You are what you do

You are what you eat.

Yes.

But what about this?

You are what you do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about neurology lately, about the way our brains work – I’ve been reading a book, called the Happiness Advantage,. And it is making me think about my thinking.

I’ve always been one to think about my thinking, I’ve studied neurological plasticity before, written about it before, but this book is challenging me in a new way – good ways, to think about my thinking, because my thinking is my becoming.

I was searching for a way to describe this, this morning on my drive to work, and then at the T intersection of my road, and a highway (where I normally turn left) I instead took a right – and went to work the wrong way, the longer way. A different way.

Why.

Lots of reasons, but it gave me some needed clarity, some new things to see, and some added to time to think and reflect, so here are some thoughts.

Starting something new:   GRRRRRRRRRR

When was that last time that you started something new? Our family just recently started our two older kids on triathlon club. This turned our regular Wednesday nights upside down, and our regular Sunday mornings into a new mess. Usually we have a lazy Sunday morning and get our butts to church by 11:00, now I have to load bikes and trainers, and organize snacks, and water and crap into the van and drive to the meeting place by 10:00.

Totally different.

And a complete frustration.

Well, at least in the short term.

Something new always adds a level of frustration – always, at least that is my experience. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it is a good thing, because what is actually happening neurologically is that you brain is changing to adapt to your new schedule/surrounding/experience. Have you heard the term “stuck in a rut” well, that is actually a PHYSICAL state of mind. Critical thinkers criticize, optimistic people are optimistic (optimize?) hard workers work hard, work out junkies work out, movie go-ers go to movies, healthy eaters eat healthy, gun owners own lots and lots of guns. Almost all, like 99% of our values, daily actions, mindsets ETC are rooted in our habits, good, bad, or indifferent. But here is the good news about the new SCIENCE of neurological plasticity, you can change, you only need one thing.

DESIRE

Oh, and one more thing about that change, it is going to be frustrating – so if to that DESIRE you add community – someone else- then you have a real shot of making the change stick, because often times, we abandon the new, to get back into the rut of the old.

So how am I doing at this? 

HORRIBLE THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

LOL

No seriously this sucks. It is hard, in the last 2 years I’ve dropped an addiction to Online Porn, I’ve worked hard to restore my marriage, I’ve changed churches, I’ve switched up my job situation (with new people to work with at Thomson Cabinets) I’ve begun a cultural shift of epic proportions at Heritage Family Services, I’ve tried to save Berachah Place from being shut down, I started working out 2-3 times a week with my friend Maynard, and swimming twice a week with my girls, diet changes, etc, and just last week, on Friday, I went through “inventory” on my 12 steps to recovery which put ALL of my past memorable relationships into a new perspective for me.

yeesh

Saturday morning I woke up, looked at my phone, put it back down again, on a bunch of pocket change which I hadn’t put away, the noise irritated me, and I was OFF.

OFF.

I spent the weekend OFF. DONE. FRIED. My poor wife annoyed me, my poor kids annoyed me, my poor dog annoyed me, my house annoyed me. Going to triathlon club annoyed me. If you saw me, I wasn’t smiling, I was grumpy. Because I was OFF

Ever watch a sporting event , when your team is OFF, and there is nothing that can be done to get them back on again?

Ya THAT.

So for those of you that wonder, about this Justin Hubert guy, who always tries to be positive, maybe you wonder if that is fake, or whatever. Well here is my take:

You have your normal way of interacting with your family right. Like in stressful situations. K, lets pick…. late for practice rushing supper to the table, and gotta leave in 15 minutes – that kind of situation – who are you in it? How do you talk? How do you deal with your kid spilling milk AGAIN? Now, just add ONE of your kid’s friends into that situation – just add OnePerson. And guess what, it changes the whole dynamic, now, you say things like “Oh its ok sweetie, I’ll clean it up. So what, are you being fake? No, I don’t think so I think you are being real in both situations, I think the latter situation with the friend is just the person you more want to be like.

This is more about outlook. I am seriously working on me, and its hard work. And, I have a positive outlook, practically where rubber meets road, it’s a bit more grindy. And I think we will all get there. The new science of the mind states that we can actually change PHYSIOLOGTICALLY the make up of our minds, but our desire has to outpace/outweigh the depth of our habit/rut. It is possible to rise above, to go beyond, to be positive in the face of adversity.  Make small incremental changes towards the person you want to be in the future.

This has been a bit of a negative read, thanks for making it this far, I’m posting it, because it is where My head is today. Thanks much and remember – you are what you do, so take what you do that is great – and do that MORE!!

slv2all

This thing called peace.

This thing called peace.

I learned something about Peace recently.

I think there are two sides to the coin. On one side, there are things that steal our peace away from us. They can be times and events when other people have hurt us, damaged us, stolen from us something that was sacred. Wounds, sometimes deep ones. Sometimes so deep we can’t even put a finger on who exactly it was that hurt us, but we know it happened. Maybe it wasn’t even some deep mistreatment, maybe it was a lack of teaching or care. Maybe someone just didn’t look out for you when you needed them, maybe you were forced to learn a hard lesson, that someone could have taught ahead of time.

Often times I find, on this same side of the coin where peace is stolen, the way we have been hurt and neglected leads to our own failure and mistakes. Heaping our own mistakes onto the mistakes of others in our past is a deep chasm in lacking peace. We want, and we yearn for a release from this soul ripping pain, we don’t even know what it is. Often we can find ourselves at this place I call ‘Again.’

Again, someplace where we don’t want to be, again. At the bottom of another bottle, again. On a web site, again. Having that same conversation, again. Angry, again again. Wishing, again, that we could get out, man up, stop, control ourselves, but again, failing.

Again, and again, and again.

This is a very uncomfortable side to this coin of peace, and yet it is VERY important that we look at it. It is very important that you ask questions about it. It is EXCEEDINGLY important that you bring some other people, to look at this side of the coin with you.

Why?

Because you more than likely won’t get anywhere on it by yourself.

How do I know that?

Well. Think about it. How is what you are currently doing working out for you?

If you currently feel like you are spinning your wheels, and this place of “Again” is kinda bugging you, then doing what you are currently doing now but harder isn’t really going to fix things for you, is it,? It is like loosing traction on a slippery road and stepping on the gas.

