You are what you do

You are what you eat.

Yes.

But what about this?

You are what you do.

I’ve been thinking a lot about neurology lately, about the way our brains work – I’ve been reading a book, called the Happiness Advantage,. And it is making me think about my thinking.

I’ve always been one to think about my thinking, I’ve studied neurological plasticity before, written about it before, but this book is challenging me in a new way – good ways, to think about my thinking, because my thinking is my becoming.

I was searching for a way to describe this, this morning on my drive to work, and then at the T intersection of my road, and a highway (where I normally turn left) I instead took a right – and went to work the wrong way, the longer way. A different way.

Why.

Lots of reasons, but it gave me some needed clarity, some new things to see, and some added to time to think and reflect, so here are some thoughts.

Starting something new:   GRRRRRRRRRR

When was that last time that you started something new? Our family just recently started our two older kids on triathlon club. This turned our regular Wednesday nights upside down, and our regular Sunday mornings into a new mess. Usually we have a lazy Sunday morning and get our butts to church by 11:00, now I have to load bikes and trainers, and organize snacks, and water and crap into the van and drive to the meeting place by 10:00.

Totally different.

And a complete frustration.

Well, at least in the short term.

Something new always adds a level of frustration – always, at least that is my experience. But that isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it is a good thing, because what is actually happening neurologically is that you brain is changing to adapt to your new schedule/surrounding/experience. Have you heard the term “stuck in a rut” well, that is actually a PHYSICAL state of mind. Critical thinkers criticize, optimistic people are optimistic (optimize?) hard workers work hard, work out junkies work out, movie go-ers go to movies, healthy eaters eat healthy, gun owners own lots and lots of guns. Almost all, like 99% of our values, daily actions, mindsets ETC are rooted in our habits, good, bad, or indifferent. But here is the good news about the new SCIENCE of neurological plasticity, you can change, you only need one thing.

DESIRE

Oh, and one more thing about that change, it is going to be frustrating – so if to that DESIRE you add community – someone else- then you have a real shot of making the change stick, because often times, we abandon the new, to get back into the rut of the old.

So how am I doing at this? 

HORRIBLE THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!

LOL

No seriously this sucks. It is hard, in the last 2 years I’ve dropped an addiction to Online Porn, I’ve worked hard to restore my marriage, I’ve changed churches, I’ve switched up my job situation (with new people to work with at Thomson Cabinets) I’ve begun a cultural shift of epic proportions at Heritage Family Services, I’ve tried to save Berachah Place from being shut down, I started working out 2-3 times a week with my friend Maynard, and swimming twice a week with my girls, diet changes, etc, and just last week, on Friday, I went through “inventory” on my 12 steps to recovery which put ALL of my past memorable relationships into a new perspective for me.

yeesh

Saturday morning I woke up, looked at my phone, put it back down again, on a bunch of pocket change which I hadn’t put away, the noise irritated me, and I was OFF.

OFF.

I spent the weekend OFF. DONE. FRIED. My poor wife annoyed me, my poor kids annoyed me, my poor dog annoyed me, my house annoyed me. Going to triathlon club annoyed me. If you saw me, I wasn’t smiling, I was grumpy. Because I was OFF

Ever watch a sporting event , when your team is OFF, and there is nothing that can be done to get them back on again?

Ya THAT.

So for those of you that wonder, about this Justin Hubert guy, who always tries to be positive, maybe you wonder if that is fake, or whatever. Well here is my take:

You have your normal way of interacting with your family right. Like in stressful situations. K, lets pick…. late for practice rushing supper to the table, and gotta leave in 15 minutes – that kind of situation – who are you in it? How do you talk? How do you deal with your kid spilling milk AGAIN? Now, just add ONE of your kid’s friends into that situation – just add OnePerson. And guess what, it changes the whole dynamic, now, you say things like “Oh its ok sweetie, I’ll clean it up. So what, are you being fake? No, I don’t think so I think you are being real in both situations, I think the latter situation with the friend is just the person you more want to be like.

