#disneydad or #SuperDad

#disneydad or #SuperDad?

I’ve been asked to blog, to write, to express some things. Being asked this is a blessing and a privilege.

When I asked what topics this is the list I was given:

Living your dreams, inspiring/helping/motivating others to take control of their health, diet/exercise, honest real life talk, positive changes you make to enrich your lie or your families, #disneydad for ex, ahh haa life moments, pinnacle seeing, the true meaning of life, being your authentic self.

Huh. Quite the list.

Normaly a post like this will bang around between my ears for a couple of days before I ever start typing. But it turns out this post has been banging around in my head for months. Inside the middle of that list is something I was asked to write about – and failed to. Maybe you saw it – its kinda out of place – the only one with a hashtag - #disneydad.

Someone asked me to write about Disney dad before – and I didn’t  or maybe I should say  I haven’t yet. Actually that isn’t quite true, I did write about it – at great length, I just didn’t post it, and now I’m ready to tell you why. First the definition of #disneydad is basically a dad that swoops in on the weekends, buys the kids the things they want, and then leaves the kids sugared up and goes back to his life while mom picks up the pieces.

So why did I struggle to write about it? Because I am #disneydad – (or used to be and am growing out of it). There is a term at our house – that used to be painfully relevant – I’m pretty sure I made it up in the middle of a fight “non existent father figure” I’m pretty sure I was doing some asshole thing like trying to make my wife feel worse for her trying to make me more significant in our family life – just to get her to leave me alone.

I’ve been #DisneyDad, and I’m trying like hell to grow out of it, into something more with my kids. And ultimately I’m hoping some other guys will take up the challenge of being more significant men in their families. So why wouldn’t I write about it? Why wouldn’t I throw down about these dads that are struggling with their relationships? Because – that isn’t the way to health. That would be the equivalent of being told you are an overweight un-self-controlled lazy, glutton who doesn’t follow through on his own goals the first day you sign up at a new gym – not helpful, mostly because I already know what is wrong with me.

Here is the other MAJOR reason I won’t write about it in that way and it was clarified by the election in Alberta. The moment I read Allan Hunsperger blog (I’m not going to get much more detailed on the ‘who’ than that) something inside me seethed with anger. The real kind of anger – the deep kind, that makes your face turn read and your hands go cold. Here is a “christian” talking about homosexuals like he has any idea what he is talking about. The reason I say “christian” is because Jesus (that founder dude of the whole Christian thing) didn’t say “I say unto you – publically demoralize, shame, and speak negatively about anyone who sins” He didn’t. Jesus said, “Love your neighbour” actually He said more than that, He said – “love your neighbour as much as you love yourself” If Allan Hunsperger was listening (to the founder dude-Jesus) he would not be saying what he was saying.

So, Where does this leave us? And what about that list of things I was supposed to write about? :-)

Let me tell you about the lowest point in my life. It was the point as a guy, I reached out to another guy, and said I needed help. I didn’t have the answers. I was stuck. No, I’m not talking about the time I high centred my H1 and had to get tugged by a Dodge (true story). I’m talking about a very different day when I asked someone for help. Here is the scenario – after being a #disneydad for over a decade, and a man that just sought to get his needs and desires fulfilled, and after three kids, my wife and I were expecting our 4^th child. 2 weeks before our due date, the child died. StillBirth.

Born Still.

A couple of weeks after the funeral with my wife still in obvious emotional pain, a thought flashed through my head. It went like this “my needs are not being met, and they haven’t for so long. I just want to leave.” I had had similar thoughts before, but this was different because of the context of our loss. And to this I simply concluded, in my next set of thoughts “I am a dick! Who thinks like this when their wife is in this much pain? I NEED HELP!” There are plenty of things us guys get help for – even though we don’t like to admit it. Someone else puts a new alternator in my truck. Someone else put the furnace in my house. Someone else helps me run my business’. Someone else makes diesel so I can drive. Someone else got a medical education to fix my blown achilles tendon. But then there is stuff we DON’T want help on. And Relationships is one of those things. But this was too much and I was at the bottom, so I asked for help.

I got help from of group of guys who, it turns out, also needed help, so we helped each other.

The good news – today is day 1004 of sobriety.

Most people read that, and say “Oh neat he stopped drinking.” Some guys read that and say “What a pansy he can’t control himself with liquor.”

But, that isn’t what I am talking about – actually I had two beer the other night while watching the Canucks win. So, what I am I talking about? Sobriety from? Simply put, sexual addiction. Mostly online porn. And it had gotten bad, actually so bad that I regarded sex as the only way I could feel love. So bad I regarded sex as my only idea of intimacy with my wife. So bad, it was ruining my life. And here is where I want to interject with a huge thank you to my wife. The woman who has became my best friend. She has forgiven much, blessed me more. She is a woman of beauty, and she is the love of my life and my best friend!

The next thing I want to say – and hopefully have you listen to is this.

Watch your WORDS!!!