You need a tribe, a group of people that care about you that will look at this side of the coin, the side that speaks about the Peace that escapes us, and work on it with you. I plan on writing more on how to Gather Your Tribe in the future, so stay tune.

Now this other side to the  coin of peace.

I call this side – the more positive side, the side of Insatiable Peace.

It is like a bucket that gets filled up, and feels GOOD when it is full. Artists are perhaps the easiest people to look at in this regard. They take pictures, edit them, and present them to a client, and that client posts them to facebook, shares them with their friends on twitter, and prints them, hangs them on their wall, and come back to your website and makes positive comments on them…

All of that feels GREAT. It feels like, when you named this as a dream these VERY moments were that dream coming to true. And it feels awesome!

And then you wake up the next day, and the feeling is gone.

Why?

As much as I believe that the creator planted something inside each one of us, a dream, a gift, a passion, a desire. I don’t care if it is the good feeling you get when your house is clean, or when a baby gets delivered, or when you complete a perfect weld, or have a happy customer,  or a job well done, or a perfectly nailed training week, there is another thing the creator planted deep inside of us.

There is a hole in our bucket.

There is a hole in our bucket and that is a gift?

Yes. This is why I call it Insatiable Peace. Something magical happens when we lay our heads on our pillows at night. A new day dawns, and we get to wake up, and while we have the memory of our bucket being full, the bucket is empty again, and the memory really doesn’t do it for us!

If this didn’t happen, if the peace that comes at living out our dream didn’t leave during the night, then, we would all be satisfied with yesterday’s efforts, and have no need to do anything ever again.

See I think we are closer to living out our dreams them we realize – it’s just that it isn’t something out there, that we are looking for. It is something here, something now. I believe that we see it better when our tribe helps us past our hurts and our hang-ups, when we can forgive ourselves. And when we can see this bucket that we have each been given, when we can discover it with each other, and when we fill it with each other in community, we have a better shot at being at peace.

Although, we will be in peace, in a different way, expectantly waiting for the peace that will always evade us.

slv2all

Practice, and Coaching, the pathway to wholeness and peace.

Practice, and Coaching, the pathway to wholeness and peace.

Today is a wretched day. One of the very hardest for me, on our annual calendar.

And tomorrow is worse.

The way things were supposed to play out, me and my wife were supposed to be in the middle of planning for a four year old girls birthday party in the next couple weeks, while juggling a busy holiday schedule.

But now we are not.

For years ago today my wife, 2 weeks from her due date with our forth child made a heart wrenching discovery. The baby girl she was carrying had stopped moving, kicking, and jostling about. She went to the hospital. Then she called me. I called my mom. That was a long drive. And the night was longer. All I can seem to remember is the piercing silence of those moments, and how they were not going to be broken by the happy sounds of new birth.

Just more wretched silence.

Followed by a brutal walk down the hall of unit 25 in Red Deer. Good friends by our side.

Its been four years since we lost Keziah.

Her birth-day is tomorrow.

And, my heart still breaks when I remember the events that surrounded those days. I was a broken man, maybe someday, I’ll tell you what was really going on, but for now lets just say, our marriage was pushed right to the breaking point during her pregnancy.

It had everything to do with me, walking away from things I had committed to.

Keziah’s death changed all that, but, it got worse before it got better. And at the very fever pitch, with our marriage flailing about on its last legs, I reached out for help.

Boy am I glad I did.

Today I believe that we all have a TRIBE. A group of people around us, ready, willing, able, to help at a moments notice. I believe these people can be put into action, for more than just helping us with flat tires, shingling a roof, party decorations, or baking cakes. Those are all good things, don’t get me wrong.

I’m talking about better things.

Best things.

I’m talking about practice, and coaching.

Every day, as we go through the motions of yet another day, we reinforce (practice) many of the same things. Over and over and over. We don’t think about it as practice. But it is. Practicing with stunning rapidity, the things that will make us our future selves.

Maybe if you think about it you won’t like the things that you are practicing.

I didn’t. I began to HATE the things I was practicing.

Because, the result of all that practice had devastating effect.

Enter my TRIBE, a Tribe, that I opened myself up to let Coach me in my life.

In sports, coaches watch what you are doing, correct, and get you to practice the best way of doing things. The trick with applying this directly to life is, we spend an inordinate amount of energy masking (read, lying, hiding, obscuring)  the true reality of who we really are.  In sports there is no hiding behind a mask, there is TV cameras, game tape, and a score clock beaming your accomplishment (or lack thereof) to the world, there are no masks to hide behind.

Failure in the past CAN be a path to success in the future.

If you are willing to take your mask off, and open yourself up to be coached.

But this is hard work.

And that is what we did.

Today, I am a changed man, but I’m changed because we choose to do the hard work of shining Light into the dark corners of our lives. Coaches get you to practice what they know will be good for you, what they know will help. And it took deep life change, the kind that changes the things you DO, the way you TALK, the way you think about YOURSELF.

It would not have worked, if we choose to keep our masks on. Instead we created a place of safety, where, we were allowed to be vulnerable.

It’s been four years.

Four long years.

Today we have a sweet little 2 year old, that I Know we would not have had – if Keziah had lived. It’s been four years, and as much as I wish it was different, I am confronted with the fact that I can’t wish it was different.

I’m conflicted.

But I am also better.

slv2all

go to SLEEEEP - Parenting!!!

How hard is bed time with your kids?

Ok another question.

How hard is it when you stay in a hotel?

Or.

Are there times when out of nowhere your kids at bed time are completely unruly seemingly out of nowhere?

Ok, here are some quick thoughts on what worked for us in our family of four. Our kids span from 2 years to 12, three girls and my boy is 5.

One of the major understandings that came from my learning with Dr. Gordon Neufeld on Neufeld’s Attachment Theory is the need for parents to consider their kids levels of anxiety, and how that effects their level of “attachment” with us. First maybe I should state that the “big idea” of attachment theory is that kids attach to caring adults that lead them to maturation.

Anxiety and sleep.

