It was mere hours after her husband left for yet another 2 week stint in the oil field, when her 3 year old daughter started complaining, tugging at her ears. She rested her hand on her forehead. Fever. She got her thermometer, and sure enough 104 – time to go to the hospital, oh how she had wished the fever had broke earlier. She loaded the kids in the car, and just got going when she realized the gaslight was on, children crying, one with a fever – and ‘THIS IS WHEN I NEED GAS? The gas light stared back at her as she pulled out the driveway. 10:55, she hoped to get to the gas station before it closed. She pulled up just as the station lights went off, and a man flipped over the open sign.
Closed.
Clearly the hours of operation said closed at 11:00. She got out, and approached the door, the man says curtly through the door – “I’m closed” she pleaded- looking at her watch and the sign “but it says 11:00.” “Tell someone who cares!” he scowled. “Please Sir, I’ve got two kids in the car, no gas and I’m on the way to the hospital – “Look lady (still through the door) the pumps are off, the till is off, I’M CLOSED!” waving both hands in the air. “I’ll speak to your manager about this!” she half yells as he turns and walks away from the door to the back of the store, he stopped, and turned back, almost rushing at her “I AM THE FUCKING MANAGER!!”
Her fists clench, a wave of something like adrenalin flushes over her, she goes numb from the top of her head this wave passes over her entire body – and somewhere in her fear, rage, and concern for her little ones, she decides.
“I’m never coming back here again. “
Ever.
She hops in her car, the needle now shoes bellow the ‘E’, – ‘Oh no, I just wasted 5 minutes arguing with this jerk, now the next station will surely be closed,’ she drives down the street, and sure enough sees the next gas stations lights shut off – the clock on the dash says 11:01. Tears begin to whelm, as she imagines herself calling someone – or, even trying to hitch a ride with two small kids, she pulls into the driveway as she sees a man locking the front door and getting in his truck.
As she approaches he turns and warmly smiles, as he walks towards her, rolling down the window, “how can I help you ma’am?”
“Sir – my kids are sick, I’m heading to the hospital and I’m right out of gas.” He looks around the car – first at the dash – the needle on the E, then at the kids in the back seat, then back at her.
“Well, the store is closed, I just locked up, to bad you were not here 5 minutes ago…
But, tell you what, uh, pull up to my truck.”
As she pulls up, he notices him reach into the back of the truck for a jerry can.
“I was going to go quading tomorrow morning with my son, but I can just come back here quick in the morning,” he says as he removes the gas cap of her car, and begins to put the nozzle of the jerry can together, she begins to take her seatbelt off, noticing he says, “don’t worry, just stay there, I ‘ll get it.”
“So how old are your kids?” He says as he lifts the jerry can and starts pouring it in her car.
“My boy is 16 months and my daughter with the fever is 3.”
“Is she teething?”
“No, ear infection I think, but she has also had a chest cold.” “Ya, always seems to come all at once.
My son was like that, seems like every new tooth was accompanied by a head cold, chest cold, or fever. She will be fine – but you can never be sure – better safe than sorry.”
She laid her head back on her headrest, and thought to her self how thankful she was for this man.
“So how long have you worked here?”
“Since I bought it in 2007” he says smiling warmly, “we’ve had our rough patches, I had to replace the roof a year after I bought it, just about put me under, so my Dad had to help me out, did you know it costs like $30,000 to put a new roof on that building?”
“No – really” she says,
“Ya, but I believe as long as your honest, and you care about people, that the creator will take care of you.”
She sat in the silence, listening to the gas pour into her gas tank, when she realize, ‘Crap I don’t have any cash!’
“There, that’s 25 liters, that should get you to the hospital and back..”
She sheepishly spoke , “I’m feel so horrible, I don’t have cash, do you want to hold my credit card?”
“Nope – I don’t want your money, tell you what, the next time someone is in need – just give back to the universe the same as it was given to you. The creator, always takes care of His children, especially those who take care of each other.”
She wished she had time to ask him about his philosophy, as it wasn’t until now, that she noticed this man was aboriginal.
“Sir are you,” (she stumbled with how to ask) into the pause he said jokingly – “am I an Indian?”
Um ya?
“Metis, come back, I’ll tell you my story.”
“Thanks so much, you are a life saver”
As she drove away – another feeling washed over her, not has powerful, not as predominate, it was hard to describe.
