go to SLEEEEP - Parenting!!!

How hard is bed time with your kids?

Ok another question.

How hard is it when you stay in a hotel?

Or.

Are there times when out of nowhere your kids at bed time are completely unruly seemingly out of nowhere?

Ok, here are some quick thoughts on what worked for us in our family of four. Our kids span from 2 years to 12, three girls and my boy is 5.

One of the major understandings that came from my learning with Dr. Gordon Neufeld on Neufeld’s Attachment Theory is the need for parents to consider their kids levels of anxiety, and how that effects their level of “attachment” with us. First maybe I should state that the “big idea” of attachment theory is that kids attach to caring adults that lead them to maturation.

Anxiety and sleep.

First lets talk about my 2 year old, who came into some issues this summer with falling asleep. My wife breast fed her – so she used to fall asleep while feeding – that’s fairly easy (said the dad) as you just put the little one down and go on with your evening. But then feeding ended, and we got locked into a pattern of cuddling to sleep – which works, but is necessary to transition out of. And that brought anxiety. And, anxiety and sleep don’t mix – as you probably know from your adult experience?

How do you reduce the anxiety of a two year old? They don’t talk, they don’t reason very well. They only understand a few basic things.

The main thing that causes anxiety in young kids at bed time is what Neufeld calls a “loss of proximity” with those that are caring for them. In other words – they want to hold you close until they drop off into sweet unconscious sleep. Actually holding them till they sleep can raise another issue – what happens when they wake up in the middle of the night and you are not there anymore? You guessed it, more anxiety in the middle of the night!!

Yay.

This is what we did. We played a little game for a couple of weeks, the biggest thing is to give your kids the feeling of being able to hold on to you while you are not there. Just like you who have a best friend, when even if you have not seen that friend in weeks, still know, that you are best friends. The problem is a 2yr old will loose this connection in about 17 seconds, and what you need to do is try and lengthen this out for a longer period of time – until they are able to fall asleep, and through the whole night.

So we played a game, and we started with her capability – 17 seconds. Kiss on the forehead, “dad will be right back” and “daddy is going to come back and kiss you on the forehead” or “Dad is going to come back and give you a hug” and “close your eyes until dad comes back” walk away, close door. Wait – and the trick is to go right back in before they call for you, and what this does is builds trust in what you say you are going to do you do. Now you start lengthening the time – we got up to 2 minuets, and with successive evenings over 2 weeks longer than that. The final things you can do, to actually transition to sleep is then say “Daddy is going to come back and kiss you once you are sleeping.” Here is the biggest thing – follow through on what you said you would do.

One of the most glorious sounds in the world to me (besides the sound of my 4 kids breast feeding – I know weird right) is the sigh a 2 year old makes when you come in to give them that kiss. The sigh is literally, physical, emotional, neurological and psychological all at once, you know this, in the anxious moments you have had, where the anxiety has been removed, or when you are about to fall asleep. When you relax….. ahhhhhh, THAT sigh.

Another really important thing in relationships with those with whom we are attached is something Neufeld calls “Bridging.” Bridging much like in the real world is the act of connecting something which is apart. When you leave someone’s presence we often “Bridge” to the next time we see them. Think about it, you do it all the time, when you are out with you friends, and the evening is drawing to a close, often we make statements like “see you at work tomorrow” or “can’t wait until the next time” or “I will call you tomorrow.” All of these statements and a myriad more are you “bridging” relationships.

Here is what will help older kids – I just did this with my 12 year old – just now at 10:00 (HAH she isn’t asleep yet and I’m writing about how to get your kids to sleep!!!!) But here is the deal – why isn’t she sleeping yet???? Grrrrrr…. Well when I ask….. (remember to get context) I find out, and remember that she is anxious about the fact that her 2 best friends have sleep over birthday parties on the same day. SHOOT that sucks for her, and it givers her anxiety (major girl issues!!) but hey – those are my responsibility as her dad too! So what did I just do? I asked her (as nicely as I could muster – because it IS frustrating – but try to keep bed time positive) “sweety what is wrong” “I’m still worried about being invited to two parties.” “Ok well, I am driving you to school tomorrow, so we will talk about it then.” That is bridging, and it lowers anxiety – tomorrow I will follow through.

 You can bridge with a 2yr old by saying – “see you in your dreams”, or “I’ll kiss you while you are sleeping”

For dads who work away you bridge by saying “dad is going away for a few days, I’ll call when I get to camp” – this lowers anxiety. You can say “I won’t see you till I get home from work, and if I’m late for supper I will text mom.” All of these sayings – and so many more that you will think of, lower the anxiety of our kids and maintain the connection.