Have a listen, to what you are saying, and how you are saying it. Start your change by speaking differently. You can say “my wife is such a _______” or you can say “I wish I understood my wife better.” This really was a turning point for me, instead of blaming my wife for our problems (playing the victim) or blaming my kids (playing the victim to children) or blaming my work (playing the victim to an organization) I started taking responsibility for the things I was supposed to do.

I wrote something on a sticky note and placed it on my desk at eye level. It says this “Super Dad”. I’m not very far into my role as a super hero with my kids. And frankly some of it is uncomfortable, and frustrating when I fail miserably– especially with my nearly 12-year-old daughter. But this is what we were meant for. We were meant to be the super hero to our kids. To have all the answers, or if not the answers, the means to them. To have super powers, not just the all seeing eye, or sonic hearing, or a booming voice, but the ability to hug your daughter longer than she wants to hug you. The super power to fascinate the mind of a five year old, and bend the will of an 18 month old in a way that has her laughing and giggling while doing what you wanted. The super powers to provide, protect, love and nurture your wife WHILE backing up the holiday trailer. The super power to make fire, with a flint stick, and show your kids they have this power too. You know what it takes? Creativity, willingness, internal strength (because most time I don’t really feel like it I'd rather drink beer and sit on the couch). You know what you will get as a result? The same thing all our super heros got, fans, followers, and believers. And trust me, there is not greater feeling in the world.

Disney is plastic. I’ve been there, they just took the thing of imagination and wrapped it with plastic from Alberta (via China), and then do the same parade every day. Its fake and its hollow, it leads to one good memory, but you can’t build a life off of it.  And sure, Disney has it’s super hero’s but they get shut off when its time for bed, you have the real opportunity to be a real live – “sure I can pick you up from that party because I love you and want to hold and protect you” – super hero. Sometimes super hero’s know what to say, and sometimes Super Hero’s know when it is best to say nothing. Time to take your super powers seriously, and become what I know we all can be. The reason I don’t want to sit back and bash dad’s that only see their kids on the weekends is because I know that will just drive them further away. There are ways of making it work, ways rooted deep within our human nature. Yes there are frustrations, but on the other side of them once we have learned a little more and struggled against self, is the joy of being a super dad. And if we focus on helping each other get better – maybe, just maybe we will actually get better.

slv2all

I’ll be running a class soon – starting on May 3^rd at JDFT fitness on Thursday night – it is called Power to Parent. We have an unimaginable amount of Power as parents, and I am hoping you can use it to have the very best in your powerful life! I hope to see some of you awesome Super Dad's there!

The only way out is IN

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

Why did I see you this way? Why did I see your pain? Why did I see, what you didn’t want me to see?

Simple.

Me too.

I’ve been alone in a room full of people. I’ve smiled, shook hands and been “happy” while on the inside I’m screaming: “WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY CARE!!!!!”

I too have gone through the motions of this life, I’ve gotten up, drove my kids to school, got coffee, managed my way through a day, gone home, eaten, cleaned, kissed, said I love you, slept, and repeated- and wondered how much more I could take.

And thought, “I can’t take anymore.”

How bad could it get?

Bad.

How do you get out of this loop?

?

Image yourself, and this loop, going round and round, each day, another trip around the vortex. There are a couple of ways to get out. Some choose to quit. Some choose to abandon families, to book out and “move on” but really they just move to a higher part of the same vortex further disconnected from the centre and what they really want. The centre looks scary as it gets narrower, tighter, it looks like death, its more comfy spinning around up at the outer rings. Or is it? Some people decide to just keep spinning exactly where they are, day after day, year after year. They just keep whipping around, with really no hope of anything changing, but no satisfaction in what is going on either, decade after decade until the ride ends. Some people choose to stop, each has their own method, their own way, they make the choice to end the ride early.

There is another way.

A couple of years ago, I found myself right at the top of that spinning vortex, about to get flung out or about to do something, end the ride? I don’t know if I was there, but there was a lot of nights, a lot of loneliness, in the midst of a world full of people. A lot of thoughts. One night in particular I was on a walk with my dog when I came to a set of train tracks. A train came to the crossing right at the same time I did. I don’t know if you have ever been there. I wasn’t in a place to decide that I wanted to end the ride, but I was in a place of contemplating that if I ever wanted to end the ride, maybe this would be a way to end the ride, and that, I shouldn’t but if I should, then I wonder if….

There is something about all that metal screaming past you at 80km/hr, the noise the rattling and the squeaking, that drowns out all the thoughts in your head, where all that remains is a few thoughts of clarity that scream through the noise.

I WANT a BETTER LIFE!!! Get me off this ride!!!

Then, the train passed, and I was left in the darkness of that night, under a star filled sky. With my dog. And as he nudged my hand, his wet nose pressing annoyingly against my fingers as if to say, “that was freaky, can we go now?” It was so quiet. He nervously sat down, as I just stood there, then he let out a little whimper, and laid down at my feet, not sure what to make of his Master at this moment. This and other experiences taught me something about this vortex we find ourselves going around and around in.

I decided there really only is one way out.