This is more about outlook. I am seriously working on me, and its hard work. And, I have a positive outlook, practically where rubber meets road, it’s a bit more grindy. And I think we will all get there. The new science of the mind states that we can actually change PHYSIOLOGTICALLY the make up of our minds, but our desire has to outpace/outweigh the depth of our habit/rut. It is possible to rise above, to go beyond, to be positive in the face of adversity.  Make small incremental changes towards the person you want to be in the future.

This has been a bit of a negative read, thanks for making it this far, I’m posting it, because it is where My head is today. Thanks much and remember – you are what you do, so take what you do that is great – and do that MORE!!

slv2all

Practice, and Coaching, the pathway to wholeness and peace.

Practice, and Coaching, the pathway to wholeness and peace.

Today is a wretched day. One of the very hardest for me, on our annual calendar.

And tomorrow is worse.

The way things were supposed to play out, me and my wife were supposed to be in the middle of planning for a four year old girls birthday party in the next couple weeks, while juggling a busy holiday schedule.

But now we are not.

For years ago today my wife, 2 weeks from her due date with our forth child made a heart wrenching discovery. The baby girl she was carrying had stopped moving, kicking, and jostling about. She went to the hospital. Then she called me. I called my mom. That was a long drive. And the night was longer. All I can seem to remember is the piercing silence of those moments, and how they were not going to be broken by the happy sounds of new birth.

Just more wretched silence.

Followed by a brutal walk down the hall of unit 25 in Red Deer. Good friends by our side.

Its been four years since we lost Keziah.

Her birth-day is tomorrow.

And, my heart still breaks when I remember the events that surrounded those days. I was a broken man, maybe someday, I’ll tell you what was really going on, but for now lets just say, our marriage was pushed right to the breaking point during her pregnancy.

It had everything to do with me, walking away from things I had committed to.

Keziah’s death changed all that, but, it got worse before it got better. And at the very fever pitch, with our marriage flailing about on its last legs, I reached out for help.

Boy am I glad I did.

Today I believe that we all have a TRIBE. A group of people around us, ready, willing, able, to help at a moments notice. I believe these people can be put into action, for more than just helping us with flat tires, shingling a roof, party decorations, or baking cakes. Those are all good things, don’t get me wrong.

I’m talking about better things.

Best things.

I’m talking about practice, and coaching.

Every day, as we go through the motions of yet another day, we reinforce (practice) many of the same things. Over and over and over. We don’t think about it as practice. But it is. Practicing with stunning rapidity, the things that will make us our future selves.

Maybe if you think about it you won’t like the things that you are practicing.

I didn’t. I began to HATE the things I was practicing.

Because, the result of all that practice had devastating effect.

Enter my TRIBE, a Tribe, that I opened myself up to let Coach me in my life.

In sports, coaches watch what you are doing, correct, and get you to practice the best way of doing things. The trick with applying this directly to life is, we spend an inordinate amount of energy masking (read, lying, hiding, obscuring)  the true reality of who we really are.  In sports there is no hiding behind a mask, there is TV cameras, game tape, and a score clock beaming your accomplishment (or lack thereof) to the world, there are no masks to hide behind.

Failure in the past CAN be a path to success in the future.

If you are willing to take your mask off, and open yourself up to be coached.

But this is hard work.

And that is what we did.

Today, I am a changed man, but I’m changed because we choose to do the hard work of shining Light into the dark corners of our lives. Coaches get you to practice what they know will be good for you, what they know will help. And it took deep life change, the kind that changes the things you DO, the way you TALK, the way you think about YOURSELF.

It would not have worked, if we choose to keep our masks on. Instead we created a place of safety, where, we were allowed to be vulnerable.

It’s been four years.

Four long years.

Today we have a sweet little 2 year old, that I Know we would not have had – if Keziah had lived. It’s been four years, and as much as I wish it was different, I am confronted with the fact that I can’t wish it was different.

I’m conflicted.

But I am also better.

slv2all

Bullying - a parents natural responsibility

Bullying.

What is a parents natural responsibility?

No one I have met, would say that a parent isn’t 100% responsible for an infant. Recently many online friends have or about to experience the natural wonder of childbirth. My online friend Becky Ainsley was the last person I know, who’s heart melted at the little bottom quivering lip of her infant son – see her story here: http://www.thebexfactor.com/2012/10/16/meet-mr-liam-john/

No one denies the responsibility of a parent at these moments. Infants are completely reliant on us, to feed, clean, nurture, connect.

