Loss of Hope

November 29

I have not forgotten, but how do I remember?

How do you remember what you have lost?

A smile, an old photograph, that sweater he used to wear, the way your eyes met hers from across a crowded church. That shirt he got, for finishing that race, his book collection, the way he always smiled even when he was mad, the way he wiped his hands on his napkin, or the way she zipped that last bit of her drink off her can, or the way she ate off your plate.

This world knows a million losses, and in each one of them there is something unique to be treasured.

The loss a father suffers of a child born-still is unique. A handful of us have experienced it, and in that handful only a few will talk about it. What the HECK do you say? What do you remember? What do you hold onto? It is awkward at best, because what is this loss like - like loosing a sibling, or losing a parent, or a distant relative that you barely remember?

no,

it is different than that.

For me it was and is, the loss of hope. Because as you father an unborn child -in reality- as a father, that is all you have. You may have felt a couple of kicks, or lived vicariously through your wife's experience. But really all you loose is the hope of what could be.

In a sense I lost nothing, in another sense I lost everything.

Part of me changed that day, and now years later what is starting to come back is hope. I think it has been missing, and I think I can see some light at the end of this tunnel.

Interesting thing the human soul is.

In the midst of this light, I get to face something else with my friends and family.

I'll be heading under a surgeons knife here in a couple short weeks.

Found a golf ball sized lump on my left thyroid.

Should be routine - in an out.

Strip the left thyroid remove the tumor with it.

and then

Hope.

Hope like everything that this tumor ISN'T, what it could be.

I miss most what my daughter could have brought me, and no, Keziah, you will never be supplanted - not entirely.

Never replaced.

Never forgotten.

Never Cherished.

slv2all

Men, a Call to ACTION

Men, this post is all about you.

We have 1 month left here in 2010, and I for one want to finish STRONG. I have said it before on here, I am a sex addict. Have been for some time, but a while back a couple of guys and me started to kick against this darkness in our lives - and now it is starting to bleed day light (ya that was a shameless plug for that song lovers in a dangerous time, eek sad, but I love that line...) today I am at day 495.

Here is the deal men, I came to a realization, simply put, I'm no where near as great as I make myself out to be in my own head. I've got enough failure to back that up, plus, I could not seem to take a stand of any significance on this issue of sexual purity on my own. It took help, something I call Gospel Accountability.

so here is the invite

Join what we started to call a Fight Club. It is more than just men meeting for beer and wings, it is more than a bible study, it is more than an accountability session, it is more than an AA type support group. The odd thing is it can incorporate all of those things, but it is so much more, simply put, it is 'Men becoming better men' and a solid chase to Total Life Encompassing Authenticity.

I hope every man that reads this will have the desire to Join the Fight - by the way, you are already in this fight, it is just that right now, you are probably in it alone.

You can respond to this post, or, you can anonymously fill out the communication box to the right, a service by bravenet (you will be taken to another window to have your info go through) an email will be sent only to me.

Thanks guys, lets get fighting this battle together and finish 2010 stronger than we have ever finished a year before!

slv2all

Development

Development is always made in relation to someone else. Every reference we have to someone's development, in any area of life is in relation no matter how disconnected. We are placed against a metric, all the time. Runners when they run. Swimmers, UFC fighters, Children as they grow and mature, Business people, moms dads brothers sisters. Every area of life we progress through, as you develop and expand, you pull experience from others communicate your desire, push forward to a new height, strain for a faster time, analyze this year against last year, desire a larger margin, greater organization, increased effectiveness, and so on.

We do this in every area of life.

Every area.

I noticed this while sitting at the table with my family when my 3 yr old asked me how his new born sister would learn how to talk, and how to walk. and I said "she will learn by watching you."

This, is the same dynamic we find in Titus chapter 2 regarding spiritual development.

They will learn by watching us.

We have learned by watching them.

Therefore, who we are, is what we have learned.

Who are we?

Who have we learned from?

Have we learned, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?

Will those looking at us learn those things?

Or will they learn the fruit of this world? Will they learn how to wield criticism, will they learn how to quench with questions, will they learn that self control is not as important as the mask we hide behind? Will they learn that Joy is fleeting because other people control my emotions, or that I am only kind when it suits my interests? Will they learn about the fitfulness of faithfulness, that 'I still have my ring on my finger', but I can't control my tongue, or my mind, or my eyes, or my right hand? Will they learn that gentleness is reserved for putting on diapers and talking to new little children we are meeting for the first time as opposed to siblings, parents, our own children, and people with views that oppose our own?

What will they learn?

What HAVE they learned?

What have you taught, that perhaps it would be better you now go, and humbly un-teach?

slv2all

a picture worth a thousand thoughts

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, this one is worth a thousand thoughts.

That is me, looking at my wife in a hospital bed, 6 weeks ago just after our daughter was born. We have been through hell. Lost our last daughter at the end of her last pregnancy. StillBorn. It ripped at us from every angle.. this picture is part of the ... and back, part of the the 'through hell and back' saying.

I can't remember what I was thinking, I think I was just overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed at the grace that has been shown to me, someone who did not deserve it. Sure Life tosses you shit from time to time, but to you in north america, you won the great lottery of life. you have a car, a cell phone, medical insurance, a great government so much food you end up tossing the bits you just can seem to stuff in.

CJ Meheney a preacher in the US has a saying - I stole it.

when asked 'how are you doing?' he responds

'Better than I deserve"

so do I.

because despite all that crap that has hit the fan, I have fat around my belly, four healthy kids, a wonderful bride to share life with, great friends, wonderful saviour, and the list goes on.

thanks to all of you who have shared in the journey,

slv2all