Suicide - how to talk to your kids

I was asked to write about a very difficult topic today. The issue of suicide, and how to talk to your kids. This issue is often complicated by misconceptions inside belief systems, and confuses what we should believe regarding afterlife, and God’s perspective on the whole thing.

Weighty stuff, not sure, but I hope this helps.

I wanted first to point out a couple of challenges inside the current make up of our society, that make this particular conversation (and others like it) hard to have with our kids. I want to start there.

I read a book this last year about how we react.

That is right, how we react.

The book was called “The Flinch” I’ll post a link at the end for you to look it up, you should read it.

In essence there were a couple of things I learned from this book that have proven really helpful for me! The first thing I learned is the pervading tendency in our society today is to flinch back. We have all done it, in fact, I spent the majority of my life doing it. We do it when we look at email, we do it when we get a visa bill, we do it when all the time in so many different scenarios, we have forgotten that we are doing it. The thing we have forgotten, this things we are doing is flinching back.

I’m not sure when why or under what circumstance I learned to flinch back, but I know for years that is what I did. Flinching back disguises itself in many different ways. How about, stepping on a scale (no I don’t want to, because of what I will see) or how about fixing a machine (no, I’ll probably just break it and make it worse) or how about cooking a new recipe (no it will ruin an evening if I get it wrong) How about talking to that employee about that mistake they made (no, I would not know what to say) or to our friend about that mistake we see them making over and over again (they won’t listen anyway)

All of these and many more are examples of flinching back, ok, but what does flinching forward look like?  Well, flinching forward is seizing problems as opportunities! Huh? For instance we can see a broken appliance as an opportunity to expand our horizons of the things we can fix. You can see a snow storm as a time to connect with people to help. You can see the problems your boss has at work as an opportunities for advancement.

Ok, flinching back, flinching forward, what is your point?

I think as parents we spend a lot of time flinching back, actually to broaden that, I think in relationships we spend a lot of time flinching back. We are uncomfortable, there are tears involved, maybe someone is hurt, and we think to ourselves “well, I just would not know what to say.”

True. You wont know what to say.

Not until you are into it.

A couple of months ago, the air compressor at work packed it in hard, most managers would be reaching for a phone – my manager Reinhard Timmerman reached for a wrench. There were parts everywhere – I asked him if he had ever taken one like this apart before.

“Nope.” (big grin)

I asked him if he knew how to put it together.

He stood with greased filled hands and said with a smile

“Well, I took it apart didn’t I?”

:-)

Yes, yes you did. There he was, flinching forward, beautiful, and it took some figuring, but it got fixed, and all put back together, and its been working ever since.

So how do you talk to your kids about _______________?

Today in Red Deer many parents are filling that blank with the word “suicide.”

How do you talk to your kids about suicide?

I don’t know. I don’t know your kids, I don’t know you. I don’t know what angle you take, or what story you tell, I just don’t. What I do know is that in the same way you have flinched forward about anything else in life – booking a holiday, driving in a snow storm, learning how to build something, well, you just do the same thing. You didn’t know how to build a house the first time you did, or drive, or ride a bike, or weld, or cook, but you flinched forward into the unknown, with wild abandon, and you learned as you went. You can do it. I know you can.

One thing that makes talking about suicide uncomfortable is certain beliefs about suicide being “unforgiveable.” This leads to a thought like “people who commit suicide go to hell.” This stands in contrast to some of the things I know in scripture. Such as “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1John 4:8 emphasis mine). This evening I texted a catholic coworker who I know keeps up on where the faithful are in regards to some of this stuff, he passed me on to a very good resource, that echoes my views on the subject. Ron Rolheiser writes a couple of articles on the subject I will reference at the end, he tackles this difficult subject well. This particular summary thought grabbed my attention:

There is an infinite distance between an act done out of weakness and one done out of strength. Likewise there is an absolute distinction between being too bruised to continue to touch life and being too proud to continue to take one's place within it.

Hurting kids, that suffer from the illness (as Ron apply describes it) complete an act out of weakness. And when this happens they are greeted, by (Ron’s Words again) “God's love, unlike ours, goes through locked doors, descends into hell, and breathes out peace where we can't. Most people who die by suicide will awake on the other side to find Christ standing inside their locked doors, inside the heart of their chaos, breathing out peace and gently saying: "Peace be with you!" “

With this in mind how do we talk to kids about these matters, well first, to ensure they are not stricken with the same illness?

