Friday 2 December 2011

"Cry baby Cry"

“Cry baby cry!”

These words pierce my soul the other day.

I came in from moving the white stuff around to hear that our little one year old had shared the blessed experience of having another fit.

Fun.

Not sure what it is about a crying baby sucking all the life out of frustrated parents that don’t know “What is up?” or “What they want” or “What set them off”. For those of you that have had 1 year olds, you know, they want to tell you what they want, but they don’t know how – so they point and grunt and throw their head back and, … CRY!!!

But these words have another meaning for us.

“Cry baby cry!”

After our daughter Keziah was born still. We started the slow painful process of rebuilding our lives. On one level (marriage and relationship) we had tough slugging to do (more about that in a future post), on another level we had decisions to make.

The biggest question we would tackle together as husband and wife was if we wanted to have one more child. The answer was simply yes, but there was a waiting time for healing – and then…

9 months of pure agony mixed with joy, anticipation, and ultra sounds. Lots of ultrasounds. Weekly appointments, plans, everything about us was focused on this new little bundle of joy. Every movement evoked a memory of Keziah’s movements, every late night in utero baby sleep jolted us awake with cups of ice water, and thankful baby (Sorry can’t use the term fetal – kinda hate that term) movements. Plans were drawn up around how we would move forward with actual delivery – C section? Induction? When? What was best for baby? What was best for us? For the first time Lynn found out the sex of the baby, we were having – you guessed it, another girl.

More tears, More Joy. More wonderment.

And then came that night at the hospital. That familiar wing – unit 25. Seems like everyone knew the story. And we had eager heart wrenching anticipation of the moments before us.

Been here before. But not like this.

And we would leave this place again – down that same hallway – would we leave empty handed, or….

In all my life I don’t think I had felt such nervous anticipation.

My Bride Lynn was amazing – she was every time.

And then that moment, She was born, and a split second of awkward silence was pierced by my wife’s words. Were they a prayer? Or just desperate visceral desire. I can hear them like she spoke them yesterday…

“Cry Baby CRY!”


And she did...



I’ve got a picture of that moment.

That moment.


When nearly 2 years of tears had been whipped away by the hand of The almighty himself.

Joy returned to my Bride.

And peace to my soul.


And so we lost ourselves in the bliss, mixed with heartache, and Joy of that moment. A moment that never should have been, but was. We had a mixed uncomfortable troubled thankfulness. And then we put our little bundle into her car seat. And walked down the righthand hallway of Unit 25 holding hands. Joy again meshed with sorrow, we cried more tears for the familiarity of the last time we walked that hallway. The last time we didn’t want to leave empty, this time we left with a discomforting satisfaction.

And today, as three older siblings and 2 adults try to pick up the toys chasing after our 1 year old girl, when she cries (and she sure has a set of lungs now) I am reminded both of the cry that was…

And, the cry that wasn’t

slv2all

Tuesday 29 November 2011

Of Angels and things.

Of Angels and things.

Today is the 29th.

Keziah's birth-day.

The Day she was born to us in an uncomfortable, eerie, gut wrenching silence, the kind where you can hear your ears ring.

nothing

And, Gracious nurses, and precious best friends surrounded us, and filled this silence with their lack of words, their own silence, their own bewilderment, their own excruciating cries out to a God that for a moment seemed not to listen.

It's not God.

It is His world that is wrecked by us.

When we pin things on others. When it is always someone else's fault, when we fail to take responsibility for the mess this place we call earth is, on for ourselves - that is when, we make the human experience just a little bit worse.

Rather. What do you own, of the mess? See, you can look at a mess, and say "someone made that, and they should clean it up Dammit!!!" and you can whine and complain for hours.

Or

You can be the change you want to see in your world.

And.

Clean it up. Help out. Get it done.

Have a deep look at yourself, and decide what you will change tomorrow, to make tomorrow the place you want to exist in.

Cry your tears of futility, that no one else will do it. No one else will help. No one else cares as much, and then grab a gear, step on the pedal, and get it done.

Today, my family gathered around a Christmas tree, and to the top of that tree I placed an angel. A beautiful, brown curly haired bright face, Angel. When my Bride and I found this angel we were mesmerized, we 'knew' this was the one. And oddly as we watch our older girls mature, we see their face in this angel, and Keziah's delicate features.

And into the silence.... the piercing silence.

Screams the voice of Almighty God.

"I love you"

"As much as you don't understand stillbirth, as much as you can't comprehend, you are here now, and all of those past experiences made you the wonderful pieces of my creation that you are today."