So ok, that is a 1 week old, or, a 1 year old. What about a 12 year old?

I would argue that you are still 100% responsible but the role has changed.

Lets look at it this way – our job as parents is to nurture and protect our kids, until they are living breathing, contributing, fully aware adults, able to make their own responsible ethical and moral decisions, fix their own mistakes, and forge out their own lives. Can a 12 year old do that? Can they drive? Hold a job? Pay a mortgage?

Can a 15 year old? – still dependant?

16?

17?

25?

Where is the magic line?

Think about this, at your age – be it 28, 35, 40, 20, 22, what do you still need and want from your parents? Maybe it is a past regret – what do you wish they had done, maybe your parents have passed on, what do you still long for? A connection? An ear? Advice? A shoulder? Help? Guidance? Then how much more does a 12 year old need this? Amanda Todd was 12 when she made a mistake online.

For some reason, the industrial revolution pushes kids to early independence, if you listen to us, or watch us, parents start saying things like:

 “I don’t know”

“I don’t care”

“that is your choice, your consequences”

“Why should I help you with that”

“You made your own bed now you have to sleep in it”

Most of these statements – are probably true in their own right with a number of situations, the problem is what they convey to a young child’s mind. To the exact same issue, a parent could just as easily say (copy this list – I want it to be your mantra – your lines to rehearse and say, every day to your kids):

“I will take care of you”

‘this sucks, we will take care of it together”

“Sometimes we make mistakes – I want to help you fix it”

“I’m not sure, but Dad will help you find a solution”

“Every action we take has consequences, but I Love you, and we will see it through together”

“my love is deeper than any hole you could dig, I’ll help get you out of this”

There are many stages of maturing that go on with kids:

For a while they can’t eat – we provide!

For a while they can’t walk – we carry them!

For a while they can’t talk – we seek to understand them!

For a while they get sick – we spend hours in the ER!

For a while they do crazy stupid things – we bandage them up!

For a while they try new skills and fail – we encourage them to go on!

For a while they get hurt in relationships – we talk listen and comfort them!

For a while they struggle with their studies – we sit down with them!

For a while they get a job – we joyfully provide the transportation!

For a while they have dreams – we listen, encourage, and believe!

For a while they run into evil people – we protect their hearts!

Ok, so how?

It is your responsibility to “GATHER” your kids. Every day, multiple times a day, until they are out of your house, then even as adults, when you see them, gather them, connect with them ask how they are doing.

How?

It will all be in the eyes. And you know that this is true. How do I know it? – You experience it just like anyone else. Every single day. You do this with your friends like this:

You go out for coffee, they walk in, they don’t make eye contact, they are searching out the floor, there is no smile, they get coffee, sit, still they don’t look at you in the eye, they wait for you to say something, but, they haven’t engaged yet. Uncomfortable? They were fine yesterday, in fact yesterday they were happy and looking forward to coffee. Today they are – not here…. More uncomfortable moments pass, you have some small talk, weather, kids… but there is no connection, then not being able to stand it you say “Jill, what’s wrong?” you can see tears whelm up in her eyes, she is still unwilling to say anything, you instinctively reach out, and touch her hand, and then it happens, the tears come, the regret pours out, the story comes, about the fight they had, and the things she said, and THERE IT IS – WHAM, eye contact!!! Connection made. It is one of the magical things about human interaction. Now to flip the switch – it is your responsibility as a parent – to make this same deep connection with your kids – every single day. In the morning, after school, after hockey practice, after lunch…. Multiple times, every day, until you are tired of it, until you know in your heart – that they have been connected with – until they hear you and you hear them. Connect until it drives them nuts - and then turn it into giggles...(just tell them sheepishly that your nuts about them)...

Bullying

What has happened?

Kids are unconnected from their parents. And the human spirit, does not like a lack of connection – deep within us, is the primal instinct to be known, to be understood, to be heard, to be cared for.