IN!

So, I pointed in, right to the centre, to the dark, scary tight, uncomfortable centre. I started talking authentically about things with the people I found there, the people that were still there, My wife, my best friends, I started talking about my addictions, my hang ups. I started talking and sharing about my hurts. I started talking about the pain I had caused, I started talking about how I felt like a failure as a husband, father, friend, and boss. And as I started going further and further in, and picking up steam, I found myself at the bottom of the vortex plunging through a crisis of self, and starting to come out the other side.

You know what I found? I found me, I found light, I found Joy, I found deep satisfaction in my relationships. I found Love with my wife. I found out that I have a TON to offer. I found that I can talk to my kids and be heard by them, I found freedom from addiction. I found LIFE!

What is the pointing in? It is attaching. It is getting close with other people, instead of constantly further away. Our society is adverse to it. We find it uncomfortable. We don’t want to know how you are “feeling” hell, we don’t even want to know how WE are feeling!!!! And so we end up blessed beyond measure, in the top 1% of the world, lonely as all hell, in a room full of people.

I’m going to bring this around again to talking about a tribe. A group of people that won’t let you die, that won’t let you down, that will speak into your life, that will be your compass point, that are there to help, that are there to hold, that are there to guide, direct, encourage.

When you started your welding career, or your oil field hauling business, or whatever gig you do, you started with a bunch of questions and no answers. There was a point in time when I did not know how to swing a hammer. Ever watch people with a “natural” ability to…. I don’t know figure skate? Or, play hockey? Or ___________? Turns out that “natural” ability isn’t natural at all, because going to 10,000 hours of hockey practice will probably mean you have a slightly better slapshot than me (I have never been able to ever lift a puck off the ice). So, have you ever seen someone with a “natural” parenting ability, or natural with relationships? Guess what? It ain’t natural. Those are learned skills that you can learn too. Just like you learned to Weld, just like you learned to back up a trailer, just like you learned how to write up a contract.

You know how I know? I didn’t have these “natural abilities” when I first started parenting, or when I first got married. Turns out I was a crappy dad and an even worse husband. Turns out, if you understand a few things about the way people naturally mature, it helps a TON, turns out you don’t have to be frustrated with your kids, turns out there is a better way, turns out you can have their hearts, turns out you can light every one of your relationships on fire, so it works for you AND them. Turns out you don’t have to be a selfish prick to get what you want, you have to give up being so concerned about yourself.

Turns out you don’t have to be alone. There is as TRIBE - all around you, waiting for you, wanting you, wish you would take the first step, remember - we are not good at this, so you are going to get push back, people don't want to talk - gravitate towards the ones that do. There are honestly all sorts of organizations and groups out there to help you out, but it is up to you. Point to the centre find your tribe, find who is really there for you. It turns out - you don't have to be alone.

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

And then you turned to the centre, headlong to the only place that would help, back where you belong.

slv2all

Coming soon to the web, my TRIBE’S new meeting place www.OnePerson.ca

if you need help – Please just click this link, have a look around

www.suicidehelp.ca

if you want to talk to someone contact me on twitter @justinatthomson or by email ceo@heritagefamilyservices.com

It is good to just to talk, to share what you are thinking and feeling, sometimes, family is the hardest to talk to, so there are people on the outside, who can help.

A Better LIFE!!!

A better life.

Sometimes we retreat into the shadows. We move away, slink back, we don’t want to put ourselves out there anymore.

We are tired. We are drained. We are not satisfied.

We are lonely.

These are odd spots to be in. In a world full of people. In a world full of blessing. In Alberta, where the land bubbles with treasure from the deep that we did not put there, we just get to be the rich recipient of.

Election around the corner – Alberta puts forth a budget, so does Ontario. Our has 27% of our revenue coming from the royalties paid from what comes out of dirt. Ontario has no such revenue stream, theirs is income tax.

So here we sit in Alberta. Alone, wondering why.

A great deal has changed in these last 107 years. All of these changes impact you today, your life, what you experience every day, and the way you think, act and respond. I’m speaking about something that brings such Joy and excitement to life, it is hard to explain. I’m speaking about attachment.

Attaching to others. When Alberta was born, we understood this, but now we have lost our way.

Our now world screams independence, then, 106 years ago there was no such thing. It screams to us about having our own mortgage, our own family, our own kids, our own cars, our own life. Do you know what that leads to? It leads to a life on our own. Imagine that, in its full ramification, hunting, gathering, storing, living, all on your own. Sounds like a lot of hardship right? Sounds like a lonely existence. Sounds kinda scary.

But here is the thing, that is exactly what we, to a large extent, are doing. We are doing life alone. Why? Simple, we haven’t learned to Attach. If we would just consider, how attached we really are, how much we really need each other. How much we can’t survive day to day without each other, maybe we would realize that on a relation plain we need each other. I had a conversation recently about those who are “self actualized” you know what I found out? They had other people. They had a group, they had a tribe, they had friends, sure Gandhi was the spokesman, sure, Luther was the forerunner, sure Mother Teresa was in the spot light. But, what of the village, the group, the TRIBE that elevated them to that place? That pushed back, that held firm, that continued the work, that asked the hard questions, that cared, that loved, them, when they didn’t love themselves?