And, we listened to music. And we spoke of things that could have been. Of friends that could have been, of siblings that could have been, and somehow, sharing it with one another, made it normal, made it better - even though it isn't.

It sucks

But "It sucks" is not the final word of my story. As long as I have breath, the final word of my story is yet to be spoken, and although Christmas has changed, in a weird way, it changed for the better.

Thank you Keziah, for everything that could have been - Happy birthday ~dad

slv2all

Thursday 24 November 2011

It’s Christmas time.

It’s Christmas time.

You know the time of year. You put up lights, you plan your schedule, you probably start on the interior decorations, and begin the Christmas shopping season in conjunction with the “sales” that happen this time of year.

And then there is the music.

I don’t know what it is, there is something about the music.

Christmas is different for us. 3 years ago, My wife and I suffered an anguishing loss this time of year. On November 29th Our Daughter Keziah was born still – 2 weeks shy of our due date.

Peace on earth good will to men, seemed to become the opposite that year.

And it changed Christmas for us forever.

As a man, a husband, and father. I know what I lost, but I will never understand what my wife lost, she lost something more than the rest of us, she lost someone she spend nearly 9 months with, the rest of us lost the hope of what could have been.

Christmas music.

For us, it is a reason to cry, to sit in the uncomfortable realm of NOT knowing, of NOT understanding, of NOT being in control.

But here is what we know:

We know we lost our Daughter at Christmas. We know that this profound loss, drove us – in an unexplained way, back into each other’s arms. We know that through tragic circumstances we began to change, we began to love each other again. We know that as a husband, I finally got my @%&# together to be the man that God called me to be. We know that Jesus is real, and is the real meaning of Christmas, and that, just because he is real and because we believe in Him, doesn’t mean that we will be spared from all sorts of pain in this life.

We also found out something else.

We found out that the Daughter we now hold at Christmas, our precious little, rambunctious, walking Bubbly, whiney, snotty, lovely, sweet little 1 year old girl Amayah is here and if Keziah had lived, Amayah would have never been.

So, we sit here confused.

Angry yet thankful. Happy on the outside, still awkwardly wrecked on the inside.

Bewildered.

And I am simply reminded. Justin, you are not in control of everything, you are in control of somethings.

It isn’t what happens too you that defines you.

It is how you respond.

slv2all

Friday 18 November 2011

Continual Self Improvement

Hay blog,

It has been a while.

Friend of mine Matt Schultz asked me why I hadn’t blogged. Ask me why I blogged when the journey was rough, but haven’t in so long.

Matt said something else that inspired me to write this, he said he missed my writing.

Thanks Matt

It has been a while.

As you may note, my blog posts come from the heart. From some place deep within, kinda like that place that groans first thing in the morning, or that place deep inside you where smiles are born. In the midst of frustration and pain, my head was looking for answers to what I was feeling deep down there, and this blog was my way of getting those out and dealing with them, to work things out.

I find myself in a continual state of personal improvement.

It is either a sucky place to be, or a great place to be, I haven’t decided yet.

What I do know, is that life is better. Some pages down on this blog you will notice a very personal awareness with a deep issue (Pornography) that I was struggling with. You will be happy to know that today is day 850.

Does that mean that I exist in a constant state of marital bliss?

No.

It is far more visceral than that. It means we still fight, but we fight about different things.

Does it mean I’m the model husband?

No.

Socks on the floor in balls, underwear for some reason missing the hamper by a whole room, dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, van outside, heated garage full of crap.

Does it mean I’m in love with my Bride.

Yes.

Yes, it sure does.

Does it mean I don’t get frustrated with my kids? No, it means I’m trying harder than ever to be a great dad. Harder than ever to create deep abiding relationships with those closest to me.

So what does it mean? Well for me it is one more cog on the flywheel of continual self improvement. It means I’ve done some things right, built some good habits, but I still have a long long way to go.

Someone asked me lately if I believe People can change. Filled with all sorts of awkward emotion I said Yes… Yes, I believe people can change – if they want to.

Second question – do you believe you are good.

(more awkward emotion welling to near tears…) No, I believe I am valuable, I believe my value was written in blood by my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, who died for me, so I could experience freedom and JOY!

So this is what I believe. I believe all people are valuable, every single one of us, I exclude NO-ONE from the list of people who were crated with value. Not the pope, not the president, not environmentalists, not me, not the murderers, not rapists, no one. All are created – equally valued by the one who created us.

Then:

It is up to us if we are going to be someone who adds value, instead of taking it away.