It felt more like a hug.
“I’m definitely coming back” she thought as she waved goodbye.
Defended-ness.
I want you to think about the places you will never go back to.
Or
Think about the things you never want to talk about – with anyone.
Why?
There is a natural thing that happens – in our brains, that is actually a natural protection mechanism; Psychologists call it the brain defending itself. It happens like in the first situation above, or in extremely stressful things like a sudden car accident, or even when you cut yourself. It can be described as shock. The brain actually shields itself with a wall of endorphin like chemicals, to protect itself from harm. When we make decisions in these moments – they stick HARD and the more often they happen, the more hard they stick. Sometimes this is extremely helpful. For instance, somewhere along the way you discovered when you see the light on the curling iron, or, hover your hand over it to see if it is warm, instead of just grabbing it when you want to put it away. That ONE TIME you grabbed it hot – and it burned you, you “decided” that you would never let that happen to you again – endorphins rushed through your body, and forever – you have learned your lesson.
Burned you. Learned your lesson.
Or we could punctuate that a different way:
Burned, you learned your lesson.
Who has burned you? And, What lessons have you “learned?” This same thing happens to us in relationships, and, this same thing is happening around us, around you. The way you speak, the way you act, the way you parent, the way you are a friend, the way you are a boss, the way you are a co-worker. You are having these lasting impacts on people. Often we take our own defended-ness, and unfortunately push that forward to another generation, or to others who haven’t even hurt us, or been a part of our pain.
Think about your “resolution thoughts” where do they come from? Why are they there? How long have they been there? And have you necessarily made the right choices in the things you have firmly “decided on.” For instance maybe you have decided, “I am never going to be hurt again” but building that wall of defended-ness, where has it left you? Alone? Behind everyone’s current day actions are a life of previous days actions and reactions. Each of those decisions building the person you are today. In some circumstances you have built walls that damage you today, hurt others today, and generally are not helpful. So what do you do about this? To this I would like to offer you a word Perspective. The first thing you need something we all need. Like an athlete, you can’t properly see what is wrong with your stride, what needs adjustment in your slapshot, what needs tweaking in your golf swing, without perspective. You, we, ALWAYS need an outside look at an inward reality. You need others to look at you and tell you what you see – this is the main issue – you have to allow others to look in. The second thing is almost more important, you need a healthy perspective of others. You can’t just view their present day reactions and actions in and of themselves, you have to view them in a context of a whole life, and ask yourself (and them if they allow you) what set of circumstances resulted in this behaviour. Added to both of these is the powerful dynamic of Love – or call it unconditional positive regard if you’re uncomfortable with the L word. You have to CARE. People were not born this way, people MATURED this way, and somewhere in their natural maturation process maybe some things got stuck, and if you are about helping them get unstuck, then they need your unconditional love, and acceptance.
In light of this, here is an illustration – let’s end our short story differently:
She wished she had time to ask him about his philosophy, as it wasn’t until now, that she noticed this man was aboriginal.
“Sir are you,” (she stumbled with how to ask) into the pause he said jokingly – “am I an Indian?”
“Um ya?”
“Metis, come back, I’ll tell you my story.”
“Thanks so much, you are a life saver, hey just wondering the guy who owns the other Gas station is sure a jerk hey? I bet you get a lot of business from him just because he doesn’t treat people nice?”
“You mean Fred? From up the street? “He said with a hint of surprise in his voice. “Oh, no, Fred couldn’t be a nicer guy, he is just in a really rough spot right now. What happened?” “Really?” Her nose scrunched up as she said it, “He was just locking up early and treated me horribly!!”
“Oh no,” his shoulders slumped as he seemed to struggle to get the words out. “Well, did you hear about that accident a couple of months back where the drunk driver plowed into the mini van, and killed the mother and three kids?”
“Ya,”
“That was Fred’s family,” tears whelmed in his eyes as he looked into the night sky, “the night the accident happened Fred was supposed to drive them to his son’s hockey game, but one of his employees called in sick, so Fred went in to close. To be honest I think he probably hates locking that place up now because it probably reminds him of that night. I was surprised to see him there so late tonight. Like I said, he is in a rough spot. I’ve asked the creator many times why that would happen to such a nice man, sometimes the universe just returns stillness, Fred wa such a loving father and good husband. I think Fred,” He went on “I think he resents things so much, that he built a great fire around his heart to protect himself. Now anyone who gets close, gets burned. He does not treat his workers with the respect they deserve, they quit, and then he has to work harder. It’s a vicious cycle Fred is in.”