Ok back to sleep – we try to end on the positive, say 3 or 4 positive things to each kid about their day, then we makes sure to say to each one, what will happen in the morning, who will be here, what we are going to do.

Hope this helps, happy parenting!!!

slv2all

The only way out is IN

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

Why did I see you this way? Why did I see your pain? Why did I see, what you didn’t want me to see?

Simple.

Me too.

I’ve been alone in a room full of people. I’ve smiled, shook hands and been “happy” while on the inside I’m screaming: “WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY CARE!!!!!”

I too have gone through the motions of this life, I’ve gotten up, drove my kids to school, got coffee, managed my way through a day, gone home, eaten, cleaned, kissed, said I love you, slept, and repeated- and wondered how much more I could take.

And thought, “I can’t take anymore.”

How bad could it get?

Bad.

How do you get out of this loop?

?

Image yourself, and this loop, going round and round, each day, another trip around the vortex. There are a couple of ways to get out. Some choose to quit. Some choose to abandon families, to book out and “move on” but really they just move to a higher part of the same vortex further disconnected from the centre and what they really want. The centre looks scary as it gets narrower, tighter, it looks like death, its more comfy spinning around up at the outer rings. Or is it? Some people decide to just keep spinning exactly where they are, day after day, year after year. They just keep whipping around, with really no hope of anything changing, but no satisfaction in what is going on either, decade after decade until the ride ends. Some people choose to stop, each has their own method, their own way, they make the choice to end the ride early.

There is another way.

A couple of years ago, I found myself right at the top of that spinning vortex, about to get flung out or about to do something, end the ride? I don’t know if I was there, but there was a lot of nights, a lot of loneliness, in the midst of a world full of people. A lot of thoughts. One night in particular I was on a walk with my dog when I came to a set of train tracks. A train came to the crossing right at the same time I did. I don’t know if you have ever been there. I wasn’t in a place to decide that I wanted to end the ride, but I was in a place of contemplating that if I ever wanted to end the ride, maybe this would be a way to end the ride, and that, I shouldn’t but if I should, then I wonder if….

There is something about all that metal screaming past you at 80km/hr, the noise the rattling and the squeaking, that drowns out all the thoughts in your head, where all that remains is a few thoughts of clarity that scream through the noise.

I WANT a BETTER LIFE!!! Get me off this ride!!!

Then, the train passed, and I was left in the darkness of that night, under a star filled sky. With my dog. And as he nudged my hand, his wet nose pressing annoyingly against my fingers as if to say, “that was freaky, can we go now?” It was so quiet. He nervously sat down, as I just stood there, then he let out a little whimper, and laid down at my feet, not sure what to make of his Master at this moment. This and other experiences taught me something about this vortex we find ourselves going around and around in.

I decided there really only is one way out.

IN!

So, I pointed in, right to the centre, to the dark, scary tight, uncomfortable centre. I started talking authentically about things with the people I found there, the people that were still there, My wife, my best friends, I started talking about my addictions, my hang ups. I started talking and sharing about my hurts. I started talking about the pain I had caused, I started talking about how I felt like a failure as a husband, father, friend, and boss. And as I started going further and further in, and picking up steam, I found myself at the bottom of the vortex plunging through a crisis of self, and starting to come out the other side.

You know what I found? I found me, I found light, I found Joy, I found deep satisfaction in my relationships. I found Love with my wife. I found out that I have a TON to offer. I found that I can talk to my kids and be heard by them, I found freedom from addiction. I found LIFE!

What is the pointing in? It is attaching. It is getting close with other people, instead of constantly further away. Our society is adverse to it. We find it uncomfortable. We don’t want to know how you are “feeling” hell, we don’t even want to know how WE are feeling!!!! And so we end up blessed beyond measure, in the top 1% of the world, lonely as all hell, in a room full of people.

I’m going to bring this around again to talking about a tribe. A group of people that won’t let you die, that won’t let you down, that will speak into your life, that will be your compass point, that are there to help, that are there to hold, that are there to guide, direct, encourage.

When you started your welding career, or your oil field hauling business, or whatever gig you do, you started with a bunch of questions and no answers. There was a point in time when I did not know how to swing a hammer. Ever watch people with a “natural” ability to…. I don’t know figure skate? Or, play hockey? Or ___________? Turns out that “natural” ability isn’t natural at all, because going to 10,000 hours of hockey practice will probably mean you have a slightly better slapshot than me (I have never been able to ever lift a puck off the ice). So, have you ever seen someone with a “natural” parenting ability, or natural with relationships? Guess what? It ain’t natural. Those are learned skills that you can learn too. Just like you learned to Weld, just like you learned to back up a trailer, just like you learned how to write up a contract.