First lets talk about my 2 year old, who came into some issues this summer with falling asleep. My wife breast fed her – so she used to fall asleep while feeding – that’s fairly easy (said the dad) as you just put the little one down and go on with your evening. But then feeding ended, and we got locked into a pattern of cuddling to sleep – which works, but is necessary to transition out of. And that brought anxiety. And, anxiety and sleep don’t mix – as you probably know from your adult experience?

How do you reduce the anxiety of a two year old? They don’t talk, they don’t reason very well. They only understand a few basic things.

The main thing that causes anxiety in young kids at bed time is what Neufeld calls a “loss of proximity” with those that are caring for them. In other words – they want to hold you close until they drop off into sweet unconscious sleep. Actually holding them till they sleep can raise another issue – what happens when they wake up in the middle of the night and you are not there anymore? You guessed it, more anxiety in the middle of the night!!

Yay.

This is what we did. We played a little game for a couple of weeks, the biggest thing is to give your kids the feeling of being able to hold on to you while you are not there. Just like you who have a best friend, when even if you have not seen that friend in weeks, still know, that you are best friends. The problem is a 2yr old will loose this connection in about 17 seconds, and what you need to do is try and lengthen this out for a longer period of time – until they are able to fall asleep, and through the whole night.

So we played a game, and we started with her capability – 17 seconds. Kiss on the forehead, “dad will be right back” and “daddy is going to come back and kiss you on the forehead” or “Dad is going to come back and give you a hug” and “close your eyes until dad comes back” walk away, close door. Wait – and the trick is to go right back in before they call for you, and what this does is builds trust in what you say you are going to do you do. Now you start lengthening the time – we got up to 2 minuets, and with successive evenings over 2 weeks longer than that. The final things you can do, to actually transition to sleep is then say “Daddy is going to come back and kiss you once you are sleeping.” Here is the biggest thing – follow through on what you said you would do.

One of the most glorious sounds in the world to me (besides the sound of my 4 kids breast feeding – I know weird right) is the sigh a 2 year old makes when you come in to give them that kiss. The sigh is literally, physical, emotional, neurological and psychological all at once, you know this, in the anxious moments you have had, where the anxiety has been removed, or when you are about to fall asleep. When you relax….. ahhhhhh, THAT sigh.

Another really important thing in relationships with those with whom we are attached is something Neufeld calls “Bridging.” Bridging much like in the real world is the act of connecting something which is apart. When you leave someone’s presence we often “Bridge” to the next time we see them. Think about it, you do it all the time, when you are out with you friends, and the evening is drawing to a close, often we make statements like “see you at work tomorrow” or “can’t wait until the next time” or “I will call you tomorrow.” All of these statements and a myriad more are you “bridging” relationships.

Here is what will help older kids – I just did this with my 12 year old – just now at 10:00 (HAH she isn’t asleep yet and I’m writing about how to get your kids to sleep!!!!) But here is the deal – why isn’t she sleeping yet???? Grrrrrr…. Well when I ask….. (remember to get context) I find out, and remember that she is anxious about the fact that her 2 best friends have sleep over birthday parties on the same day. SHOOT that sucks for her, and it givers her anxiety (major girl issues!!) but hey – those are my responsibility as her dad too! So what did I just do? I asked her (as nicely as I could muster – because it IS frustrating – but try to keep bed time positive) “sweety what is wrong” “I’m still worried about being invited to two parties.” “Ok well, I am driving you to school tomorrow, so we will talk about it then.” That is bridging, and it lowers anxiety – tomorrow I will follow through.

 You can bridge with a 2yr old by saying – “see you in your dreams”, or “I’ll kiss you while you are sleeping”

For dads who work away you bridge by saying “dad is going away for a few days, I’ll call when I get to camp” – this lowers anxiety. You can say “I won’t see you till I get home from work, and if I’m late for supper I will text mom.” All of these sayings – and so many more that you will think of, lower the anxiety of our kids and maintain the connection.

Ok back to sleep – we try to end on the positive, say 3 or 4 positive things to each kid about their day, then we makes sure to say to each one, what will happen in the morning, who will be here, what we are going to do.

Hope this helps, happy parenting!!!

slv2all

Bullying - a parents natural responsibility

Bullying.

What is a parents natural responsibility?

No one I have met, would say that a parent isn’t 100% responsible for an infant. Recently many online friends have or about to experience the natural wonder of childbirth. My online friend Becky Ainsley was the last person I know, who’s heart melted at the little bottom quivering lip of her infant son – see her story here: http://www.thebexfactor.com/2012/10/16/meet-mr-liam-john/

No one denies the responsibility of a parent at these moments. Infants are completely reliant on us, to feed, clean, nurture, connect.

So ok, that is a 1 week old, or, a 1 year old. What about a 12 year old?

I would argue that you are still 100% responsible but the role has changed.

Lets look at it this way – our job as parents is to nurture and protect our kids, until they are living breathing, contributing, fully aware adults, able to make their own responsible ethical and moral decisions, fix their own mistakes, and forge out their own lives. Can a 12 year old do that? Can they drive? Hold a job? Pay a mortgage?

Can a 15 year old? – still dependant?

16?

17?

25?

Where is the magic line?

Think about this, at your age – be it 28, 35, 40, 20, 22, what do you still need and want from your parents? Maybe it is a past regret – what do you wish they had done, maybe your parents have passed on, what do you still long for? A connection? An ear? Advice? A shoulder? Help? Guidance? Then how much more does a 12 year old need this? Amanda Todd was 12 when she made a mistake online.

For some reason, the industrial revolution pushes kids to early independence, if you listen to us, or watch us, parents start saying things like:

 “I don’t know”

“I don’t care”

“that is your choice, your consequences”

“Why should I help you with that”

“You made your own bed now you have to sleep in it”

Most of these statements – are probably true in their own right with a number of situations, the problem is what they convey to a young child’s mind. To the exact same issue, a parent could just as easily say (copy this list – I want it to be your mantra – your lines to rehearse and say, every day to your kids):

“I will take care of you”

‘this sucks, we will take care of it together”

“Sometimes we make mistakes – I want to help you fix it”

“I’m not sure, but Dad will help you find a solution”

“Every action we take has consequences, but I Love you, and we will see it through together”

“my love is deeper than any hole you could dig, I’ll help get you out of this”

There are many stages of maturing that go on with kids:

For a while they can’t eat – we provide!