“Oh my that is so sad,” her heart suddenly changed for him, now instead of a heartless shopkeeper who didn’t care, she saw a broken lonely father, and loving husband that had lost everything.
“My prayer to the creator is that Fred would be able to forgive himself, but he has a really long journey ahead of him. The only thing that puts this fire out is time, and love.” Anyway, I won’t keep you any longer.” He said lifting the Jerry Can into his truck as she began to pull away….”Hey! And remember – don’t forget to pay it forward!” He said with a wide smile.
The hospital visit, went fairly routine, her child was fine, the Dr. gave her a prescription for ear drops and asked she fill it immediately, “there is an all-night pharmacy open – the shoppers drug mart.” “Ok” As she drove there she wondered about the things she had heard this night and realized, she didn’t even know his name! As she waited at the pharmacy, an unbelievable thing happened.
Fred walked in.
Her heart leapt, and she didn’t know what to do, as he got up to the counter next to him, with his prescription, she overheard the conversation with the pharmacist, something about sedatives, or something about sleeping pills – her heart ached for him, and what he must go through in an empty house, that used to be teaming with life, she left the counter and went to the check out. Thankfully Fred obviously did not recognize her, as he stood behind her in line, she finished checking out and was getting the kid jackets zipped up when she overheard the cashier asking him for the payment, she watched him realize he did not have his wallet – “Well isn’t that just great,” he grumbled “I’ll be back,” he said with a humph. Surprising herself, she turned to him, and after a moment of awkward silence, asked
“How much is it?” “What difference does it make to you?” He grumbled as he tried to walk past her. “Well if I could save you the long trip, look just,” she stuttered as she half blocked his path, “how much is it?”
“25 dollars” he curtly said, trying to side step her – instantly, like a movie flashback she heard the voice of the gas station owner asking her to pay it forward,
“the next time someone is in need – just give back to the universe the same as it was given to you. The creator, always takes care of His children, especially those who take care of each other.” “25 liters, that out to get you to the hospital and back”
“Can I please take care of it for you?” She asked
“No! Its fine,” he said shuffling past her in the narrow sliding doorway.
As the door slid open, she said “No I insist,” she instinctively reaching for and grabbed his hand, - her actions surprised her probably more than they did him.
They stood there, door open, his hand in hers, for what seemed like an awkward eternity. He stared at her had, now squeezing his. She noticed the wedding ring still on his finger. Tears whelmed up in her eyes. “Please” she said as he slowly turned them back to the till, leading him back, He stumbled through the words, “but how will I find you to pay back?” as she pulled out her debit card, she explained, “I don’t want to be paid back, a friend of mine, well, that is, someone I met tonight did a favour for me tonight, and he asked me to pay it forward.” “I don’t know what to say” he muttered, struggling to make eye contact.” “Don’t say anything, maybe it’s just the creator,” she grimaced trying to figure out what to say, “or something, uh, maybe it just me showing you I care.” She quickly blurted out crumpling the receipt and stuffing it in her pocket. As she gathered the kids, he said, “Thank you, it seems there is some goodness in the universe after all.”
As they got into the car her daughter asked her “Mommy, who was that man and why did you pay for his stuff.”
“He’s a man just like us honey, and like us tonight, he was just in a rough spot and needed a bit of help.”
We are all connected.
What you say matters, who you are matters. Unconditional positive regard (LOVE) is not a part of our regular vocabulary, we have become a consumer society fixated on ourselves. We need to look at things from other people’s perspectives and let it deeply touch our hearts.
What are you afraid of?
To the kids we raise, we need to provide a place – a home- that exudes love and caring and peace so they do not build walls of defended-ness against us. To our love ones, we MUST be love, and caring, we must move with compassion every day. Love and caring RAPIDLY tear down the walls of defended-ness, And where Love isn’t able to tear down a wall, it climbs it, to see what is on the other side. These interactions revealing the purity of human souls before life got in the way, longing to be known and understood. When you are tired at the end of the day, like a runner, you must press on to the goal which is in good news to all people around you, that you have a bit more to give, a bit more patience a bit more love.
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