Bullying - a parents natural responsibility

Bullying.

What is a parents natural responsibility?

No one I have met, would say that a parent isn’t 100% responsible for an infant. Recently many online friends have or about to experience the natural wonder of childbirth. My online friend Becky Ainsley was the last person I know, who’s heart melted at the little bottom quivering lip of her infant son – see her story here: http://www.thebexfactor.com/2012/10/16/meet-mr-liam-john/

No one denies the responsibility of a parent at these moments. Infants are completely reliant on us, to feed, clean, nurture, connect.

So ok, that is a 1 week old, or, a 1 year old. What about a 12 year old?

I would argue that you are still 100% responsible but the role has changed.

Lets look at it this way – our job as parents is to nurture and protect our kids, until they are living breathing, contributing, fully aware adults, able to make their own responsible ethical and moral decisions, fix their own mistakes, and forge out their own lives. Can a 12 year old do that? Can they drive? Hold a job? Pay a mortgage?

Can a 15 year old? – still dependant?

16?

17?

25?

Where is the magic line?

Think about this, at your age – be it 28, 35, 40, 20, 22, what do you still need and want from your parents? Maybe it is a past regret – what do you wish they had done, maybe your parents have passed on, what do you still long for? A connection? An ear? Advice? A shoulder? Help? Guidance? Then how much more does a 12 year old need this? Amanda Todd was 12 when she made a mistake online.

For some reason, the industrial revolution pushes kids to early independence, if you listen to us, or watch us, parents start saying things like:

 “I don’t know”

“I don’t care”

“that is your choice, your consequences”

“Why should I help you with that”

“You made your own bed now you have to sleep in it”

Most of these statements – are probably true in their own right with a number of situations, the problem is what they convey to a young child’s mind. To the exact same issue, a parent could just as easily say (copy this list – I want it to be your mantra – your lines to rehearse and say, every day to your kids):

“I will take care of you”

‘this sucks, we will take care of it together”

“Sometimes we make mistakes – I want to help you fix it”

“I’m not sure, but Dad will help you find a solution”

“Every action we take has consequences, but I Love you, and we will see it through together”

“my love is deeper than any hole you could dig, I’ll help get you out of this”

There are many stages of maturing that go on with kids:

For a while they can’t eat – we provide!

For a while they can’t walk – we carry them!

For a while they can’t talk – we seek to understand them!

For a while they get sick – we spend hours in the ER!

For a while they do crazy stupid things – we bandage them up!

For a while they try new skills and fail – we encourage them to go on!

For a while they get hurt in relationships – we talk listen and comfort them!

For a while they struggle with their studies – we sit down with them!

For a while they get a job – we joyfully provide the transportation!

For a while they have dreams – we listen, encourage, and believe!

For a while they run into evil people – we protect their hearts!

Ok, so how?

It is your responsibility to “GATHER” your kids. Every day, multiple times a day, until they are out of your house, then even as adults, when you see them, gather them, connect with them ask how they are doing.

How?

It will all be in the eyes. And you know that this is true. How do I know it? – You experience it just like anyone else. Every single day. You do this with your friends like this:

You go out for coffee, they walk in, they don’t make eye contact, they are searching out the floor, there is no smile, they get coffee, sit, still they don’t look at you in the eye, they wait for you to say something, but, they haven’t engaged yet. Uncomfortable? They were fine yesterday, in fact yesterday they were happy and looking forward to coffee. Today they are – not here…. More uncomfortable moments pass, you have some small talk, weather, kids… but there is no connection, then not being able to stand it you say “Jill, what’s wrong?” you can see tears whelm up in her eyes, she is still unwilling to say anything, you instinctively reach out, and touch her hand, and then it happens, the tears come, the regret pours out, the story comes, about the fight they had, and the things she said, and THERE IT IS – WHAM, eye contact!!! Connection made. It is one of the magical things about human interaction. Now to flip the switch – it is your responsibility as a parent – to make this same deep connection with your kids – every single day. In the morning, after school, after hockey practice, after lunch…. Multiple times, every day, until you are tired of it, until you know in your heart – that they have been connected with – until they hear you and you hear them. Connect until it drives them nuts - and then turn it into giggles...(just tell them sheepishly that your nuts about them)...

Bullying

What has happened?

Kids are unconnected from their parents. And the human spirit, does not like a lack of connection – deep within us, is the primal instinct to be known, to be understood, to be heard, to be cared for.

And when kids get yelled at by their parents. When their parents say they "don’t care," when parents push their kids away to their rooms. When parents don’t "give a shit about [their] kids petty problems." When parents tell their kids to “deal with it” themselves. Kids are still longing for a connection – what happens? They connect with each other. Dr Gordon Neufeld in his ground breaking work on Attachment Theory calls it “Peer orientation.” When kids “don’t give a fuck what mom and dad think” and they instead listen to their friends about all things sexual, drugs, alcohol, friends, relationships, online activity, you have a problem. Why? Because teenagers are fickle, mean, on and off relationships – in short, they are not mature, and they were never intended to “Hold each others hearts” – that is what parents – or concerned, caring adults are for.

I have no control over bullies. I have no control over a major portions of my 12yr olds day. I don’t want her to be bullied, but she will be. And this does not mean, that I can’t hold her heart, engage with her every day, ask her how she is doing, and make eye contact with her. Every one of her problems is my problem - my responsibility.

Here is a list of things that keep us from making eye contact:

When you tell a lie

When you make a mistake

When we are hurt

When we feel vulnerable

When we fail

When we have done something shameful

When we have stolen something

When we have had a bad day

When we have hurt someone else

When we engage in something non age appropriate - sex, drugs, alcohol

If your kids won’t look you in the eye – something is wrong, it is your responsibility to figure out what. To keep your relationship the safest place on earth for them, and just like Bex ( @beckyainsley ), what wouldn’t mother bear do to protect her “little monster” from all the evil in this world? Just like her, it is your responsibility to maintain the connection, protect, guide, nurture, listen, talk, praise, and find the way out of any mess life brings – holding hands together.

slv2all

P.S. a lot of these thoughts come from Dr. Gordon's ground breaking work on Attachment Theory - read his book Hold on to your kids, go to his website for more info www.gordonneufeld.com