On my journey of self improvement, in every area of life, am I adding value? Am I adding as much value as I can? Is there an opportunity to add value that I am currently not adding value to? Why am I not adding value, why am I holding back?

Are you adding value? Are you adding as much as you can?

Thanks for reading.

And Matt, thanks for your encouragement.

slv2all

Tuesday 5 April 2011

My yoke is easy and my burden is light

My Yoke is easy and my burden is Light
Jesus of Nazareth

These words struck me hard last night.

Couldn’t shake them.

So, in the quiet of night, I put on a jacket and went outside as I often do to sit and listen, and talk a bit.

And the words kept washing over me as I realized how easy things are now in comparison to how oppressive things were before.

My yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

It is simple. And, it is true.

And at times, we sit back and we look at the “extrodinary” things some people do as believers in Jesus. We look at the hours poured into the poor and needy in Calcutta or we look at the man that has a heart for lost muslims, organizing rallies in lieu of the danger of his own life. Or people called out of comfort, to the desert to teach basic hygene while raising young kids, and we think Wow, what a sacrifice, what a tremendous sacrifice, it must be hard. But the more times I hear these words:

My yoke is easy, and my burden is light

the more impressed I was with how God moves on the hearts of mankind in the deepest of simpisity. It doesn’t mean, that it is easy. (seems like a paradox doesn't it?). It doesn’t mean that there will not be HARD work, and excruciating days. The emphasis here is on something holy other than what we tend to normaly dwell on. See normally we are dwelling on our comfort, we dwell on our access to healthcare, clean drinking water, safety, a cushy couch and a warm house, nice smells, abundance of tasty food – and Jesus here is not talking about these things, he isn’t talking about creature comforts.

He is talking about the internal, eternal, longing of the human soul, he is talking about spiritual things.

Spiritual ease

Spiritual weight

Spiritualy then: My yoke is easy and my burden is light

It begs the question, is your yoke HARD and is your burden UNBEARABLE? If it is, then simply – you are not about the work of Jesus, because He said His isn’t.

It isn’t, read his words, hear them, in the deepest place of your human Soul, that place where your burden sits like an anchor weighing you down, that place that you constantly have to push against to get yourself out of bed in the morning, or to talk to that person, or to force a smile on your face.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

It kept ringing through my head underneath the stars last night, and my mind raced to Hebrews where we read about some of the atrocities agaist those who proclaimed Christ Jesus, “put to the flame”, “sawn in two”...

My yoke is easy and my burden is light?

And somehow leading a million people out of Egypt when you’re a guy who struggles with being in the lime light is easier than NOT doing it.

Somehow, pulling your family out of the comfort of north America and placing them in a desert to teach with your young children is easier than NOT doing it?

And some how ___________ _____________ ______________ is easier than NOT doing it?

Because NOT doing it might just be the end of you.

My yoke is easy and my burden is light.

If it isn’t.

Then who are you following?

slv2all

Thursday 17 March 2011

Stop Serving Jesus

Stop Serving Jesus

If I hired you for a job. Sent you to training. Told you story after story of what I wanted done. Gave you the best example I could give you, by showing you myself. And after taking all of this in, you said, "cool thanks for this gift of employment", "I've got some ideas of how I would like to change things a bit". "The changes I want to make are simple, and they will be somewhat effective, maybe not 'transformational' but I think they will do the trick." "You see boss, the things you ask are too great, and, you don't seem to be considering your employees comfort."

And,

If you went about this way, and other people followed you in this way, and this went on for a couple of thousand of years, you have to admit, it would be kinda hard to see things a different way.

This is what I am saying: Stop Serving Jesus - he never wanted to be the object, or the subject. If he did, he would have said different things, and done different things, and set things up differently.

So stop it.

See, at the CORE of everything God intended the cross to accomplish was a person who didn't know Him. And here is the trick that messes us up - messes me up. Is that as soon as we See him, as soon as we are at that place of surrendering to his Lordship - we have to do just that, and understand that surrendering to his Lordship means we are no longer at the centre. And here is the other trick, you gotta figure out what is at His CORE. What did God put at the CORE? What was his NEED for the cross? - simply - Reconciling man to God.

That is it.

Stop adding things.

God's CORE - the centre of his desire for humanity, is Reconciling that humanity to himself. Once Reconciled, one better get at the work of doing what is important to God - what is at his CORE.

And no, as good as work in a church is, as good as it is to hang with other Christians, as good as it is - it isn't what Jesus wanted, if it was, he would have gave us a story about how he wanted it that way.

But he didn't.