A better life?

Sometimes, in order to achieve our dreams we have to realize our own insignificance, and, how perfectly significant we are, at the exact same time. Sometimes, when we are unable to speak, we must allow others to speak for us. Sometimes when all we want to do is scream, and cry, we must let others speak on our behalf.

This world needs you. So many are saying “I don’t know” when deep inside, you know you have an answer. So take a breather, muster up your courage, tomorrow is a brand new day, and you are going to be just fine. But this is what we need you to do:

Attach

Relationally.

Believe, that I can handle what you throw at me. Believe, that I care, believe, that I need you, and you need me. Believe that we will be better, when we link arms. Believe that when you call me out, I WANT to respond, I want to do more pushups, I want to run farther, I want to lift more, and I want to be a better person, I want to be a better friend, I want to be a better man, I want to be a better husband, I want to be a better Dad. And maybe, just maybe you telling me that you care for me, but that I need to smarten up, is just what I need to start having a better life. A life of Joy.

What I need is a TRIBE.

And no, not a group of followers (I’ve got 768 of those on twitter) I need a TRIBE. I need people that are not ok with who I am, and who are willing to look me in the eye and with love in their hearts tell me they need me to change. I need a TRIBE of people that are asking, no BEGGING me to be my best, so they can follow. I need a TRIBE who when the going gets tough, have my back. I need a TRIBE of people that will sustain each other, help each other, fight for each other see the value in each other. Who will only show each others faults in the context of unending love and appreciation. I need a TRIBE.

As a matter of fact. I need it so bad, that I’m going to build one. I’m going to show others how to build one. I’m going to matter to them, and they are going to mean the world to me. Because if I don’t, I’m just going to end up alone. And that is one thing I don’t want to be.

I want a better life. One with deep abiding Joy.

slv2all

Defended

It was mere hours after her husband left for yet another 2 week stint in the oil field, when her 3 year old daughter started complaining, tugging at her ears. She rested her hand on her forehead. Fever. She got her thermometer, and sure enough 104 – time to go to the hospital, oh how she had wished the fever had broke earlier. She loaded the kids in the car, and just got going when she realized the gaslight was on, children crying, one with a fever – and ‘THIS IS WHEN I NEED GAS? The gas light stared back at her as she pulled out the driveway. 10:55, she hoped to get to the gas station before it closed. She pulled up just as the station lights went off, and a man flipped over the open sign.

Closed.

Clearly the hours of operation said closed at 11:00. She got out, and approached the door, the man says curtly through the door – “I’m closed” she pleaded- looking at her watch and the sign “but it says 11:00.” “Tell someone who cares!” he scowled. “Please Sir, I’ve got two kids in the car, no gas and I’m on the way to the hospital – “Look lady (still through the door) the pumps are off, the till is off, I’M CLOSED!” waving both hands in the air. “I’ll speak to your manager about this!” she half yells as he turns and walks away from the door to the back of the store, he stopped, and turned back, almost rushing at her “I AM THE FUCKING MANAGER!!”

Her fists clench, a wave of something like adrenalin flushes over her, she goes numb from the top of her head this wave passes over her entire body – and somewhere in her fear, rage, and concern for her little ones, she decides.

“I’m never coming back here again. “

Ever.

She hops in her car, the needle now shoes bellow the ‘E’, – ‘Oh no, I just wasted 5 minutes arguing with this jerk, now the next station will surely be closed,’ she drives down the street, and sure enough sees the next gas stations lights shut off – the clock on the dash says 11:01. Tears begin to whelm, as she imagines herself calling someone – or, even trying to hitch a ride with two small kids, she pulls into the driveway as she sees a man locking the front door and getting in his truck.

As she approaches he turns and warmly smiles, as he walks towards her, rolling down the window, “how can I help you ma’am?”

“Sir – my kids are sick, I’m heading to the hospital and I’m right out of gas.” He looks around the car – first at the dash – the needle on the E, then at the kids in the back seat, then back at her.

“Well, the store is closed, I just locked up, to bad you were not here 5 minutes ago…

But, tell you what, uh, pull up to my truck.”

As she pulls up, he notices him reach into the back of the truck for a jerry can.

“I was going to go quading tomorrow morning with my son, but I can just come back here quick in the morning,” he says as he removes the gas cap of her car, and begins to put the nozzle of the jerry can together, she begins to take her seatbelt off, noticing he says, “don’t worry, just stay there, I ‘ll get it.”

“So how old are your kids?” He says as he lifts the jerry can and starts pouring it in her car.

“My boy is 16 months and my daughter with the fever is 3.”

“Is she teething?”

“No, ear infection I think, but she has also had a chest cold.” “Ya, always seems to come all at once.

My son was like that, seems like every new tooth was accompanied by a head cold, chest cold, or fever. She will be fine – but you can never be sure – better safe than sorry.”