And when kids get yelled at by their parents. When their parents say they "don’t care," when parents push their kids away to their rooms. When parents don’t "give a shit about [their] kids petty problems." When parents tell their kids to “deal with it” themselves. Kids are still longing for a connection – what happens? They connect with each other. Dr Gordon Neufeld in his ground breaking work on Attachment Theory calls it “Peer orientation.” When kids “don’t give a fuck what mom and dad think” and they instead listen to their friends about all things sexual, drugs, alcohol, friends, relationships, online activity, you have a problem. Why? Because teenagers are fickle, mean, on and off relationships – in short, they are not mature, and they were never intended to “Hold each others hearts” – that is what parents – or concerned, caring adults are for.

I have no control over bullies. I have no control over a major portions of my 12yr olds day. I don’t want her to be bullied, but she will be. And this does not mean, that I can’t hold her heart, engage with her every day, ask her how she is doing, and make eye contact with her. Every one of her problems is my problem - my responsibility.

Here is a list of things that keep us from making eye contact:

When you tell a lie

When you make a mistake

When we are hurt

When we feel vulnerable

When we fail

When we have done something shameful

When we have stolen something

When we have had a bad day

When we have hurt someone else

When we engage in something non age appropriate - sex, drugs, alcohol

If your kids won’t look you in the eye – something is wrong, it is your responsibility to figure out what. To keep your relationship the safest place on earth for them, and just like Bex ( @beckyainsley ), what wouldn’t mother bear do to protect her “little monster” from all the evil in this world? Just like her, it is your responsibility to maintain the connection, protect, guide, nurture, listen, talk, praise, and find the way out of any mess life brings – holding hands together.

slv2all

P.S. a lot of these thoughts come from Dr. Gordon's ground breaking work on Attachment Theory - read his book Hold on to your kids, go to his website for more info www.gordonneufeld.com

Continual Self Improvement

Hay blog,

It has been a while.

Friend of mine Matt Schultz asked me why I hadn’t blogged. Ask me why I blogged when the journey was rough, but haven’t in so long.

Matt said something else that inspired me to write this, he said he missed my writing.

Thanks Matt

It has been a while.

As you may note, my blog posts come from the heart. From some place deep within, kinda like that place that groans first thing in the morning, or that place deep inside you where smiles are born. In the midst of frustration and pain, my head was looking for answers to what I was feeling deep down there, and this blog was my way of getting those out and dealing with them, to work things out.

I find myself in a continual state of personal improvement.

It is either a sucky place to be, or a great place to be, I haven’t decided yet.

What I do know, is that life is better. Some pages down on this blog you will notice a very personal awareness with a deep issue (Pornography) that I was struggling with. You will be happy to know that today is day 850.

Does that mean that I exist in a constant state of marital bliss?

No.

It is far more visceral than that. It means we still fight, but we fight about different things.

Does it mean I’m the model husband?

No.

Socks on the floor in balls, underwear for some reason missing the hamper by a whole room, dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher, van outside, heated garage full of crap.

Does it mean I’m in love with my Bride.

Yes.

Yes, it sure does.

Does it mean I don’t get frustrated with my kids? No, it means I’m trying harder than ever to be a great dad. Harder than ever to create deep abiding relationships with those closest to me.

So what does it mean? Well for me it is one more cog on the flywheel of continual self improvement. It means I’ve done some things right, built some good habits, but I still have a long long way to go.

Someone asked me lately if I believe People can change. Filled with all sorts of awkward emotion I said Yes… Yes, I believe people can change – if they want to.

Second question – do you believe you are good.

(more awkward emotion welling to near tears…) No, I believe I am valuable, I believe my value was written in blood by my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, who died for me, so I could experience freedom and JOY!

So this is what I believe. I believe all people are valuable, every single one of us, I exclude NO-ONE from the list of people who were crated with value. Not the pope, not the president, not environmentalists, not me, not the murderers, not rapists, no one. All are created – equally valued by the one who created us.

Then:

It is up to us if we are going to be someone who adds value, instead of taking it away.

On my journey of self improvement, in every area of life, am I adding value? Am I adding as much value as I can? Is there an opportunity to add value that I am currently not adding value to? Why am I not adding value, why am I holding back?

Are you adding value? Are you adding as much as you can?

Thanks for reading.

And Matt, thanks for your encouragement.

slv2all