I can imagine a time, for us, when we get that continual nagging pain in our sides for a couple of weeks – and we say “oh it is nothing” – that it is at this exact point we need to go and see a doctor. We need to flinch forward!

This is what I am asking that you do with your kids. To be honest, my kids are 2, 5, 10, and 12, I haven’t talked to them much about suicide, sex, drugs, and alcohol, but when the time comes, I’m going to flinch forward. Flinch forward into the uncomfortable reality of those conversations, stumble through my words, say the wrong things, and know, that if they are ill, from the things they hear at school, or whatever, that I will get them the help they need.

And maybe it wont help, maybe this same harsh reality happens to my family, maybe, I loose one of my kids to a mental illness that takes their lives, what shall we do then? Retreat? No, we will flinch forward, because it is the only way to come out the other side.

I’m really not asking you to do something you have not done before, we have all flinched forward! We have all tried something new for the first time! We have all started something without the full knowledge of how it would end! I’m just asking you to do it with your kids! You can do it, I know you can!

Thanks for reading friends – comments are welcome on this difficult subject.

slv2all


To expand (due to a great comment regarding practical advice) Find a time (supper, driving child to school etc) when you can say something like the following: "Hey you know that you can talk to me about anything right?" then gauge your child's response, if you can, look right to the bottom of their eyelids, see if you can see some small tears welling up there, that they are trying to hide.

You really have to be sensitive to the fact that these issues are hard to talk about. The next thing I would say, after a question like this is "You know that Dad loves you very much, and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you, how about we agree to talk about this later?" This way, you take the fear off of that moment, and pass it to the next - then you can just arrange a time to talk (instead of actually talking), maybe you go for coffee, or a drive, or a walk, it really depends on you guys.

If your child really doesn't want to talk to you, continue to take responsibility for them, find out if there is anyone else who they would feel comfortable talking to. Your spouse, the child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, school counsellors, etc.  You are basically finding them help, if you are unable to. the only other thing I would say is to start young if you can, and keep having this conversation over and over again. If you have older kids, just keep asking, keep persisting that you care. Also, feel free to say things like "Hey, I know life isn't perfect, and, sometimes we fight, but, know that I would do anything for you."

Thanks much for reading and responding - I don't know who responded anonymously, but I hope you get a chance to read this. And I hope it helps - slv2all 

follow me on twitter @justinhubert

Resources:

The Flinch:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Flinch-ebook/dp/B0062Q7S3S

Ron’s Articles on suicide:

http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=160

http://www.ronrolheiser.com/columnarchive/?id=1038

My own walk down this path:

http://slv2all.blogspot.ca/2012/04/only-way-out-is-in.html

The only way out is IN

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

Why did I see you this way? Why did I see your pain? Why did I see, what you didn’t want me to see?

Simple.

Me too.

I’ve been alone in a room full of people. I’ve smiled, shook hands and been “happy” while on the inside I’m screaming: “WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY CARE!!!!!”

I too have gone through the motions of this life, I’ve gotten up, drove my kids to school, got coffee, managed my way through a day, gone home, eaten, cleaned, kissed, said I love you, slept, and repeated- and wondered how much more I could take.

And thought, “I can’t take anymore.”

How bad could it get?

Bad.

How do you get out of this loop?

?

Image yourself, and this loop, going round and round, each day, another trip around the vortex. There are a couple of ways to get out. Some choose to quit. Some choose to abandon families, to book out and “move on” but really they just move to a higher part of the same vortex further disconnected from the centre and what they really want. The centre looks scary as it gets narrower, tighter, it looks like death, its more comfy spinning around up at the outer rings. Or is it? Some people decide to just keep spinning exactly where they are, day after day, year after year. They just keep whipping around, with really no hope of anything changing, but no satisfaction in what is going on either, decade after decade until the ride ends. Some people choose to stop, each has their own method, their own way, they make the choice to end the ride early.

There is another way.