She laid her head back on her headrest, and thought to her self how thankful she was for this man.

“So how long have you worked here?”

“Since I bought it in 2007” he says smiling warmly, “we’ve had our rough patches, I had to replace the roof a year after I bought it, just about put me under, so my Dad had to help me out, did you know it costs like $30,000 to put a new roof on that building?”

“No – really” she says,

“Ya, but I believe as long as your honest, and you care about people, that the creator will take care of you.”

She sat in the silence, listening to the gas pour into her gas tank, when she realize, ‘Crap I don’t have any cash!’

“There, that’s 25 liters, that should get you to the hospital and back..”

She sheepishly spoke , “I’m feel so horrible, I don’t have cash, do you want to hold my credit card?”

“Nope – I don’t want your money, tell you what, the next time someone is in need – just give back to the universe the same as it was given to you. The creator, always takes care of His children, especially those who take care of each other.”

She wished she had time to ask him about his philosophy, as it wasn’t until now, that she noticed this man was aboriginal.

“Sir are you,” (she stumbled with how to ask) into the pause he said jokingly – “am I an Indian?”

Um ya?

“Metis, come back, I’ll tell you my story.”

“Thanks so much, you are a life saver”

As she drove away – another feeling washed over her, not has powerful, not as predominate, it was hard to describe.

It felt more like a hug.

“I’m definitely coming back” she thought as she waved goodbye.

Defended-ness.

I want you to think about the places you will never go back to.

Or

Think about the things you never want to talk about – with anyone.

Why?

There is a natural thing that happens – in our brains, that is actually a natural protection mechanism; Psychologists call it the brain defending itself. It happens like in the first situation above, or in extremely stressful things like a sudden car accident, or even when you cut yourself. It can be described as shock. The brain actually shields itself with a wall of endorphin like chemicals, to protect itself from harm. When we make decisions in these moments – they stick HARD and the more often they happen, the more hard they stick. Sometimes this is extremely helpful. For instance, somewhere along the way you discovered when you see the light on the curling iron, or, hover your hand over it to see if it is warm, instead of just grabbing it when you want to put it away. That ONE TIME you grabbed it hot – and it burned you, you “decided” that you would never let that happen to you again – endorphins rushed through your body, and forever – you have learned your lesson.

Burned you. Learned your lesson.

Or we could punctuate that a different way:

Burned, you learned your lesson.

Who has burned you? And, What lessons have you “learned?” This same thing happens to us in relationships, and, this same thing is happening around us, around you. The way you speak, the way you act, the way you parent, the way you are a friend, the way you are a boss, the way you are a co-worker. You are having these lasting impacts on people. Often we take our own defended-ness, and unfortunately push that forward to another generation, or to others who haven’t even hurt us, or been a part of our pain.

Think about your “resolution thoughts” where do they come from? Why are they there? How long have they been there? And have you necessarily made the right choices in the things you have firmly “decided on.” For instance maybe you have decided, “I am never going to be hurt again” but building that wall of defended-ness, where has it left you? Alone? Behind everyone’s current day actions are a life of previous days actions and reactions. Each of those decisions building the person you are today. In some circumstances you have built walls that damage you today, hurt others today, and generally are not helpful. So what do you do about this? To this I would like to offer you a word Perspective. The first thing you need something we all need. Like an athlete, you can’t properly see what is wrong with your stride, what needs adjustment in your slapshot, what needs tweaking in your golf swing, without perspective. You, we, ALWAYS need an outside look at an inward reality. You need others to look at you and tell you what you see – this is the main issue – you have to allow others to look in. The second thing is almost more important, you need a healthy perspective of others. You can’t just view their present day reactions and actions in and of themselves, you have to view them in a context of a whole life, and ask yourself (and them if they allow you) what set of circumstances resulted in this behaviour. Added to both of these is the powerful dynamic of Love – or call it unconditional positive regard if you’re uncomfortable with the L word. You have to CARE. People were not born this way, people MATURED this way, and somewhere in their natural maturation process maybe some things got stuck, and if you are about helping them get unstuck, then they need your unconditional love, and acceptance.

In light of this, here is an illustration – let’s end our short story differently:

She wished she had time to ask him about his philosophy, as it wasn’t until now, that she noticed this man was aboriginal.

“Sir are you,” (she stumbled with how to ask) into the pause he said jokingly – “am I an Indian?”

“Um ya?”

“Metis, come back, I’ll tell you my story.”

“Thanks so much, you are a life saver, hey just wondering the guy who owns the other Gas station is sure a jerk hey? I bet you get a lot of business from him just because he doesn’t treat people nice?”

“You mean Fred? From up the street? “He said with a hint of surprise in his voice. “Oh, no, Fred couldn’t be a nicer guy, he is just in a really rough spot right now. What happened?” “Really?” Her nose scrunched up as she said it, “He was just locking up early and treated me horribly!!”