For a while they can’t walk – we carry them!

For a while they can’t talk – we seek to understand them!

For a while they get sick – we spend hours in the ER!

For a while they do crazy stupid things – we bandage them up!

For a while they try new skills and fail – we encourage them to go on!

For a while they get hurt in relationships – we talk listen and comfort them!

For a while they struggle with their studies – we sit down with them!

For a while they get a job – we joyfully provide the transportation!

For a while they have dreams – we listen, encourage, and believe!

For a while they run into evil people – we protect their hearts!

Ok, so how?

It is your responsibility to “GATHER” your kids. Every day, multiple times a day, until they are out of your house, then even as adults, when you see them, gather them, connect with them ask how they are doing.

How?

It will all be in the eyes. And you know that this is true. How do I know it? – You experience it just like anyone else. Every single day. You do this with your friends like this:

You go out for coffee, they walk in, they don’t make eye contact, they are searching out the floor, there is no smile, they get coffee, sit, still they don’t look at you in the eye, they wait for you to say something, but, they haven’t engaged yet. Uncomfortable? They were fine yesterday, in fact yesterday they were happy and looking forward to coffee. Today they are – not here…. More uncomfortable moments pass, you have some small talk, weather, kids… but there is no connection, then not being able to stand it you say “Jill, what’s wrong?” you can see tears whelm up in her eyes, she is still unwilling to say anything, you instinctively reach out, and touch her hand, and then it happens, the tears come, the regret pours out, the story comes, about the fight they had, and the things she said, and THERE IT IS – WHAM, eye contact!!! Connection made. It is one of the magical things about human interaction. Now to flip the switch – it is your responsibility as a parent – to make this same deep connection with your kids – every single day. In the morning, after school, after hockey practice, after lunch…. Multiple times, every day, until you are tired of it, until you know in your heart – that they have been connected with – until they hear you and you hear them. Connect until it drives them nuts - and then turn it into giggles...(just tell them sheepishly that your nuts about them)...

Bullying

What has happened?

Kids are unconnected from their parents. And the human spirit, does not like a lack of connection – deep within us, is the primal instinct to be known, to be understood, to be heard, to be cared for.

And when kids get yelled at by their parents. When their parents say they "don’t care," when parents push their kids away to their rooms. When parents don’t "give a shit about [their] kids petty problems." When parents tell their kids to “deal with it” themselves. Kids are still longing for a connection – what happens? They connect with each other. Dr Gordon Neufeld in his ground breaking work on Attachment Theory calls it “Peer orientation.” When kids “don’t give a fuck what mom and dad think” and they instead listen to their friends about all things sexual, drugs, alcohol, friends, relationships, online activity, you have a problem. Why? Because teenagers are fickle, mean, on and off relationships – in short, they are not mature, and they were never intended to “Hold each others hearts” – that is what parents – or concerned, caring adults are for.

I have no control over bullies. I have no control over a major portions of my 12yr olds day. I don’t want her to be bullied, but she will be. And this does not mean, that I can’t hold her heart, engage with her every day, ask her how she is doing, and make eye contact with her. Every one of her problems is my problem - my responsibility.

Here is a list of things that keep us from making eye contact:

When you tell a lie

When you make a mistake

When we are hurt

When we feel vulnerable

When we fail

When we have done something shameful

When we have stolen something

When we have had a bad day

When we have hurt someone else

When we engage in something non age appropriate - sex, drugs, alcohol

If your kids won’t look you in the eye – something is wrong, it is your responsibility to figure out what. To keep your relationship the safest place on earth for them, and just like Bex ( @beckyainsley ), what wouldn’t mother bear do to protect her “little monster” from all the evil in this world? Just like her, it is your responsibility to maintain the connection, protect, guide, nurture, listen, talk, praise, and find the way out of any mess life brings – holding hands together.

slv2all

P.S. a lot of these thoughts come from Dr. Gordon's ground breaking work on Attachment Theory - read his book Hold on to your kids, go to his website for more info www.gordonneufeld.com

The only way out is IN

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

Why did I see you this way? Why did I see your pain? Why did I see, what you didn’t want me to see?

Simple.

Me too.

I’ve been alone in a room full of people. I’ve smiled, shook hands and been “happy” while on the inside I’m screaming: “WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY CARE!!!!!”

I too have gone through the motions of this life, I’ve gotten up, drove my kids to school, got coffee, managed my way through a day, gone home, eaten, cleaned, kissed, said I love you, slept, and repeated- and wondered how much more I could take.

And thought, “I can’t take anymore.”

How bad could it get?

Bad.

How do you get out of this loop?

?

Image yourself, and this loop, going round and round, each day, another trip around the vortex. There are a couple of ways to get out. Some choose to quit. Some choose to abandon families, to book out and “move on” but really they just move to a higher part of the same vortex further disconnected from the centre and what they really want. The centre looks scary as it gets narrower, tighter, it looks like death, its more comfy spinning around up at the outer rings. Or is it? Some people decide to just keep spinning exactly where they are, day after day, year after year. They just keep whipping around, with really no hope of anything changing, but no satisfaction in what is going on either, decade after decade until the ride ends. Some people choose to stop, each has their own method, their own way, they make the choice to end the ride early.

There is another way.

A couple of years ago, I found myself right at the top of that spinning vortex, about to get flung out or about to do something, end the ride? I don’t know if I was there, but there was a lot of nights, a lot of loneliness, in the midst of a world full of people. A lot of thoughts. One night in particular I was on a walk with my dog when I came to a set of train tracks. A train came to the crossing right at the same time I did. I don’t know if you have ever been there. I wasn’t in a place to decide that I wanted to end the ride, but I was in a place of contemplating that if I ever wanted to end the ride, maybe this would be a way to end the ride, and that, I shouldn’t but if I should, then I wonder if….

There is something about all that metal screaming past you at 80km/hr, the noise the rattling and the squeaking, that drowns out all the thoughts in your head, where all that remains is a few thoughts of clarity that scream through the noise.

I WANT a BETTER LIFE!!! Get me off this ride!!!