A couple of years ago, I found myself right at the top of that spinning vortex, about to get flung out or about to do something, end the ride? I don’t know if I was there, but there was a lot of nights, a lot of loneliness, in the midst of a world full of people. A lot of thoughts. One night in particular I was on a walk with my dog when I came to a set of train tracks. A train came to the crossing right at the same time I did. I don’t know if you have ever been there. I wasn’t in a place to decide that I wanted to end the ride, but I was in a place of contemplating that if I ever wanted to end the ride, maybe this would be a way to end the ride, and that, I shouldn’t but if I should, then I wonder if….

There is something about all that metal screaming past you at 80km/hr, the noise the rattling and the squeaking, that drowns out all the thoughts in your head, where all that remains is a few thoughts of clarity that scream through the noise.

I WANT a BETTER LIFE!!! Get me off this ride!!!

Then, the train passed, and I was left in the darkness of that night, under a star filled sky. With my dog. And as he nudged my hand, his wet nose pressing annoyingly against my fingers as if to say, “that was freaky, can we go now?” It was so quiet. He nervously sat down, as I just stood there, then he let out a little whimper, and laid down at my feet, not sure what to make of his Master at this moment. This and other experiences taught me something about this vortex we find ourselves going around and around in.

I decided there really only is one way out.

IN!

So, I pointed in, right to the centre, to the dark, scary tight, uncomfortable centre. I started talking authentically about things with the people I found there, the people that were still there, My wife, my best friends, I started talking about my addictions, my hang ups. I started talking and sharing about my hurts. I started talking about the pain I had caused, I started talking about how I felt like a failure as a husband, father, friend, and boss. And as I started going further and further in, and picking up steam, I found myself at the bottom of the vortex plunging through a crisis of self, and starting to come out the other side.

You know what I found? I found me, I found light, I found Joy, I found deep satisfaction in my relationships. I found Love with my wife. I found out that I have a TON to offer. I found that I can talk to my kids and be heard by them, I found freedom from addiction. I found LIFE!

What is the pointing in? It is attaching. It is getting close with other people, instead of constantly further away. Our society is adverse to it. We find it uncomfortable. We don’t want to know how you are “feeling” hell, we don’t even want to know how WE are feeling!!!! And so we end up blessed beyond measure, in the top 1% of the world, lonely as all hell, in a room full of people.

I’m going to bring this around again to talking about a tribe. A group of people that won’t let you die, that won’t let you down, that will speak into your life, that will be your compass point, that are there to help, that are there to hold, that are there to guide, direct, encourage.

When you started your welding career, or your oil field hauling business, or whatever gig you do, you started with a bunch of questions and no answers. There was a point in time when I did not know how to swing a hammer. Ever watch people with a “natural” ability to…. I don’t know figure skate? Or, play hockey? Or ___________? Turns out that “natural” ability isn’t natural at all, because going to 10,000 hours of hockey practice will probably mean you have a slightly better slapshot than me (I have never been able to ever lift a puck off the ice). So, have you ever seen someone with a “natural” parenting ability, or natural with relationships? Guess what? It ain’t natural. Those are learned skills that you can learn too. Just like you learned to Weld, just like you learned to back up a trailer, just like you learned how to write up a contract.

You know how I know? I didn’t have these “natural abilities” when I first started parenting, or when I first got married. Turns out I was a crappy dad and an even worse husband. Turns out, if you understand a few things about the way people naturally mature, it helps a TON, turns out you don’t have to be frustrated with your kids, turns out there is a better way, turns out you can have their hearts, turns out you can light every one of your relationships on fire, so it works for you AND them. Turns out you don’t have to be a selfish prick to get what you want, you have to give up being so concerned about yourself.

Turns out you don’t have to be alone. There is as TRIBE - all around you, waiting for you, wanting you, wish you would take the first step, remember - we are not good at this, so you are going to get push back, people don't want to talk - gravitate towards the ones that do. There are honestly all sorts of organizations and groups out there to help you out, but it is up to you. Point to the centre find your tribe, find who is really there for you. It turns out - you don't have to be alone.

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

And then you turned to the centre, headlong to the only place that would help, back where you belong.

slv2all

Coming soon to the web, my TRIBE’S new meeting place www.OnePerson.ca

if you need help – Please just click this link, have a look around

www.suicidehelp.ca

if you want to talk to someone contact me on twitter @justinatthomson or by email ceo@heritagefamilyservices.com

It is good to just to talk, to share what you are thinking and feeling, sometimes, family is the hardest to talk to, so there are people on the outside, who can help.