You know how I know? I didn’t have these “natural abilities” when I first started parenting, or when I first got married. Turns out I was a crappy dad and an even worse husband. Turns out, if you understand a few things about the way people naturally mature, it helps a TON, turns out you don’t have to be frustrated with your kids, turns out there is a better way, turns out you can have their hearts, turns out you can light every one of your relationships on fire, so it works for you AND them. Turns out you don’t have to be a selfish prick to get what you want, you have to give up being so concerned about yourself.

Turns out you don’t have to be alone. There is as TRIBE - all around you, waiting for you, wanting you, wish you would take the first step, remember - we are not good at this, so you are going to get push back, people don't want to talk - gravitate towards the ones that do. There are honestly all sorts of organizations and groups out there to help you out, but it is up to you. Point to the centre find your tribe, find who is really there for you. It turns out - you don't have to be alone.

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

And then you turned to the centre, headlong to the only place that would help, back where you belong.

slv2all

Coming soon to the web, my TRIBE’S new meeting place www.OnePerson.ca

if you need help – Please just click this link, have a look around

www.suicidehelp.ca

if you want to talk to someone contact me on twitter @justinatthomson or by email ceo@heritagefamilyservices.com

It is good to just to talk, to share what you are thinking and feeling, sometimes, family is the hardest to talk to, so there are people on the outside, who can help.

A Better LIFE!!!

A better life.

Sometimes we retreat into the shadows. We move away, slink back, we don’t want to put ourselves out there anymore.

We are tired. We are drained. We are not satisfied.

We are lonely.

These are odd spots to be in. In a world full of people. In a world full of blessing. In Alberta, where the land bubbles with treasure from the deep that we did not put there, we just get to be the rich recipient of.

Election around the corner – Alberta puts forth a budget, so does Ontario. Our has 27% of our revenue coming from the royalties paid from what comes out of dirt. Ontario has no such revenue stream, theirs is income tax.

So here we sit in Alberta. Alone, wondering why.

A great deal has changed in these last 107 years. All of these changes impact you today, your life, what you experience every day, and the way you think, act and respond. I’m speaking about something that brings such Joy and excitement to life, it is hard to explain. I’m speaking about attachment.

Attaching to others. When Alberta was born, we understood this, but now we have lost our way.

Our now world screams independence, then, 106 years ago there was no such thing. It screams to us about having our own mortgage, our own family, our own kids, our own cars, our own life. Do you know what that leads to? It leads to a life on our own. Imagine that, in its full ramification, hunting, gathering, storing, living, all on your own. Sounds like a lot of hardship right? Sounds like a lonely existence. Sounds kinda scary.

But here is the thing, that is exactly what we, to a large extent, are doing. We are doing life alone. Why? Simple, we haven’t learned to Attach. If we would just consider, how attached we really are, how much we really need each other. How much we can’t survive day to day without each other, maybe we would realize that on a relation plain we need each other. I had a conversation recently about those who are “self actualized” you know what I found out? They had other people. They had a group, they had a tribe, they had friends, sure Gandhi was the spokesman, sure, Luther was the forerunner, sure Mother Teresa was in the spot light. But, what of the village, the group, the TRIBE that elevated them to that place? That pushed back, that held firm, that continued the work, that asked the hard questions, that cared, that loved, them, when they didn’t love themselves?

A better life?

Sometimes, in order to achieve our dreams we have to realize our own insignificance, and, how perfectly significant we are, at the exact same time. Sometimes, when we are unable to speak, we must allow others to speak for us. Sometimes when all we want to do is scream, and cry, we must let others speak on our behalf.

This world needs you. So many are saying “I don’t know” when deep inside, you know you have an answer. So take a breather, muster up your courage, tomorrow is a brand new day, and you are going to be just fine. But this is what we need you to do:

Attach

Relationally.

Believe, that I can handle what you throw at me. Believe, that I care, believe, that I need you, and you need me. Believe that we will be better, when we link arms. Believe that when you call me out, I WANT to respond, I want to do more pushups, I want to run farther, I want to lift more, and I want to be a better person, I want to be a better friend, I want to be a better man, I want to be a better husband, I want to be a better Dad. And maybe, just maybe you telling me that you care for me, but that I need to smarten up, is just what I need to start having a better life. A life of Joy.

What I need is a TRIBE.

And no, not a group of followers (I’ve got 768 of those on twitter) I need a TRIBE. I need people that are not ok with who I am, and who are willing to look me in the eye and with love in their hearts tell me they need me to change. I need a TRIBE of people that are asking, no BEGGING me to be my best, so they can follow. I need a TRIBE who when the going gets tough, have my back. I need a TRIBE of people that will sustain each other, help each other, fight for each other see the value in each other. Who will only show each others faults in the context of unending love and appreciation. I need a TRIBE.