Then, the train passed, and I was left in the darkness of that night, under a star filled sky. With my dog. And as he nudged my hand, his wet nose pressing annoyingly against my fingers as if to say, “that was freaky, can we go now?” It was so quiet. He nervously sat down, as I just stood there, then he let out a little whimper, and laid down at my feet, not sure what to make of his Master at this moment. This and other experiences taught me something about this vortex we find ourselves going around and around in.

I decided there really only is one way out.

IN!

So, I pointed in, right to the centre, to the dark, scary tight, uncomfortable centre. I started talking authentically about things with the people I found there, the people that were still there, My wife, my best friends, I started talking about my addictions, my hang ups. I started talking and sharing about my hurts. I started talking about the pain I had caused, I started talking about how I felt like a failure as a husband, father, friend, and boss. And as I started going further and further in, and picking up steam, I found myself at the bottom of the vortex plunging through a crisis of self, and starting to come out the other side.

You know what I found? I found me, I found light, I found Joy, I found deep satisfaction in my relationships. I found Love with my wife. I found out that I have a TON to offer. I found that I can talk to my kids and be heard by them, I found freedom from addiction. I found LIFE!

What is the pointing in? It is attaching. It is getting close with other people, instead of constantly further away. Our society is adverse to it. We find it uncomfortable. We don’t want to know how you are “feeling” hell, we don’t even want to know how WE are feeling!!!! And so we end up blessed beyond measure, in the top 1% of the world, lonely as all hell, in a room full of people.

I’m going to bring this around again to talking about a tribe. A group of people that won’t let you die, that won’t let you down, that will speak into your life, that will be your compass point, that are there to help, that are there to hold, that are there to guide, direct, encourage.

When you started your welding career, or your oil field hauling business, or whatever gig you do, you started with a bunch of questions and no answers. There was a point in time when I did not know how to swing a hammer. Ever watch people with a “natural” ability to…. I don’t know figure skate? Or, play hockey? Or ___________? Turns out that “natural” ability isn’t natural at all, because going to 10,000 hours of hockey practice will probably mean you have a slightly better slapshot than me (I have never been able to ever lift a puck off the ice). So, have you ever seen someone with a “natural” parenting ability, or natural with relationships? Guess what? It ain’t natural. Those are learned skills that you can learn too. Just like you learned to Weld, just like you learned to back up a trailer, just like you learned how to write up a contract.

You know how I know? I didn’t have these “natural abilities” when I first started parenting, or when I first got married. Turns out I was a crappy dad and an even worse husband. Turns out, if you understand a few things about the way people naturally mature, it helps a TON, turns out you don’t have to be frustrated with your kids, turns out there is a better way, turns out you can have their hearts, turns out you can light every one of your relationships on fire, so it works for you AND them. Turns out you don’t have to be a selfish prick to get what you want, you have to give up being so concerned about yourself.

Turns out you don’t have to be alone. There is as TRIBE - all around you, waiting for you, wanting you, wish you would take the first step, remember - we are not good at this, so you are going to get push back, people don't want to talk - gravitate towards the ones that do. There are honestly all sorts of organizations and groups out there to help you out, but it is up to you. Point to the centre find your tribe, find who is really there for you. It turns out - you don't have to be alone.

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

And then you turned to the centre, headlong to the only place that would help, back where you belong.

slv2all

Coming soon to the web, my TRIBE’S new meeting place www.OnePerson.ca

if you need help – Please just click this link, have a look around

www.suicidehelp.ca

if you want to talk to someone contact me on twitter @justinatthomson or by email ceo@heritagefamilyservices.com

It is good to just to talk, to share what you are thinking and feeling, sometimes, family is the hardest to talk to, so there are people on the outside, who can help.

A Better LIFE!!!

A better life.

Sometimes we retreat into the shadows. We move away, slink back, we don’t want to put ourselves out there anymore.

We are tired. We are drained. We are not satisfied.

We are lonely.

These are odd spots to be in. In a world full of people. In a world full of blessing. In Alberta, where the land bubbles with treasure from the deep that we did not put there, we just get to be the rich recipient of.

Election around the corner – Alberta puts forth a budget, so does Ontario. Our has 27% of our revenue coming from the royalties paid from what comes out of dirt. Ontario has no such revenue stream, theirs is income tax.

So here we sit in Alberta. Alone, wondering why.

A great deal has changed in these last 107 years. All of these changes impact you today, your life, what you experience every day, and the way you think, act and respond. I’m speaking about something that brings such Joy and excitement to life, it is hard to explain. I’m speaking about attachment.

Attaching to others. When Alberta was born, we understood this, but now we have lost our way.

Our now world screams independence, then, 106 years ago there was no such thing. It screams to us about having our own mortgage, our own family, our own kids, our own cars, our own life. Do you know what that leads to? It leads to a life on our own. Imagine that, in its full ramification, hunting, gathering, storing, living, all on your own. Sounds like a lot of hardship right? Sounds like a lonely existence. Sounds kinda scary.

But here is the thing, that is exactly what we, to a large extent, are doing. We are doing life alone. Why? Simple, we haven’t learned to Attach. If we would just consider, how attached we really are, how much we really need each other. How much we can’t survive day to day without each other, maybe we would realize that on a relation plain we need each other. I had a conversation recently about those who are “self actualized” you know what I found out? They had other people. They had a group, they had a tribe, they had friends, sure Gandhi was the spokesman, sure, Luther was the forerunner, sure Mother Teresa was in the spot light. But, what of the village, the group, the TRIBE that elevated them to that place? That pushed back, that held firm, that continued the work, that asked the hard questions, that cared, that loved, them, when they didn’t love themselves?

A better life?

Sometimes, in order to achieve our dreams we have to realize our own insignificance, and, how perfectly significant we are, at the exact same time. Sometimes, when we are unable to speak, we must allow others to speak for us. Sometimes when all we want to do is scream, and cry, we must let others speak on our behalf.

This world needs you. So many are saying “I don’t know” when deep inside, you know you have an answer. So take a breather, muster up your courage, tomorrow is a brand new day, and you are going to be just fine. But this is what we need you to do:

Attach

Relationally.

