Of Angels and things.

Of Angels and things.

Today is the 29th.

Keziah's birth-day.

The Day she was born to us in an uncomfortable, eerie, gut wrenching silence, the kind where you can hear your ears ring.

nothing

And, Gracious nurses, and precious best friends surrounded us, and filled this silence with their lack of words, their own silence, their own bewilderment, their own excruciating cries out to a God that for a moment seemed not to listen.

It's not God.

It is His world that is wrecked by us.

When we pin things on others. When it is always someone else's fault, when we fail to take responsibility for the mess this place we call earth is, on for ourselves - that is when, we make the human experience just a little bit worse.

Rather. What do you own, of the mess? See, you can look at a mess, and say "someone made that, and they should clean it up Dammit!!!" and you can whine and complain for hours.

Or

You can be the change you want to see in your world.

And.

Clean it up. Help out. Get it done.

Have a deep look at yourself, and decide what you will change tomorrow, to make tomorrow the place you want to exist in.

Cry your tears of futility, that no one else will do it. No one else will help. No one else cares as much, and then grab a gear, step on the pedal, and get it done.

Today, my family gathered around a Christmas tree, and to the top of that tree I placed an angel. A beautiful, brown curly haired bright face, Angel. When my Bride and I found this angel we were mesmerized, we 'knew' this was the one. And oddly as we watch our older girls mature, we see their face in this angel, and Keziah's delicate features.

And into the silence.... the piercing silence.

Screams the voice of Almighty God.

"I love you"

"As much as you don't understand stillbirth, as much as you can't comprehend, you are here now, and all of those past experiences made you the wonderful pieces of my creation that you are today."

And, we listened to music. And we spoke of things that could have been. Of friends that could have been, of siblings that could have been, and somehow, sharing it with one another, made it normal, made it better - even though it isn't.

It sucks

But "It sucks" is not the final word of my story. As long as I have breath, the final word of my story is yet to be spoken, and although Christmas has changed, in a weird way, it changed for the better.

Thank you Keziah, for everything that could have been - Happy birthday ~dad

slv2all

It’s Christmas time.

It’s Christmas time.

You know the time of year. You put up lights, you plan your schedule, you probably start on the interior decorations, and begin the Christmas shopping season in conjunction with the “sales” that happen this time of year.

And then there is the music.

I don’t know what it is, there is something about the music.

Christmas is different for us. 3 years ago, My wife and I suffered an anguishing loss this time of year. On November 29th Our Daughter Keziah was born still – 2 weeks shy of our due date.

Peace on earth good will to men, seemed to become the opposite that year.

And it changed Christmas for us forever.

As a man, a husband, and father. I know what I lost, but I will never understand what my wife lost, she lost something more than the rest of us, she lost someone she spend nearly 9 months with, the rest of us lost the hope of what could have been.

Christmas music.

For us, it is a reason to cry, to sit in the uncomfortable realm of NOT knowing, of NOT understanding, of NOT being in control.

But here is what we know:

We know we lost our Daughter at Christmas. We know that this profound loss, drove us – in an unexplained way, back into each other’s arms. We know that through tragic circumstances we began to change, we began to love each other again. We know that as a husband, I finally got my @%&# together to be the man that God called me to be. We know that Jesus is real, and is the real meaning of Christmas, and that, just because he is real and because we believe in Him, doesn’t mean that we will be spared from all sorts of pain in this life.

We also found out something else.

We found out that the Daughter we now hold at Christmas, our precious little, rambunctious, walking Bubbly, whiney, snotty, lovely, sweet little 1 year old girl Amayah is here and if Keziah had lived, Amayah would have never been.

So, we sit here confused.

Angry yet thankful. Happy on the outside, still awkwardly wrecked on the inside.

Bewildered.

And I am simply reminded. Justin, you are not in control of everything, you are in control of somethings.

It isn’t what happens too you that defines you.

It is how you respond.

slv2all

Continual Self Improvement

Hay blog,

It has been a while.

Friend of mine Matt Schultz asked me why I hadn’t blogged. Ask me why I blogged when the journey was rough, but haven’t in so long.

Matt said something else that inspired me to write this, he said he missed my writing.

Thanks Matt

It has been a while.

As you may note, my blog posts come from the heart. From some place deep within, kinda like that place that groans first thing in the morning, or that place deep inside you where smiles are born. In the midst of frustration and pain, my head was looking for answers to what I was feeling deep down there, and this blog was my way of getting those out and dealing with them, to work things out.

I find myself in a continual state of personal improvement.

It is either a sucky place to be, or a great place to be, I haven’t decided yet.

What I do know, is that life is better. Some pages down on this blog you will notice a very personal awareness with a deep issue (Pornography) that I was struggling with. You will be happy to know that today is day 850.

Does that mean that I exist in a constant state of marital bliss?

No.

It is far more visceral than that. It means we still fight, but we fight about different things.

Does it mean I’m the model husband?

No.

Socks on the floor in balls, underwear for some reason missing the hamper by a whole room, dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, van outside, heated garage full of crap.

Does it mean I’m in love with my Bride.

Yes.

Yes, it sure does.

Does it mean I don’t get frustrated with my kids? No, it means I’m trying harder than ever to be a great dad. Harder than ever to create deep abiding relationships with those closest to me.

So what does it mean? Well for me it is one more cog on the flywheel of continual self improvement. It means I’ve done some things right, built some good habits, but I still have a long long way to go.

Someone asked me lately if I believe People can change. Filled with all sorts of awkward emotion I said Yes… Yes, I believe people can change – if they want to.

Second question – do you believe you are good.

(more awkward emotion welling to near tears…) No, I believe I am valuable, I believe my value was written in blood by my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, who died for me, so I could experience freedom and JOY!

So this is what I believe. I believe all people are valuable, every single one of us, I exclude NO-ONE from the list of people who were crated with value. Not the pope, not the president, not environmentalists, not me, not the murderers, not rapists, no one. All are created – equally valued by the one who created us.

Then:

It is up to us if we are going to be someone who adds value, instead of taking it away.

On my journey of self improvement, in every area of life, am I adding value? Am I adding as much value as I can? Is there an opportunity to add value that I am currently not adding value to? Why am I not adding value, why am I holding back?

Are you adding value? Are you adding as much as you can?

Thanks for reading.

And Matt, thanks for your encouragement.

slv2all