I was asked to write about a very difficult topic today. The
issue of suicide, and how to talk to your kids. This issue is often complicated
by misconceptions inside belief systems, and confuses what we should believe
regarding afterlife, and God’s perspective on the whole thing.
Weighty stuff, not sure, but I hope this helps.
I wanted first to point out a couple of challenges inside
the current make up of our society, that make this particular conversation (and
others like it) hard to have with our kids. I want to start there.
I read a book this last year about how we react.
That is right, how we react.
The book was called “The Flinch” I’ll post a link at the end
for you to look it up, you should read it.
In essence there were a couple of things I learned from this
book that have proven really helpful for me! The first thing I learned is the
pervading tendency in our society today is to flinch back. We have all done it,
in fact, I spent the majority of my life doing it. We do it when we look at
email, we do it when we get a visa bill, we do it when all the time in so many
different scenarios, we have forgotten that we are doing it. The thing we have
forgotten, this things we are doing is flinching back.
I’m not sure when why or under what circumstance I learned
to flinch back, but I know for years that is what I did. Flinching back
disguises itself in many different ways. How about, stepping on a scale (no I
don’t want to, because of what I will see) or how about fixing a machine (no,
I’ll probably just break it and make it worse) or how about cooking a new recipe
(no it will ruin an evening if I get it wrong) How about talking to that
employee about that mistake they made (no, I would not know what to say) or to
our friend about that mistake we see them making over and over again (they
won’t listen anyway)
All of these and many more are examples of flinching back,
ok, but what does flinching forward look like? Well, flinching forward is seizing problems as
opportunities! Huh? For instance we can see a broken appliance as an
opportunity to expand our horizons of the things we can fix. You can see a snow
storm as a time to connect with people to help. You can see the problems your
boss has at work as an opportunities for advancement.
Ok, flinching back, flinching forward, what is your point?
I think as parents we spend a lot of time flinching back,
actually to broaden that, I think in relationships we spend a lot of time
flinching back. We are uncomfortable, there are tears involved, maybe someone
is hurt, and we think to ourselves “well, I just would not know what to say.”
True. You wont know what to say.
Not until you are into it.
A couple of months ago, the air compressor at work packed it
in hard, most managers would be reaching for a phone – my manager Reinhard
Timmerman reached for a wrench. There were parts everywhere – I asked him if he
had ever taken one like this apart before.
“Nope.” (big grin)
I asked him if he knew how to put it together.
He stood with greased filled hands and said with a smile
“Well, I took it apart didn’t I?”
:-)
Yes, yes you did. There he was, flinching forward,
beautiful, and it took some figuring, but it got fixed, and all put back
together, and its been working ever since.
So how do you talk to your kids about _______________?
Today in Red Deer many parents are filling that blank with
the word “suicide.”
How do you talk to your kids about suicide?
I don’t know. I don’t know your kids, I don’t know you. I
don’t know what angle you take, or what story you tell, I just don’t. What I do
know is that in the same way you have flinched forward about anything else in
life – booking a holiday, driving in a snow storm, learning how to build
something, well, you just do the same thing. You didn’t know how to build a
house the first time you did, or drive, or ride a bike, or weld, or cook, but
you flinched forward into the unknown, with wild abandon, and you learned as
you went. You can do it. I know you can.
One thing that makes talking about suicide uncomfortable is
certain beliefs about suicide being “unforgiveable.” This leads to a thought
like “people who commit suicide go to hell.” This stands in contrast to some of
the things I know in scripture. Such as “Whoever does not love does not know
God, because God is love” (1John 4:8
emphasis mine). This evening I texted a catholic coworker who I know keeps up
on where the faithful are in regards to some of this stuff, he passed me on to
a very good resource, that echoes my views on the subject. Ron Rolheiser writes
a couple of articles on the subject I will reference at the end, he tackles
this difficult subject well. This particular summary thought grabbed my
attention:
There is an infinite distance between an act
done out of weakness and one done out of strength. Likewise there is an absolute
distinction between being too bruised to continue to touch life and being too
proud to continue to take one's place within it.
