#disneydad or #SuperDad

#disneydad or #SuperDad?

I’ve been asked to blog, to write, to express some things. Being asked this is a blessing and a privilege.

When I asked what topics this is the list I was given:

Living your dreams, inspiring/helping/motivating others to take control of their health, diet/exercise, honest real life talk, positive changes you make to enrich your lie or your families, #disneydad for ex, ahh haa life moments, pinnacle seeing, the true meaning of life, being your authentic self.

Huh. Quite the list.

Normaly a post like this will bang around between my ears for a couple of days before I ever start typing. But it turns out this post has been banging around in my head for months. Inside the middle of that list is something I was asked to write about – and failed to. Maybe you saw it – its kinda out of place – the only one with a hashtag - #disneydad.

Someone asked me to write about Disney dad before – and I didn’t  or maybe I should say  I haven’t yet. Actually that isn’t quite true, I did write about it – at great length, I just didn’t post it, and now I’m ready to tell you why. First the definition of #disneydad is basically a dad that swoops in on the weekends, buys the kids the things they want, and then leaves the kids sugared up and goes back to his life while mom picks up the pieces.

So why did I struggle to write about it? Because I am #disneydad – (or used to be and am growing out of it). There is a term at our house – that used to be painfully relevant – I’m pretty sure I made it up in the middle of a fight “non existent father figure” I’m pretty sure I was doing some asshole thing like trying to make my wife feel worse for her trying to make me more significant in our family life – just to get her to leave me alone.

I’ve been #DisneyDad, and I’m trying like hell to grow out of it, into something more with my kids. And ultimately I’m hoping some other guys will take up the challenge of being more significant men in their families. So why wouldn’t I write about it? Why wouldn’t I throw down about these dads that are struggling with their relationships? Because – that isn’t the way to health. That would be the equivalent of being told you are an overweight un-self-controlled lazy, glutton who doesn’t follow through on his own goals the first day you sign up at a new gym – not helpful, mostly because I already know what is wrong with me.

Here is the other MAJOR reason I won’t write about it in that way and it was clarified by the election in Alberta. The moment I read Allan Hunsperger blog (I’m not going to get much more detailed on the ‘who’ than that) something inside me seethed with anger. The real kind of anger – the deep kind, that makes your face turn read and your hands go cold. Here is a “christian” talking about homosexuals like he has any idea what he is talking about. The reason I say “christian” is because Jesus (that founder dude of the whole Christian thing) didn’t say “I say unto you – publically demoralize, shame, and speak negatively about anyone who sins” He didn’t. Jesus said, “Love your neighbour” actually He said more than that, He said – “love your neighbour as much as you love yourself” If Allan Hunsperger was listening (to the founder dude-Jesus) he would not be saying what he was saying.

So, Where does this leave us? And what about that list of things I was supposed to write about? :-)

Let me tell you about the lowest point in my life. It was the point as a guy, I reached out to another guy, and said I needed help. I didn’t have the answers. I was stuck. No, I’m not talking about the time I high centred my H1 and had to get tugged by a Dodge (true story). I’m talking about a very different day when I asked someone for help. Here is the scenario – after being a #disneydad for over a decade, and a man that just sought to get his needs and desires fulfilled, and after three kids, my wife and I were expecting our 4^th child. 2 weeks before our due date, the child died. StillBirth.

Born Still.

A couple of weeks after the funeral with my wife still in obvious emotional pain, a thought flashed through my head. It went like this “my needs are not being met, and they haven’t for so long. I just want to leave.” I had had similar thoughts before, but this was different because of the context of our loss. And to this I simply concluded, in my next set of thoughts “I am a dick! Who thinks like this when their wife is in this much pain? I NEED HELP!” There are plenty of things us guys get help for – even though we don’t like to admit it. Someone else puts a new alternator in my truck. Someone else put the furnace in my house. Someone else helps me run my business’. Someone else makes diesel so I can drive. Someone else got a medical education to fix my blown achilles tendon. But then there is stuff we DON’T want help on. And Relationships is one of those things. But this was too much and I was at the bottom, so I asked for help.

I got help from of group of guys who, it turns out, also needed help, so we helped each other.

The good news – today is day 1004 of sobriety.

Most people read that, and say “Oh neat he stopped drinking.” Some guys read that and say “What a pansy he can’t control himself with liquor.”

But, that isn’t what I am talking about – actually I had two beer the other night while watching the Canucks win. So, what I am I talking about? Sobriety from? Simply put, sexual addiction. Mostly online porn. And it had gotten bad, actually so bad that I regarded sex as the only way I could feel love. So bad I regarded sex as my only idea of intimacy with my wife. So bad, it was ruining my life. And here is where I want to interject with a huge thank you to my wife. The woman who has became my best friend. She has forgiven much, blessed me more. She is a woman of beauty, and she is the love of my life and my best friend!

The next thing I want to say – and hopefully have you listen to is this.

Watch your WORDS!!!

Have a listen, to what you are saying, and how you are saying it. Start your change by speaking differently. You can say “my wife is such a _______” or you can say “I wish I understood my wife better.” This really was a turning point for me, instead of blaming my wife for our problems (playing the victim) or blaming my kids (playing the victim to children) or blaming my work (playing the victim to an organization) I started taking responsibility for the things I was supposed to do.

I wrote something on a sticky note and placed it on my desk at eye level. It says this “Super Dad”. I’m not very far into my role as a super hero with my kids. And frankly some of it is uncomfortable, and frustrating when I fail miserably– especially with my nearly 12-year-old daughter. But this is what we were meant for. We were meant to be the super hero to our kids. To have all the answers, or if not the answers, the means to them. To have super powers, not just the all seeing eye, or sonic hearing, or a booming voice, but the ability to hug your daughter longer than she wants to hug you. The super power to fascinate the mind of a five year old, and bend the will of an 18 month old in a way that has her laughing and giggling while doing what you wanted. The super powers to provide, protect, love and nurture your wife WHILE backing up the holiday trailer. The super power to make fire, with a flint stick, and show your kids they have this power too. You know what it takes? Creativity, willingness, internal strength (because most time I don’t really feel like it I'd rather drink beer and sit on the couch). You know what you will get as a result? The same thing all our super heros got, fans, followers, and believers. And trust me, there is not greater feeling in the world.

Disney is plastic. I’ve been there, they just took the thing of imagination and wrapped it with plastic from Alberta (via China), and then do the same parade every day. Its fake and its hollow, it leads to one good memory, but you can’t build a life off of it.  And sure, Disney has it’s super hero’s but they get shut off when its time for bed, you have the real opportunity to be a real live – “sure I can pick you up from that party because I love you and want to hold and protect you” – super hero. Sometimes super hero’s know what to say, and sometimes Super Hero’s know when it is best to say nothing. Time to take your super powers seriously, and become what I know we all can be. The reason I don’t want to sit back and bash dad’s that only see their kids on the weekends is because I know that will just drive them further away. There are ways of making it work, ways rooted deep within our human nature. Yes there are frustrations, but on the other side of them once we have learned a little more and struggled against self, is the joy of being a super dad. And if we focus on helping each other get better – maybe, just maybe we will actually get better.

slv2all

I’ll be running a class soon – starting on May 3^rd at JDFT fitness on Thursday night – it is called Power to Parent. We have an unimaginable amount of Power as parents, and I am hoping you can use it to have the very best in your powerful life! I hope to see some of you awesome Super Dad's there!