As a matter of fact. I need it so bad, that I’m going to build one. I’m going to show others how to build one. I’m going to matter to them, and they are going to mean the world to me. Because if I don’t, I’m just going to end up alone. And that is one thing I don’t want to be.

I want a better life. One with deep abiding Joy.

slv2all

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone.

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone.

This blog post is about relationships.

And guys I want you to read it.

I came so close to botching this up completely, sometimes, when it’s quiet, and its just me, it really freaks me out how close I got to giving up.

Don’t throw in the towel.

Ok, here it goes. (that was the guy pep talk)

I watched a video recently (apparently a viral one) in which a dad “responds” to his daughters “inappropriate” rant on Facebook by posting a video (to her wall) . In the video, he “lays down the law” and then gets up from his chair and literally puts 6 bullets into her laptop.

What do you think? Appropriate? Funny? Entertaining?

Or how about my favorite (ya, the response I hate)

Whatever…

(ooooh nothing gets me like apathy)

Its 2012, and in this day and age relationships are different, WAY different than they ever have been. We have instant communication, Facebook, twitter, text messaging. Dad’s used to say good bye in the morning, and that was it until supper. If Dad worked away, that was it, for weeks at a time. Now it is different, and part of that is good, and part of it, well, not so good.

So, you have relationships.

Friends, Spouse, Kids, Siblings, etc.

Life used to demand that we keep relationships in check. Because without them you starved to death, or died alone in the cold.

We used to need relationships to survive.

Now you need them to thrive.

More than likely, you can think of one relationship that pisses you off, gets you angry, and well just isn’t working – it doesn’t bring you joy, or fulfillment, or peace or happiness. And, you can also think of times when the relationships you consider good, they make you feel that way too.

Let me try and put this in perspective.

There are moments – pure ones that are full of everything you want in life! Fun moments, when you are out with your friends, and its just good solid times, things are clicking, and you are happy. I’ve had moments like that with my little kids like 3-year-olds, good times giggling away at nothing. Or even just good times, like having a camp fire and couple of beers. Or Heck, what about sex with my wife, when we both want to be with each other?

Good times.

We have all had them. How come we can’t make them last?

Not so long ago, I spent the majority of my life in agony over my relationships. Mad. Angry. As a matter of fact, I was so angry and frustrated that a cop (after asking me three times if I was ok) pulled his badge on me, and asked me one more time. “Sir, are you ok?” I can’t tell you how close I was to doing something really stupid.

What changed?

What makes the good times last? What makes anger short? Forgiveness quick? What makes Relationships that continually bring you Joy?

Simple. Understanding them, and working on them.

And this is what the dad in the viral video gets so wrong, his stupid senseless reaction isn’t building his relationship with his daughter. It’s killing it.

Killing it.

Don’t you think that dad wants to walk his little girl down the aisle some day? I bet he does, and I bet he is frustrated with his relationship with her. And here is the tricky part, that relationship is HIS responsibility. Kids have been whining about their parents since they walked in the desert with Moses – come on people! Provide a safe kids for your kids to belong. For them to mature. Be more important to them than their friends. Attach to them.

I’m not taking all the time to answer everything here tonight. But let me just say this, if your relationships are frustrating you, it is because you don’t understand them. We have lost our intuition about relationships. Especially with our kids. And I can prove it to you.

2 situations:

A 12 month old crying in her high chair because she didn’t get what she wants – what does the mother do? Takes the child out, and brings her close. Does it help to yell? No. Does it help to hit? No. It helps to draw close and soothe.

2^nd situation Your best friend looses their 14 year old daughter to a car accident. What do you do? You go over, and you may not know what to say, but you stay in their presence. Does it matter if they are swearing and yelling? Or throwing things? No.

So, why is it ok to be different with a 14 year old? Why do we speak harshly? Why do we shame? Why do we tell them to grow up? Why do we tell them we don’t care? Why do we tell them to shut up? Why do we send them away from us, instead of allowing them, in their frustration to share it with us, to be with us?

And then, after pushing our kids away from us for 10 years, why do we wonder that they won’t listen to us, that they would rather listen and impress friends? Why do we then wonder, why they never call, and why they look coldly at us. Why do we wonder when they then turn and push away from us? Why do we wonder why our relationships are shallow?

You just pushed them away during the most important developmental time of their lives, when they needed your influence to help them mature. And now they practically hate you. But the things you said and did, if you did them to any of your friends, how long would they want to be with you?

We have lost our intuition.

Lets get it back.

Deep abiding joy in relationship is possible.

slv2all