Believe, that I can handle what you throw at me. Believe, that I care, believe, that I need you, and you need me. Believe that we will be better, when we link arms. Believe that when you call me out, I WANT to respond, I want to do more pushups, I want to run farther, I want to lift more, and I want to be a better person, I want to be a better friend, I want to be a better man, I want to be a better husband, I want to be a better Dad. And maybe, just maybe you telling me that you care for me, but that I need to smarten up, is just what I need to start having a better life. A life of Joy.

What I need is a TRIBE.

And no, not a group of followers (I’ve got 768 of those on twitter) I need a TRIBE. I need people that are not ok with who I am, and who are willing to look me in the eye and with love in their hearts tell me they need me to change. I need a TRIBE of people that are asking, no BEGGING me to be my best, so they can follow. I need a TRIBE who when the going gets tough, have my back. I need a TRIBE of people that will sustain each other, help each other, fight for each other see the value in each other. Who will only show each others faults in the context of unending love and appreciation. I need a TRIBE.

As a matter of fact. I need it so bad, that I’m going to build one. I’m going to show others how to build one. I’m going to matter to them, and they are going to mean the world to me. Because if I don’t, I’m just going to end up alone. And that is one thing I don’t want to be.

I want a better life. One with deep abiding Joy.

slv2all

Defended

It was mere hours after her husband left for yet another 2 week stint in the oil field, when her 3 year old daughter started complaining, tugging at her ears. She rested her hand on her forehead. Fever. She got her thermometer, and sure enough 104 – time to go to the hospital, oh how she had wished the fever had broke earlier. She loaded the kids in the car, and just got going when she realized the gaslight was on, children crying, one with a fever – and ‘THIS IS WHEN I NEED GAS? The gas light stared back at her as she pulled out the driveway. 10:55, she hoped to get to the gas station before it closed. She pulled up just as the station lights went off, and a man flipped over the open sign.

Closed.

Clearly the hours of operation said closed at 11:00. She got out, and approached the door, the man says curtly through the door – “I’m closed” she pleaded- looking at her watch and the sign “but it says 11:00.” “Tell someone who cares!” he scowled. “Please Sir, I’ve got two kids in the car, no gas and I’m on the way to the hospital – “Look lady (still through the door) the pumps are off, the till is off, I’M CLOSED!” waving both hands in the air. “I’ll speak to your manager about this!” she half yells as he turns and walks away from the door to the back of the store, he stopped, and turned back, almost rushing at her “I AM THE FUCKING MANAGER!!”

Her fists clench, a wave of something like adrenalin flushes over her, she goes numb from the top of her head this wave passes over her entire body – and somewhere in her fear, rage, and concern for her little ones, she decides.

“I’m never coming back here again. “

Ever.

She hops in her car, the needle now shoes bellow the ‘E’, – ‘Oh no, I just wasted 5 minutes arguing with this jerk, now the next station will surely be closed,’ she drives down the street, and sure enough sees the next gas stations lights shut off – the clock on the dash says 11:01. Tears begin to whelm, as she imagines herself calling someone – or, even trying to hitch a ride with two small kids, she pulls into the driveway as she sees a man locking the front door and getting in his truck.

As she approaches he turns and warmly smiles, as he walks towards her, rolling down the window, “how can I help you ma’am?”

“Sir – my kids are sick, I’m heading to the hospital and I’m right out of gas.” He looks around the car – first at the dash – the needle on the E, then at the kids in the back seat, then back at her.

“Well, the store is closed, I just locked up, to bad you were not here 5 minutes ago…

But, tell you what, uh, pull up to my truck.”

As she pulls up, he notices him reach into the back of the truck for a jerry can.

“I was going to go quading tomorrow morning with my son, but I can just come back here quick in the morning,” he says as he removes the gas cap of her car, and begins to put the nozzle of the jerry can together, she begins to take her seatbelt off, noticing he says, “don’t worry, just stay there, I ‘ll get it.”

“So how old are your kids?” He says as he lifts the jerry can and starts pouring it in her car.

“My boy is 16 months and my daughter with the fever is 3.”

“Is she teething?”

“No, ear infection I think, but she has also had a chest cold.” “Ya, always seems to come all at once.

My son was like that, seems like every new tooth was accompanied by a head cold, chest cold, or fever. She will be fine – but you can never be sure – better safe than sorry.”

She laid her head back on her headrest, and thought to her self how thankful she was for this man.

“So how long have you worked here?”

“Since I bought it in 2007” he says smiling warmly, “we’ve had our rough patches, I had to replace the roof a year after I bought it, just about put me under, so my Dad had to help me out, did you know it costs like $30,000 to put a new roof on that building?”

“No – really” she says,

“Ya, but I believe as long as your honest, and you care about people, that the creator will take care of you.”

She sat in the silence, listening to the gas pour into her gas tank, when she realize, ‘Crap I don’t have any cash!’

“There, that’s 25 liters, that should get you to the hospital and back..”

She sheepishly spoke , “I’m feel so horrible, I don’t have cash, do you want to hold my credit card?”

“Nope – I don’t want your money, tell you what, the next time someone is in need – just give back to the universe the same as it was given to you. The creator, always takes care of His children, especially those who take care of each other.”

She wished she had time to ask him about his philosophy, as it wasn’t until now, that she noticed this man was aboriginal.

“Sir are you,” (she stumbled with how to ask) into the pause he said jokingly – “am I an Indian?”

Um ya?

“Metis, come back, I’ll tell you my story.”

“Thanks so much, you are a life saver”

As she drove away – another feeling washed over her, not has powerful, not as predominate, it was hard to describe.

It felt more like a hug.

“I’m definitely coming back” she thought as she waved goodbye.

Defended-ness.

I want you to think about the places you will never go back to.

Or

Think about the things you never want to talk about – with anyone.

Why?

There is a natural thing that happens – in our brains, that is actually a natural protection mechanism; Psychologists call it the brain defending itself. It happens like in the first situation above, or in extremely stressful things like a sudden car accident, or even when you cut yourself. It can be described as shock. The brain actually shields itself with a wall of endorphin like chemicals, to protect itself from harm. When we make decisions in these moments – they stick HARD and the more often they happen, the more hard they stick. Sometimes this is extremely helpful. For instance, somewhere along the way you discovered when you see the light on the curling iron, or, hover your hand over it to see if it is warm, instead of just grabbing it when you want to put it away. That ONE TIME you grabbed it hot – and it burned you, you “decided” that you would never let that happen to you again – endorphins rushed through your body, and forever – you have learned your lesson.