“Oh no,” his shoulders slumped as he seemed to struggle to get the words out. “Well, did you hear about that accident a couple of months back where the drunk driver plowed into the mini van, and killed the mother and three kids?”

“Ya,”

“That was Fred’s family,” tears whelmed in his eyes as he looked into the night sky, “the night the accident happened Fred was supposed to drive them to his son’s hockey game, but one of his employees called in sick, so Fred went in to close. To be honest I think he probably hates locking that place up now because it probably reminds him of that night. I was surprised to see him there so late tonight. Like I said, he is in a rough spot. I’ve asked the creator many times why that would happen to such a nice man, sometimes the universe just returns stillness, Fred wa such a loving father and good husband. I think Fred,” He went on “I think he resents things so much, that he built a great fire around his heart to protect himself. Now anyone who gets close, gets burned. He does not treat his workers with the respect they deserve, they quit, and then he has to work harder. It’s a vicious cycle Fred is in.”

“Oh my that is so sad,” her heart suddenly changed for him, now instead of a heartless shopkeeper who didn’t care, she saw a broken lonely father, and loving husband that had lost everything.

“My prayer to the creator is that Fred would be able to forgive himself, but he has a really long journey ahead of him. The only thing that puts this fire out is time, and love.” Anyway, I won’t keep you any longer.” He said lifting the Jerry Can into his truck as she began to pull away….”Hey! And remember – don’t forget to pay it forward!” He said with a wide smile.

The hospital visit, went fairly routine, her child was fine, the Dr. gave her a prescription for ear drops and asked she fill it immediately, “there is an all-night pharmacy open – the shoppers drug mart.” “Ok” As she drove there she wondered about the things she had heard this night and realized, she didn’t even know his name! As she waited at the pharmacy, an unbelievable thing happened.

Fred walked in.

Her heart leapt, and she didn’t know what to do, as he got up to the counter next to him, with his prescription, she overheard the conversation with the pharmacist, something about sedatives, or something about sleeping pills – her heart ached for him, and what he must go through in an empty house, that used to be teaming with life, she left the counter and went to the check out. Thankfully Fred obviously did not recognize her, as he stood behind her in line, she finished checking out and was getting the kid jackets zipped up when she overheard the cashier asking him for the payment, she watched him realize he did not have his wallet – “Well isn’t that just great,” he grumbled “I’ll be back,” he said with a humph. Surprising herself, she turned to him, and after a moment of awkward silence, asked

“How much is it?” “What difference does it make to you?” He grumbled as he tried to walk past her. “Well if I could save you the long trip, look just,” she stuttered as she half blocked his path, “how much is it?”

“25 dollars” he curtly said, trying to side step her – instantly, like a movie flashback she heard the voice of the gas station owner asking her to pay it forward,

“the next time someone is in need – just give back to the universe the same as it was given to you. The creator, always takes care of His children, especially those who take care of each other.” “25 liters, that out to get you to the hospital and back”

“Can I please take care of it for you?” She asked

“No! Its fine,” he said shuffling past her in the narrow sliding doorway.

As the door slid open, she said “No I insist,” she instinctively reaching for and grabbed his hand, - her actions surprised her probably more than they did him.

They stood there, door open, his hand in hers, for what seemed like an awkward eternity. He stared at her had, now squeezing his. She noticed the wedding ring still on his finger. Tears whelmed up in her eyes. “Please” she said as he slowly turned them back to the till, leading him back, He stumbled through the words, “but how will I find you to pay back?” as she pulled out her debit card, she explained, “I don’t want to be paid back, a friend of mine, well, that is, someone I met tonight did a favour for me tonight, and he asked me to pay it forward.” “I don’t know what to say” he muttered, struggling to make eye contact.” “Don’t say anything, maybe it’s just the creator,” she grimaced trying to figure out what to say, “or something, uh, maybe it just me showing you I care.” She quickly blurted out crumpling the receipt and stuffing it in her pocket. As she gathered the kids, he said, “Thank you, it seems there is some goodness in the universe after all.”

As they got into the car her daughter asked her “Mommy, who was that man and why did you pay for his stuff.”

“He’s a man just like us honey, and like us tonight, he was just in a rough spot and needed a bit of help.”

We are all connected.

What you say matters, who you are matters. Unconditional positive regard (LOVE) is not a part of our regular vocabulary, we have become a consumer society fixated on ourselves. We need to look at things from other people’s perspectives and let it deeply touch our hearts.

What are you afraid of?

To the kids we raise, we need to provide a place – a home- that exudes love and caring and peace so they do not build walls of defended-ness against us. To our love ones, we MUST be love, and caring, we must move with compassion every day. Love and caring RAPIDLY tear down the walls of defended-ness, And where Love isn’t able to tear down a wall, it climbs it, to see what is on the other side. These interactions revealing the purity of human souls before life got in the way, longing to be known and understood. When you are tired at the end of the day, like a runner, you must press on to the goal which is in good news to all people around you, that you have a bit more to give, a bit more patience a bit more love.