See when we get all spun out on Jesus as the centre, and Jesus at the CORE, we end up just serving him. Of just being on the team that fills communion cups, and vacuums the carpet in the building that we have illogically called a Church (Greek word Assembly - not place to Assemble) And because we are all spun out on this path of serving Him (in our own flavour we really end up just serving ourselves), I'm kicking it up a notch with some language that should grab us a bit.

Stop Serving Jesus.

And.

Go serve what he wanted served.

Don't placate to it. Don't treat it with contempt. Don't ignore it. And for Christ's sake don't reject it.

Serve it.

Find it needing water - and find a clean cup.

Find it needing clothing - and buy it new socks.

Find it needing friendship - and sit down for a pint.

Find it lonely - and sacrifice, to spend a night with it.

Find it confused - and listen.

Find it, tithe to it, make it the object, make it the CORE, make it the centre, make it the mission, make it the reason for everything.

Because.

It is the reason for everything.

It.

It, those who are as-of-yet to be reconciled to God and all the goodness he has in store for us.

It, is the reason God sent Jesus to the cross. Because, While we were yet sinners Christ died for us.

Stop Serving Jesus.

Go serve the world he died for.

slv2all

Sunday 6 March 2011

Bobcat, Gehl, and why you do that thing you do… (Neurological Plasticity)

I had the profound privilege of using a Gehl skidsteer this weekend to clear the unbelievable amount of snow that has accumulated on our acreage this winter.

I'm used to operating a Bobcat.

The first couple of hours operating this beautiful machine were extremely frustrating (which included getting it off of the trailer).

I'm what you could call a seasoned skidsteer operator. I've put my hours in, in the seat, I've cleared snow, moved brush, levelled ground, etc, but this was an experience like no other time. So unbelievably frustrating, so, why would I call it a profound privilege to operate a Gehl?

Well here is the thing, I needed to get the work done, I needed to move the snow, within a timeline, and then I needed to get this machine back on the trailer. That is what I needed to do, what was intriguing was what I needed to change in order to do what I needed to get done.

A modern Bobcat uses just hand controls, and this is how it works. You have two leavers with 'hand controls' I can hop in a Bobcat and not even think about what I am doing, just put the machine to work. The right handle operates the right wheels, and part of the bucket mechanism (tilt bucket forward and back) and the left side operates the left side of wheels and raises and lowers the bucket arms. Push both handles forward and both sets of wheels go forward, pull back a bit on the right side with the left side forward, and you slow those wheels, the machine begins to turn. Pull back on one set, and forward on another and you skid the machine in an even quicker turn.

When I hoped in the Gehl I had the expectation that it had the same control system.

Rude awakening.

Gehls are different, way different. Without getting to technical…. right hand control is just for the bucket, left hand control is just for motion. Left hand control front and back moves the machine forward and backwards with a twisting motion of the handle you "spin" the machine, twist clockwise you spin the machine clockwise, counter for counter clockwise.

Wow I was a very slow cautious mess for a while, and i wasn't getting anything done very quickly - I was frustrated, but I needed to get done.

Solution? Learn how to operate this machine.

Ok that is great, where does profound come in?

Well here it is, a very basic neurological function we were all born with. It comes down to something REALLY basic, the capacity to change, to learn, to grow, to alter previous behaviours with a new set of behaviours, that has just one VERY simplistic initiating mechanism - DESIRE.

I needed to get this job done this equates to DESIRE - drive if you will and this caused me to learn a whole new set of skills. First I want to talk about this transition - then I want to speak to how we can apply it.

When you operate a Bobcat you do so with both hands sharing in both types of operation, both hands operate part of the bucket, both hands operate part of the forward, backward, steering operation. In the Gehl I had both hands on the levers very much like a Bobcat - this stimulation was linked neurologically to a set of preconceived mechanical indicators and it was these indicators which had to be relearned. In order to just get this machine to go where I wanted I literally had to take my right hand off of the bucket control and rest it in my lap. Without the stimulus of my right hand on the control I discovered I could now mentally make the leap to figure out how to operate this machine. Even with this knowledge I found it extremely difficult (about half the day through) to do two simultaneous operations (move the machine forward while lowering or raising the bucket) and would often get confused (and yes frustrated again).

The real amazing part was when finally it CLICKED, when I got it, and when I could operate this machine as though I wasn't even thinking about it.