Burned you. Learned your lesson.

Or we could punctuate that a different way:

Burned, you learned your lesson.

Who has burned you? And, What lessons have you “learned?” This same thing happens to us in relationships, and, this same thing is happening around us, around you. The way you speak, the way you act, the way you parent, the way you are a friend, the way you are a boss, the way you are a co-worker. You are having these lasting impacts on people. Often we take our own defended-ness, and unfortunately push that forward to another generation, or to others who haven’t even hurt us, or been a part of our pain.

Think about your “resolution thoughts” where do they come from? Why are they there? How long have they been there? And have you necessarily made the right choices in the things you have firmly “decided on.” For instance maybe you have decided, “I am never going to be hurt again” but building that wall of defended-ness, where has it left you? Alone? Behind everyone’s current day actions are a life of previous days actions and reactions. Each of those decisions building the person you are today. In some circumstances you have built walls that damage you today, hurt others today, and generally are not helpful. So what do you do about this? To this I would like to offer you a word Perspective. The first thing you need something we all need. Like an athlete, you can’t properly see what is wrong with your stride, what needs adjustment in your slapshot, what needs tweaking in your golf swing, without perspective. You, we, ALWAYS need an outside look at an inward reality. You need others to look at you and tell you what you see – this is the main issue – you have to allow others to look in. The second thing is almost more important, you need a healthy perspective of others. You can’t just view their present day reactions and actions in and of themselves, you have to view them in a context of a whole life, and ask yourself (and them if they allow you) what set of circumstances resulted in this behaviour. Added to both of these is the powerful dynamic of Love – or call it unconditional positive regard if you’re uncomfortable with the L word. You have to CARE. People were not born this way, people MATURED this way, and somewhere in their natural maturation process maybe some things got stuck, and if you are about helping them get unstuck, then they need your unconditional love, and acceptance.

In light of this, here is an illustration – let’s end our short story differently:

She wished she had time to ask him about his philosophy, as it wasn’t until now, that she noticed this man was aboriginal.

“Sir are you,” (she stumbled with how to ask) into the pause he said jokingly – “am I an Indian?”

“Um ya?”

“Metis, come back, I’ll tell you my story.”

“Thanks so much, you are a life saver, hey just wondering the guy who owns the other Gas station is sure a jerk hey? I bet you get a lot of business from him just because he doesn’t treat people nice?”

“You mean Fred? From up the street? “He said with a hint of surprise in his voice. “Oh, no, Fred couldn’t be a nicer guy, he is just in a really rough spot right now. What happened?” “Really?” Her nose scrunched up as she said it, “He was just locking up early and treated me horribly!!”

“Oh no,” his shoulders slumped as he seemed to struggle to get the words out. “Well, did you hear about that accident a couple of months back where the drunk driver plowed into the mini van, and killed the mother and three kids?”

“Ya,”

“That was Fred’s family,” tears whelmed in his eyes as he looked into the night sky, “the night the accident happened Fred was supposed to drive them to his son’s hockey game, but one of his employees called in sick, so Fred went in to close. To be honest I think he probably hates locking that place up now because it probably reminds him of that night. I was surprised to see him there so late tonight. Like I said, he is in a rough spot. I’ve asked the creator many times why that would happen to such a nice man, sometimes the universe just returns stillness, Fred wa such a loving father and good husband. I think Fred,” He went on “I think he resents things so much, that he built a great fire around his heart to protect himself. Now anyone who gets close, gets burned. He does not treat his workers with the respect they deserve, they quit, and then he has to work harder. It’s a vicious cycle Fred is in.”

“Oh my that is so sad,” her heart suddenly changed for him, now instead of a heartless shopkeeper who didn’t care, she saw a broken lonely father, and loving husband that had lost everything.

“My prayer to the creator is that Fred would be able to forgive himself, but he has a really long journey ahead of him. The only thing that puts this fire out is time, and love.” Anyway, I won’t keep you any longer.” He said lifting the Jerry Can into his truck as she began to pull away….”Hey! And remember – don’t forget to pay it forward!” He said with a wide smile.

The hospital visit, went fairly routine, her child was fine, the Dr. gave her a prescription for ear drops and asked she fill it immediately, “there is an all-night pharmacy open – the shoppers drug mart.” “Ok” As she drove there she wondered about the things she had heard this night and realized, she didn’t even know his name! As she waited at the pharmacy, an unbelievable thing happened.

Fred walked in.

Her heart leapt, and she didn’t know what to do, as he got up to the counter next to him, with his prescription, she overheard the conversation with the pharmacist, something about sedatives, or something about sleeping pills – her heart ached for him, and what he must go through in an empty house, that used to be teaming with life, she left the counter and went to the check out. Thankfully Fred obviously did not recognize her, as he stood behind her in line, she finished checking out and was getting the kid jackets zipped up when she overheard the cashier asking him for the payment, she watched him realize he did not have his wallet – “Well isn’t that just great,” he grumbled “I’ll be back,” he said with a humph. Surprising herself, she turned to him, and after a moment of awkward silence, asked

“How much is it?” “What difference does it make to you?” He grumbled as he tried to walk past her. “Well if I could save you the long trip, look just,” she stuttered as she half blocked his path, “how much is it?”

“25 dollars” he curtly said, trying to side step her – instantly, like a movie flashback she heard the voice of the gas station owner asking her to pay it forward,

“the next time someone is in need – just give back to the universe the same as it was given to you. The creator, always takes care of His children, especially those who take care of each other.” “25 liters, that out to get you to the hospital and back”

“Can I please take care of it for you?” She asked

“No! Its fine,” he said shuffling past her in the narrow sliding doorway.

As the door slid open, she said “No I insist,” she instinctively reaching for and grabbed his hand, - her actions surprised her probably more than they did him.