You have goodness in your heart, but it might be hiding behind a wall of bricks, or a raging fire you have built to protect it. Find it, smash through the defended-ness of your past, get your friends to help you. Put out the fire. And when you are ready give it away to someone else, who, is just like you, today, in a rough spot who needs a bit of help.

slv2all

Keep them CLOSE

Keep them CLOSE

I've been reading the works of Dr Gordon Neufeld, his life altering work on Attachment Theory, he is a theorist, and he is culminating his life work.

It's amazing.

his book you can find here: http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/Hold-Your-Kids-Why-Parents-Gordon-Neufeld-Gabor-Mate/9780676974720-item.html

his web site http://www.gordonneufeld.com/

I will be putting on a class SOON where he does the teaching, and we get to discuss afterwards. We will all be better for it!!!

Oh, and in case you chased your way here from the twitter feed of @justinATthomson this is one more thing you should also know, I am also the CEO of Heritage Family Services

see me here http://www.heritagefamilyservices.com/team.html

:-) ya, and I love building things so I also own a cabinet company - confused yet???

ok, Keep them CLOSE

I want you to think about this relationship stuff with you HEART I want you to think about how you FEEL when your kids cry. I want you to know, that most times our intuition wins and I would like to spell it out to you in a couple of simple ways.

First thing you need to know is that kids are developing - and SLOOOOOWLY maturing their way into adults. That said - they are not adults yet so instead of telling them to GROW UP show them how to grow up (trust me I made this mistake LOTS with my dear 11 year old!)

back to intuition.

As a mom (or a dad who watches a mom) what do moms naturally do when their infant cries?

they pull them close and soothe.

Okay what do you do when your 40 year old friend goes through a tragedy? You go over, you listen, you exist in their presence, you stay close.

Well turns out this same thing is what we have lost our intuition on in the last 30-60 years with older kids and teens. Now we use the "timeout" and we do so in an uninformed way. That is, lets ask the question, where did this idea come from? Who invented it? Does it work?

It does work, but not in what we want - that is, it does end behaviour, but at what cost? (the time out was created to keep abusive parents from their kids in the heat of anger but does that include you? no, so why are you using it?) Sending our kids away, and saying, "When you are good you can come out" is the equivalent of saying, when you behave you can exist in my presence. But, that is not what we say to the 16 month old crying baby, and not what we say to our 40 year old friend.

in fact, the things parents are saying to their 15 year olds, - What other relationship would they say those things in?

Hey I get it - this parenting thing isn't easy - but that doesn't mean we get to do it wrong. it might be easy to tell a 15 year old "I don't care about your problem" but, that is not what you want to communicate. And the slippery slope starts with the way we parent our kids at 2yrs 3yrs 4yrs.....

Where is this going... eventually what we want as parents is to matter to our kids. Dr. Neufeld simply states, "You want to matter more to your kids, than their friends matter to them." why? Well, when it comes to giving your kids advice about ecstasy - who do you want giving advice, you, or a 16 year old "friend" How about alcohol? dating relationships? marriage? driving? etc etc etc.

When kids don't "attach" to parents - because parents have been sending them "away" when they do not behave (and many other things I'm just picking on timeouts tonight), kids "attach" to their peers - because a basic human desire is "to be known" - in essence to attach.

Keep them CLOSE

How do you do that? simple (ok not really simple - but it gets easier - trust me) GO AND BE CLOSE TO THEM!!!! Dad's tell your daughters they are beautiful, moms and dads tell your kids that you love them!!! This does not mean that you don't discipline it means that you discipline in the context of a relationship. Be NICE!!! When kids get older you can tell them how frustrated you are with them (AND, how much you love them).

Deep down, when your kids face the disappointments that this life throws at them - you want to be the one that they go to. When they fail - you want them to go to you. When they make mistakes - you want them to come to you. When they get hurt - you want them to come close to you. the list goes on. So, now, NOW - go, and be close to THEM.

Keep them CLOSE

or

Someone else will.

slv2all

what you see is what you get

What you see is what you get.

What do you see?

Change what you see, change what you get, change what you do, change who you are.

What you see informs what you do.

Proof: you see a cardboard box in the middle of the street, you swerve to avoid it.

Well you do….

A five year old wants to build a fort out of it.

A community minded person wants to see who’s it is and see if they can help get it back to its owner.

An opportunist wants to see if there is anything in it of value.

A homeless man wants to live in it.

This from a cardboard box.

How do you see in your spouse?

How do you see your kids?

How do you see your job?

When you wake up in the morning, how do you see your world?

You can wake up, and tell yourself that life is hard, that you have a ton to overcome, that you have to struggle and fight your way through your day.

And.

That is exactly what you will do.

This morning I woke up, swung my feet over my bed, and took a breath.

I was thankful for warmth. Thankful for food. Thankful for running water. Thankful for my beautiful wife. Thankful for my awesome kids. Thankful for my car. Thankful for the gift of transportation. By the time I got to starbucks I had a huge smile on my face, and as I put a lid on my coffee the barista said to me “have a great day!” I said in return “It already is the best day I've ever had!”