Change

Change, has a big word in the world of neurology - its called neurological plasticity in essence the adaptability of the brain to change to new stimulus. We have all experienced both its positive and detrimental effects. You can literally watch this happening with the movements of an infants hands, you can watch as they learn to reach, to grasp, to gather. You can watch as they learn to talk, listening (stimulus) and speak (response) or any other of a myriad of mechanical movements. You can see this most excellently in some areas, like sports, people learning how to sink 3 point shots, or hockey players being able to hit a 'hole' just an inch high by a mere 3 inches wide. Movements repeated over and over and over and over again (we casually call it "practice makes perfect") become second nature. Remember what it was like the first time you drove a stick shift? Now you don't even think about it, I don't remember learning how to walk…

The negative side of this is found in habits, and addictions, where the same natural process of neurological plasticity is taking place and effecting us in less than pleasing ways. Nail bitting, smoking, alcoholism, gluttony, (just to name a few) are all products of the stimulus response relationship in simple biological terms they are all patterned responses to current stimulus learned over time (and yes when we add chemicals we engrain these behaviours at a quicker rate).

And here is the application (ya this would be the "profound" part).

I believe the same biological process of neurological plasticity is at work behaviourally, and actually to a much greater sense.

huh?

Well let me throw out some terms of what I call learned behaviours.

Anger, Fear, Happiness, Rage, Emotional, Politeness, being a Jerk, easily frustrated, melancholy, abrasive, needy, loud, soft spoken, wise, lacking common sense - oh this list could go on forever.

Pick someone - anyone, and think - EVERY part of WHO that person is, every attribute, every nuance, the way they speak, the way they listen, the way they walk, talk, interact, every thing about them and who they are (from a personality perspective) has been a LEARNED behaviour repeated 1000's if not MILLIONS of times. And it all comes down to the same thing as our mechanical responses (biologically similar) the synapse' in their brains fire in such a way so they come across as BEING the person they have learned to be. So why don't they change the things that get them in trouble, or the things that are unwanted or awkward?

To link it back to my experience with the Bobcat and the Gehl, I had about 40-60 hours operating a Bobcat (if that) I relearned the Gehl in about 6 hours. When it comes to behaviours we are talking about repeated things that have happened every day (for who knows how many hours) of that persons entire life. In fact, this persons personality was shaped (they began responding neurologically to stimulus) while they were still in the womb. Some of the most treacherous examples happen in my work with children as CEO of Heritage Family Services. Children who grow up in abusive homes, only to become abusive people themselves. Another treacherous extreme example would be child soldiers in Africa, who literally do not know of another way to interact with their surroundings.

Ok, so, what do we do with this? Well two things, first I hope it helps you view people differently. That annoying person you have to deal with, or that harsh person, maybe now you can look at them as a product of ALL their previous experiences instead of just a JERK who tries to yank your chain. Secondly I would ask - is there something you want to change about you? If so, how?

Well again, it comes down to one word DESIRE. It is the thing that begins the entire change matrix, it drives everything, as soon as it is gone, the learning ends, PERIOD. And here is the additional take away from a behavioural/psychological perspective, behavioural changes take time, an INORDINATE (that is - not ORDINARY) amount of time. We are talking about changing a behaviour that you have done thousands if not millions of times, this change is going to take time. Okay first thing desire, second thing, Authenticity. You are going to have to get real first with yourself, then with someone else who can help you - why do we need someone else? Well in the skidsteer I had a real simple REMINDERS of what I needed to do differently in order to learn new mechanical responses. What is going to remind you - well simply, other people.

The most profound example I have of this is overcoming sexual addiction in my own life. Now, while the world will tell you that looking at pornography is okay. Let me just simply say its not. There is nothing 'healthy' about it, about the industry that produces it, or the people stuck in the life style. It objectifies women, and kills your marriage as it changes the way your brain works. And no, Mens Health, I don't want to be a 35 year old "master pick up artist" because there is nothing cute of about being a handsome guy with abs living alone sleeping with a different woman every night, sounds more like what monkeys do than people with souls and the capacity to love and be loved. Sexuality is now in front of us every day, on the sidebar, and the grocery store (2 Axe girls for every guy).

And here is the thing, I changed. With the extreme involvement of other people we changed me. Through the use of extreme Authenticity, we moved to where we wanted to be, because we had the desire, and the tools to get there.

So, What do you want to change? What do you want to be different? Will you do the work to move from here to there? The capacity is within you, woven into the very way your brain is wired, the question is, will you use this capacity for harm or for good.

One parting thought - every action we take in life does one of two things it either REINFORCES previous behaviours or charts a new course to new behaviours that become who we want to be in the future.

slv2all


P.S. how many hours did you spend on the phone connecting with people in highschool…. now we have Facebook…. and as a result, our behaviours have changed - one more quick glance of neurological plasticity at work