. Thanks much and remember – you are what you do, so take what you do that is great – and do that MORE!!

slv2all