They stood there, door open, his hand in hers, for what seemed like an awkward eternity. He stared at her had, now squeezing his. She noticed the wedding ring still on his finger. Tears whelmed up in her eyes. “Please” she said as he slowly turned them back to the till, leading him back, He stumbled through the words, “but how will I find you to pay back?” as she pulled out her debit card, she explained, “I don’t want to be paid back, a friend of mine, well, that is, someone I met tonight did a favour for me tonight, and he asked me to pay it forward.” “I don’t know what to say” he muttered, struggling to make eye contact.” “Don’t say anything, maybe it’s just the creator,” she grimaced trying to figure out what to say, “or something, uh, maybe it just me showing you I care.” She quickly blurted out crumpling the receipt and stuffing it in her pocket. As she gathered the kids, he said, “Thank you, it seems there is some goodness in the universe after all.”

As they got into the car her daughter asked her “Mommy, who was that man and why did you pay for his stuff.”

“He’s a man just like us honey, and like us tonight, he was just in a rough spot and needed a bit of help.”

We are all connected.

What you say matters, who you are matters. Unconditional positive regard (LOVE) is not a part of our regular vocabulary, we have become a consumer society fixated on ourselves. We need to look at things from other people’s perspectives and let it deeply touch our hearts.

What are you afraid of?

To the kids we raise, we need to provide a place – a home- that exudes love and caring and peace so they do not build walls of defended-ness against us. To our love ones, we MUST be love, and caring, we must move with compassion every day. Love and caring RAPIDLY tear down the walls of defended-ness, And where Love isn’t able to tear down a wall, it climbs it, to see what is on the other side. These interactions revealing the purity of human souls before life got in the way, longing to be known and understood. When you are tired at the end of the day, like a runner, you must press on to the goal which is in good news to all people around you, that you have a bit more to give, a bit more patience a bit more love.

You have goodness in your heart, but it might be hiding behind a wall of bricks, or a raging fire you have built to protect it. Find it, smash through the defended-ness of your past, get your friends to help you. Put out the fire. And when you are ready give it away to someone else, who, is just like you, today, in a rough spot who needs a bit of help.

slv2all

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone.

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone.

This blog post is about relationships.

And guys I want you to read it.

I came so close to botching this up completely, sometimes, when it’s quiet, and its just me, it really freaks me out how close I got to giving up.

Don’t throw in the towel.

Ok, here it goes. (that was the guy pep talk)

I watched a video recently (apparently a viral one) in which a dad “responds” to his daughters “inappropriate” rant on Facebook by posting a video (to her wall) . In the video, he “lays down the law” and then gets up from his chair and literally puts 6 bullets into her laptop.

What do you think? Appropriate? Funny? Entertaining?

Or how about my favorite (ya, the response I hate)

Whatever…

(ooooh nothing gets me like apathy)

Its 2012, and in this day and age relationships are different, WAY different than they ever have been. We have instant communication, Facebook, twitter, text messaging. Dad’s used to say good bye in the morning, and that was it until supper. If Dad worked away, that was it, for weeks at a time. Now it is different, and part of that is good, and part of it, well, not so good.

So, you have relationships.

Friends, Spouse, Kids, Siblings, etc.

Life used to demand that we keep relationships in check. Because without them you starved to death, or died alone in the cold.

We used to need relationships to survive.

Now you need them to thrive.

More than likely, you can think of one relationship that pisses you off, gets you angry, and well just isn’t working – it doesn’t bring you joy, or fulfillment, or peace or happiness. And, you can also think of times when the relationships you consider good, they make you feel that way too.

Let me try and put this in perspective.

There are moments – pure ones that are full of everything you want in life! Fun moments, when you are out with your friends, and its just good solid times, things are clicking, and you are happy. I’ve had moments like that with my little kids like 3-year-olds, good times giggling away at nothing. Or even just good times, like having a camp fire and couple of beers. Or Heck, what about sex with my wife, when we both want to be with each other?

Good times.

We have all had them. How come we can’t make them last?

Not so long ago, I spent the majority of my life in agony over my relationships. Mad. Angry. As a matter of fact, I was so angry and frustrated that a cop (after asking me three times if I was ok) pulled his badge on me, and asked me one more time. “Sir, are you ok?” I can’t tell you how close I was to doing something really stupid.

What changed?

What makes the good times last? What makes anger short? Forgiveness quick? What makes Relationships that continually bring you Joy?

Simple. Understanding them, and working on them.

And this is what the dad in the viral video gets so wrong, his stupid senseless reaction isn’t building his relationship with his daughter. It’s killing it.

Killing it.

Don’t you think that dad wants to walk his little girl down the aisle some day? I bet he does, and I bet he is frustrated with his relationship with her. And here is the tricky part, that relationship is HIS responsibility. Kids have been whining about their parents since they walked in the desert with Moses – come on people! Provide a safe kids for your kids to belong. For them to mature. Be more important to them than their friends. Attach to them.

I’m not taking all the time to answer everything here tonight. But let me just say this, if your relationships are frustrating you, it is because you don’t understand them. We have lost our intuition about relationships. Especially with our kids. And I can prove it to you.

2 situations:

A 12 month old crying in her high chair because she didn’t get what she wants – what does the mother do? Takes the child out, and brings her close. Does it help to yell? No. Does it help to hit? No. It helps to draw close and soothe.

2^nd situation Your best friend looses their 14 year old daughter to a car accident. What do you do? You go over, and you may not know what to say, but you stay in their presence. Does it matter if they are swearing and yelling? Or throwing things? No.

So, why is it ok to be different with a 14 year old? Why do we speak harshly? Why do we shame? Why do we tell them to grow up? Why do we tell them we don’t care? Why do we tell them to shut up? Why do we send them away from us, instead of allowing them, in their frustration to share it with us, to be with us?

And then, after pushing our kids away from us for 10 years, why do we wonder that they won’t listen to us, that they would rather listen and impress friends? Why do we then wonder, why they never call, and why they look coldly at us. Why do we wonder when they then turn and push away from us? Why do we wonder why our relationships are shallow?

You just pushed them away during the most important developmental time of their lives, when they needed your influence to help them mature. And now they practically hate you. But the things you said and did, if you did them to any of your friends, how long would they want to be with you?

We have lost our intuition.

Lets get it back.

Deep abiding joy in relationship is possible.

slv2all