Bullying.
What is a parent’s natural responsibility?
Lets just let our hearts answer this one. If you found out, your son or daughter
had bullied someone at school to the point that you received a phone call from
another concerned adult, how would you feel?
Any hint of a negative emotion around such a phone call – be
it angry, frustrated, confused, bewildered…. or even rejecting it as true,
denial, or the feeling of not wanting to take responsibility (it is their
problem), this emotion means you feel something about this - responsibility.
Let me put it this way – when your child goes onto the ice
and scores a goal, how do you feel? I hope you feel proud. I hope you
understand, you had something to do with making that goal happen, all of your
driving, early mornings, long hours at the rink. The action is theirs – but you are tied to it without question. What
about when your child calls someone a “bitch” on facebook, and when you
question them, they say “well she is, whatever, it is what all the other kids
are saying anyway.” How are we suddenly able to divorce ourselves from their
actions saying something like “kids these days.” When we find out our kids are
involved in such activity, it should strike a cord deep within us, maybe even a
“what could I have done better as a parent” cord.
Bullying, is immature. It is an immature action to try and
gain control. As an adult in business, have I been bullied? Yes. Have I also
bullied someone else? Yes.
As a child was I bullied? Yes. Did I bully someone else? Yes.
Is your child a bully?
Is mine?
?
Have I watched my 12 year old and my 9 year old cause my 5
year old to come to tears, because they unfairly ganged up against him and
would not let him do something that he had every right to do?
?
Are my children bullies?
Hard questions. My answer is Yes. Because denial never
helped anyone.
Kids are
immature. They do stupid things. They say stupid things. They hurt each other’s
feelings. They pretend they don’t care. They divorce their actions from
consequences “well I didn’t mean to,” or, “Well I didn’t know she would feel
that way” or, “Well he did it to me so I just did it back.” Doesn’t all of that
sound normal?
Kids are immature – on their way to maturity. Think about
all the things you could not do the day you were born, that you do without even
thinking about it now.
Kids are emotionally immature, relationally immature,
physically immature, and every single interaction they have is teaching them
who and how and what to be as an adult.
How do bullies start? Well they start in grade 1, calling
someone a sissy, or a fag. And, this uncorrected action, leads into a habit,
that destroys their concept of self worth, and the worth of those around them.
Bullies – the kind that would post nude pictures of a 13 year old girl online
unrelentingly – are not born overnight. They don’t just wake up one day, and
decide, hey I know what lets do, lets try wrecking lives!!! They have low self
esteems, they are highly peer oriented, and they thrive off of the rush of exploitation
and control of their victims, they are often times themselves recipients of
abuse, that was unchecked, they are often psychologically damaged, their hearts
are damaged to the point that they feel no remorse for their actions.
So are my children bullies? And am I bully? – well maybe not
in the extreme sense.
How did we get from the grade 1 kid calling someone a pussy,
to the extreme forms of bullying we see today?
Highly Peer Orientated Youth culture.
Who’s responsibility is it?
Parents.
You and me.
What do we have to do?
I live in oil country, Alberta, we have a saying here of
people that put their whole heart into the things they are responsible for, It
is called the GAS factor. When an employee goes above and beyond – they have
the GAS factor. When a business notices a negative tweet – and fixes the
problem in a positive way – they have the GAS factor. When people stay late, to
get the job done, to save the boss from paying for another days travel – they
have the GAS factor.
What does it stand for?
Give A Shit
Care!!!!!
I once was in Nordegg with a buddy, and we found what we
thought was a logging road, so we thought we would drive it for a bit, soon we
had no choice, we were going up!!! To narrow to turn around, we wound our way,
around and around and around to the top of a mountain, know what we found
there? GAS. We found that someone had built the most immaculate, intricate, ….I
don’t even know what it was really, in the middle of nowhere, a
top-of-a-freaking-mountain-GAS-and-oil-thing. I don’t know exactly what it was…
Do you know what I know for a fact? It took the GAS factor
to get it there! Men and women had
the GAS factor, a lot of hard work, grit sweat, blood and tears, and we could
point to other accomplishments in this province, I could point you to the new Bow
tower in down town Calgary. Or to our many river crossings, or the 100’s of
1000’s of gas lines that criss-cross this province so we can all enjoy the convenience
of nature gas, or the many many kilometers of paved roads we are so blessed
with, or our world class cities, I could go on and on. I’ve seen it. Good old
Alberta GRIT – through and through, people that care, fracers that work their
asses off, and women holding down the fort at home – we got it in spades in
this province, because we “Give A Shit” about the stuff put in front of us.
So here it goes.
I’m putting something else in front of you, that I need you
to care about, that I need you to apply the GAS factor to.
Relationships
Relationships between men (over beer or coffee)– “hey man,
marriage and working away can be tough – how is it going?”
Relationships between women (over beer or coffee) “Hey there,
managing a house, and a business is hard, how is it going?”
And finally, relationships with our kids. These relationships
are VITAL to their successful maturing into adulthood. I need you to apply the
GAS factor, and this is what I know what will happen if you do. You will
succeed. Want to know how I know you will? Because of all of your other success
in the past, because you are reading this, because you care, because you give a
shit about your kids, about our community, their schools, their education.
Because something inside the story of a young teen committing suicide, pisses
you off. Because something inside you has regret – even if it is just a touch
of it for the things you have done wrong in the past. And now it is time to
correct those wrongs through your kids.
Make eye contact with them every day, when they come home
from school, ask them how they are doing – listen, put the phone down, get off
of facebook – or pintrest, or the game console, get down on the floor lay on
your back and read a book to a two year old. Ask a 12 year old about something
they take an interest in, get into their face, between them and the TV, in a
friendly way, look them in the eye – and ask them how they are, how was school,
what do your friends talk about, what happened at the party, etc etc etc. Ask
ask ask ask ask ask.
What does not caring look like? We use words like hope. Do
your kids bully other kids at school – “I hope not.” Is your 13 year old
sexualy active “I hope not.” Are your young boy looking at hardcore porn on the
internet – “I sure hope not.” Well, one more thing about the GAS factor – at
work we never use the word “hope.”
“Will that weld hold?”
“Do we have enough fuel?”
“Do we have enough material to finish the job?”
“Is there enough food and drinks for that many people?”
“Do we have enough time?”
“Do we have enough wire”
‘Do we have enough FRAC fluid and sand?
I hope so.
I hope so?
I don’t think so, that isn’t the GAS factor, you either know
or you don’t, if you don’t you find out, you damn well do it right, and the
weld holds every single time. Same goes for relationships – if you don’t know,
find out, take responsibility for those you are responsible for.
Know.
If you find confusion – do the same thing you would do in
the field – ask questions, get help, every person that displays the GAS factor
puts their head on their pillow knowing they did their level best that day,
with a mental checklist of what they need to do better tomorrow – every day.
Bullying is persistent and unrelenting, it starts young,
builds into habits, the worst, are kids unconnected from caring adults, highly
peer orientated, if they had deep
caring relationships with their parents they wouldn’t be bullies, they would
have stopped bullying before it got serious, as they learned to care about
others. If your kids are young and you find out they have been bullying “gather
them” – get in their face in a friendly way, and have a conversation – talk
about other options, tell them what your family values are, take responsibility
for what you are responsible for.
Now get to work. You can do it – I know you can, because you
have the GAS factor, get to know your kids again.
slv2all