Her response kinda shocked me in a cool fun way as she said:

“That is two days in a row!”

That made me smile even more.

Life is beautiful.

All Humans are born with natural potentials. We each are born with the exact same natural potentials. And our goal as parents must be, to understand and explore these potentials.

Beyond our kids, we should seek to understand what the potentials of ourselves are, of what our friends are, of what our spouse is, AND we should seek to draw out the BEST in each other. By being positive, by being energetic, by believing in each other.

You are amazing. Your potential, is probably beyond what you think it is. Life isn’t hard – it is a GIFT!!

You are beautiful, because you were born with the exact same human potential as any other person that has ever walked this globe before you!

Tomorrow, try and see things differently.

For what they really are. Or perhaps….

For what they could be….

:-)

slv2all

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone.

You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone.

This blog post is about relationships.

And guys I want you to read it.

I came so close to botching this up completely, sometimes, when it’s quiet, and its just me, it really freaks me out how close I got to giving up.

Don’t throw in the towel.

Ok, here it goes. (that was the guy pep talk)

I watched a video recently (apparently a viral one) in which a dad “responds” to his daughters “inappropriate” rant on Facebook by posting a video (to her wall) . In the video, he “lays down the law” and then gets up from his chair and literally puts 6 bullets into her laptop.

What do you think? Appropriate? Funny? Entertaining?

Or how about my favorite (ya, the response I hate)

Whatever…

(ooooh nothing gets me like apathy)

Its 2012, and in this day and age relationships are different, WAY different than they ever have been. We have instant communication, Facebook, twitter, text messaging. Dad’s used to say good bye in the morning, and that was it until supper. If Dad worked away, that was it, for weeks at a time. Now it is different, and part of that is good, and part of it, well, not so good.

So, you have relationships.

Friends, Spouse, Kids, Siblings, etc.

Life used to demand that we keep relationships in check. Because without them you starved to death, or died alone in the cold.

We used to need relationships to survive.

Now you need them to thrive.

More than likely, you can think of one relationship that pisses you off, gets you angry, and well just isn’t working – it doesn’t bring you joy, or fulfillment, or peace or happiness. And, you can also think of times when the relationships you consider good, they make you feel that way too.

Let me try and put this in perspective.

There are moments – pure ones that are full of everything you want in life! Fun moments, when you are out with your friends, and its just good solid times, things are clicking, and you are happy. I’ve had moments like that with my little kids like 3-year-olds, good times giggling away at nothing. Or even just good times, like having a camp fire and couple of beers. Or Heck, what about sex with my wife, when we both want to be with each other?

Good times.

We have all had them. How come we can’t make them last?

Not so long ago, I spent the majority of my life in agony over my relationships. Mad. Angry. As a matter of fact, I was so angry and frustrated that a cop (after asking me three times if I was ok) pulled his badge on me, and asked me one more time. “Sir, are you ok?” I can’t tell you how close I was to doing something really stupid.

What changed?

What makes the good times last? What makes anger short? Forgiveness quick? What makes Relationships that continually bring you Joy?

Simple. Understanding them, and working on them.

And this is what the dad in the viral video gets so wrong, his stupid senseless reaction isn’t building his relationship with his daughter. It’s killing it.

Killing it.

Don’t you think that dad wants to walk his little girl down the aisle some day? I bet he does, and I bet he is frustrated with his relationship with her. And here is the tricky part, that relationship is HIS responsibility. Kids have been whining about their parents since they walked in the desert with Moses – come on people! Provide a safe kids for your kids to belong. For them to mature. Be more important to them than their friends. Attach to them.

I’m not taking all the time to answer everything here tonight. But let me just say this, if your relationships are frustrating you, it is because you don’t understand them. We have lost our intuition about relationships. Especially with our kids. And I can prove it to you.

2 situations:

A 12 month old crying in her high chair because she didn’t get what she wants – what does the mother do? Takes the child out, and brings her close. Does it help to yell? No. Does it help to hit? No. It helps to draw close and soothe.

2^nd situation Your best friend looses their 14 year old daughter to a car accident. What do you do? You go over, and you may not know what to say, but you stay in their presence. Does it matter if they are swearing and yelling? Or throwing things? No.

So, why is it ok to be different with a 14 year old? Why do we speak harshly? Why do we shame? Why do we tell them to grow up? Why do we tell them we don’t care? Why do we tell them to shut up? Why do we send them away from us, instead of allowing them, in their frustration to share it with us, to be with us?

And then, after pushing our kids away from us for 10 years, why do we wonder that they won’t listen to us, that they would rather listen and impress friends? Why do we then wonder, why they never call, and why they look coldly at us. Why do we wonder when they then turn and push away from us? Why do we wonder why our relationships are shallow?

You just pushed them away during the most important developmental time of their lives, when they needed your influence to help them mature. And now they practically hate you. But the things you said and did, if you did them to any of your friends, how long would they want to be with you?

We have lost our intuition.

Lets get it back.

Deep abiding joy in relationship is possible.

slv2all