Hurting kids, that suffer from the illness (as Ron apply
describes it) complete an act out of weakness. And when this happens they are
greeted, by (Ron’s Words again) “God's love, unlike ours, goes through locked
doors, descends into hell, and breathes out peace where we can't. Most people
who die by suicide will awake on the other side to find Christ standing inside
their locked doors, inside the heart of their chaos, breathing out peace and
gently saying: "Peace be with you!" “
With this in mind how do we talk to kids about these
matters, well first, to ensure they are not stricken with the same
illness?
I can imagine a time, for us, when we get that continual
nagging pain in our sides for a couple of weeks – and we say “oh it is nothing”
– that it is at this exact point we need to go and see a doctor. We need to
flinch forward!
This is what I am asking that you do with your kids. To be
honest, my kids are 2, 5, 10, and 12, I haven’t talked to them much about
suicide, sex, drugs, and alcohol, but when the time comes, I’m going to flinch
forward. Flinch forward into the uncomfortable reality of those conversations,
stumble through my words, say the wrong things, and know, that if they are ill,
from the things they hear at school, or whatever, that I will get them the help
they need.
And maybe it wont help, maybe this same harsh reality
happens to my family, maybe, I loose one of my kids to a mental illness that
takes their lives, what shall we do then? Retreat? No, we will flinch forward,
because it is the only way to come out the other side.
I’m really not asking you to do something you have not done
before, we have all flinched forward! We have all tried something new for the
first time! We have all started something without the full knowledge of how it
would end! I’m just asking you to do it with your kids! You can do it, I know you can!
Thanks for reading friends – comments are welcome on this
difficult subject.
slv2all
To expand (due to a great comment regarding practical advice) Find a time (supper, driving child to school etc) when you can say something like the following: "Hey you know that you can talk to me about anything right?" then gauge your child's response, if you can, look right to the bottom of their eyelids, see if you can see some small tears welling up there, that they are trying to hide.
You really have to be sensitive to the fact that these issues are hard to talk about. The next thing I would say, after a question like this is "You know that Dad loves you very much, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, how about we agree to talk about this later?" This way, you take the fear off of that moment, and pass it to the next - then you can just arrange a time to talk (instead of actually talking), maybe you go for coffee, or a drive, or a walk, it really depends on you guys.
If your child really doesn't want to talk to you, continue to take responsibility for them, find out if there is anyone else who they would feel comfortable talking to. Your spouse, the child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, school counsellors, etc. You are basically finding them help, if you are unable to. the only other thing I would say is to start young if you can, and keep having this conversation over and over again. If you have older kids, just keep asking, keep persisting that you care. Also, feel free to say things like "Hey, I know life isn't perfect, and, sometimes we fight, but, know that I would do anything for you."
Thanks much for reading and responding - I don't know who responded anonymously, but I hope you get a chance to read this. And I hope it helps - slv2all
To expand (due to a great comment regarding practical advice) Find a time (supper, driving child to school etc) when you can say something like the following: "Hey you know that you can talk to me about anything right?" then gauge your child's response, if you can, look right to the bottom of their eyelids, see if you can see some small tears welling up there, that they are trying to hide.
You really have to be sensitive to the fact that these issues are hard to talk about. The next thing I would say, after a question like this is "You know that Dad loves you very much, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, how about we agree to talk about this later?" This way, you take the fear off of that moment, and pass it to the next - then you can just arrange a time to talk (instead of actually talking), maybe you go for coffee, or a drive, or a walk, it really depends on you guys.
If your child really doesn't want to talk to you, continue to take responsibility for them, find out if there is anyone else who they would feel comfortable talking to. Your spouse, the child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, school counsellors, etc. You are basically finding them help, if you are unable to. the only other thing I would say is to start young if you can, and keep having this conversation over and over again. If you have older kids, just keep asking, keep persisting that you care. Also, feel free to say things like "Hey, I know life isn't perfect, and, sometimes we fight, but, know that I would do anything for you."
Thanks much for reading and responding - I don't know who responded anonymously, but I hope you get a chance to read this. And I hope it helps - slv2all
follow me on twitter @justinhubert
Resources:
The Flinch:
Ron’s Articles on suicide:
My own walk down this path:
