#disneydad or #SuperDad

#disneydad or #SuperDad?

I’ve been asked to blog, to write, to express some things. Being asked this is a blessing and a privilege.

When I asked what topics this is the list I was given:

Living your dreams, inspiring/helping/motivating others to take control of their health, diet/exercise, honest real life talk, positive changes you make to enrich your lie or your families, #disneydad for ex, ahh haa life moments, pinnacle seeing, the true meaning of life, being your authentic self.

Huh. Quite the list.

Normaly a post like this will bang around between my ears for a couple of days before I ever start typing. But it turns out this post has been banging around in my head for months. Inside the middle of that list is something I was asked to write about – and failed to. Maybe you saw it – its kinda out of place – the only one with a hashtag - #disneydad.

Someone asked me to write about Disney dad before – and I didn’t  or maybe I should say  I haven’t yet. Actually that isn’t quite true, I did write about it – at great length, I just didn’t post it, and now I’m ready to tell you why. First the definition of #disneydad is basically a dad that swoops in on the weekends, buys the kids the things they want, and then leaves the kids sugared up and goes back to his life while mom picks up the pieces.

So why did I struggle to write about it? Because I am #disneydad – (or used to be and am growing out of it). There is a term at our house – that used to be painfully relevant – I’m pretty sure I made it up in the middle of a fight “non existent father figure” I’m pretty sure I was doing some asshole thing like trying to make my wife feel worse for her trying to make me more significant in our family life – just to get her to leave me alone.

I’ve been #DisneyDad, and I’m trying like hell to grow out of it, into something more with my kids. And ultimately I’m hoping some other guys will take up the challenge of being more significant men in their families. So why wouldn’t I write about it? Why wouldn’t I throw down about these dads that are struggling with their relationships? Because – that isn’t the way to health. That would be the equivalent of being told you are an overweight un-self-controlled lazy, glutton who doesn’t follow through on his own goals the first day you sign up at a new gym – not helpful, mostly because I already know what is wrong with me.

Here is the other MAJOR reason I won’t write about it in that way and it was clarified by the election in Alberta. The moment I read Allan Hunsperger blog (I’m not going to get much more detailed on the ‘who’ than that) something inside me seethed with anger. The real kind of anger – the deep kind, that makes your face turn read and your hands go cold. Here is a “christian” talking about homosexuals like he has any idea what he is talking about. The reason I say “christian” is because Jesus (that founder dude of the whole Christian thing) didn’t say “I say unto you – publically demoralize, shame, and speak negatively about anyone who sins” He didn’t. Jesus said, “Love your neighbour” actually He said more than that, He said – “love your neighbour as much as you love yourself” If Allan Hunsperger was listening (to the founder dude-Jesus) he would not be saying what he was saying.

So, Where does this leave us? And what about that list of things I was supposed to write about? :-)

Let me tell you about the lowest point in my life. It was the point as a guy, I reached out to another guy, and said I needed help. I didn’t have the answers. I was stuck. No, I’m not talking about the time I high centred my H1 and had to get tugged by a Dodge (true story). I’m talking about a very different day when I asked someone for help. Here is the scenario – after being a #disneydad for over a decade, and a man that just sought to get his needs and desires fulfilled, and after three kids, my wife and I were expecting our 4^th child. 2 weeks before our due date, the child died. StillBirth.

Born Still.

A couple of weeks after the funeral with my wife still in obvious emotional pain, a thought flashed through my head. It went like this “my needs are not being met, and they haven’t for so long. I just want to leave.” I had had similar thoughts before, but this was different because of the context of our loss. And to this I simply concluded, in my next set of thoughts “I am a dick! Who thinks like this when their wife is in this much pain? I NEED HELP!” There are plenty of things us guys get help for – even though we don’t like to admit it. Someone else puts a new alternator in my truck. Someone else put the furnace in my house. Someone else helps me run my business’. Someone else makes diesel so I can drive. Someone else got a medical education to fix my blown achilles tendon. But then there is stuff we DON’T want help on. And Relationships is one of those things. But this was too much and I was at the bottom, so I asked for help.

I got help from of group of guys who, it turns out, also needed help, so we helped each other.

The good news – today is day 1004 of sobriety.

Most people read that, and say “Oh neat he stopped drinking.” Some guys read that and say “What a pansy he can’t control himself with liquor.”

But, that isn’t what I am talking about – actually I had two beer the other night while watching the Canucks win. So, what I am I talking about? Sobriety from? Simply put, sexual addiction. Mostly online porn. And it had gotten bad, actually so bad that I regarded sex as the only way I could feel love. So bad I regarded sex as my only idea of intimacy with my wife. So bad, it was ruining my life. And here is where I want to interject with a huge thank you to my wife. The woman who has became my best friend. She has forgiven much, blessed me more. She is a woman of beauty, and she is the love of my life and my best friend!

The next thing I want to say – and hopefully have you listen to is this.

Watch your WORDS!!!

Have a listen, to what you are saying, and how you are saying it. Start your change by speaking differently. You can say “my wife is such a _______” or you can say “I wish I understood my wife better.” This really was a turning point for me, instead of blaming my wife for our problems (playing the victim) or blaming my kids (playing the victim to children) or blaming my work (playing the victim to an organization) I started taking responsibility for the things I was supposed to do.

I wrote something on a sticky note and placed it on my desk at eye level. It says this “Super Dad”. I’m not very far into my role as a super hero with my kids. And frankly some of it is uncomfortable, and frustrating when I fail miserably– especially with my nearly 12-year-old daughter. But this is what we were meant for. We were meant to be the super hero to our kids. To have all the answers, or if not the answers, the means to them. To have super powers, not just the all seeing eye, or sonic hearing, or a booming voice, but the ability to hug your daughter longer than she wants to hug you. The super power to fascinate the mind of a five year old, and bend the will of an 18 month old in a way that has her laughing and giggling while doing what you wanted. The super powers to provide, protect, love and nurture your wife WHILE backing up the holiday trailer. The super power to make fire, with a flint stick, and show your kids they have this power too. You know what it takes? Creativity, willingness, internal strength (because most time I don’t really feel like it I'd rather drink beer and sit on the couch). You know what you will get as a result? The same thing all our super heros got, fans, followers, and believers. And trust me, there is not greater feeling in the world.

Disney is plastic. I’ve been there, they just took the thing of imagination and wrapped it with plastic from Alberta (via China), and then do the same parade every day. Its fake and its hollow, it leads to one good memory, but you can’t build a life off of it.  And sure, Disney has it’s super hero’s but they get shut off when its time for bed, you have the real opportunity to be a real live – “sure I can pick you up from that party because I love you and want to hold and protect you” – super hero. Sometimes super hero’s know what to say, and sometimes Super Hero’s know when it is best to say nothing. Time to take your super powers seriously, and become what I know we all can be. The reason I don’t want to sit back and bash dad’s that only see their kids on the weekends is because I know that will just drive them further away. There are ways of making it work, ways rooted deep within our human nature. Yes there are frustrations, but on the other side of them once we have learned a little more and struggled against self, is the joy of being a super dad. And if we focus on helping each other get better – maybe, just maybe we will actually get better.

slv2all

I’ll be running a class soon – starting on May 3^rd at JDFT fitness on Thursday night – it is called Power to Parent. We have an unimaginable amount of Power as parents, and I am hoping you can use it to have the very best in your powerful life! I hope to see some of you awesome Super Dad's there!

The only way out is IN

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

Why did I see you this way? Why did I see your pain? Why did I see, what you didn’t want me to see?

Simple.

Me too.

I’ve been alone in a room full of people. I’ve smiled, shook hands and been “happy” while on the inside I’m screaming: “WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY CARE!!!!!”

I too have gone through the motions of this life, I’ve gotten up, drove my kids to school, got coffee, managed my way through a day, gone home, eaten, cleaned, kissed, said I love you, slept, and repeated- and wondered how much more I could take.

And thought, “I can’t take anymore.”

How bad could it get?

Bad.

How do you get out of this loop?

?

Image yourself, and this loop, going round and round, each day, another trip around the vortex. There are a couple of ways to get out. Some choose to quit. Some choose to abandon families, to book out and “move on” but really they just move to a higher part of the same vortex further disconnected from the centre and what they really want. The centre looks scary as it gets narrower, tighter, it looks like death, its more comfy spinning around up at the outer rings. Or is it? Some people decide to just keep spinning exactly where they are, day after day, year after year. They just keep whipping around, with really no hope of anything changing, but no satisfaction in what is going on either, decade after decade until the ride ends. Some people choose to stop, each has their own method, their own way, they make the choice to end the ride early.

There is another way.

A couple of years ago, I found myself right at the top of that spinning vortex, about to get flung out or about to do something, end the ride? I don’t know if I was there, but there was a lot of nights, a lot of loneliness, in the midst of a world full of people. A lot of thoughts. One night in particular I was on a walk with my dog when I came to a set of train tracks. A train came to the crossing right at the same time I did. I don’t know if you have ever been there. I wasn’t in a place to decide that I wanted to end the ride, but I was in a place of contemplating that if I ever wanted to end the ride, maybe this would be a way to end the ride, and that, I shouldn’t but if I should, then I wonder if….

There is something about all that metal screaming past you at 80km/hr, the noise the rattling and the squeaking, that drowns out all the thoughts in your head, where all that remains is a few thoughts of clarity that scream through the noise.

I WANT a BETTER LIFE!!! Get me off this ride!!!

Then, the train passed, and I was left in the darkness of that night, under a star filled sky. With my dog. And as he nudged my hand, his wet nose pressing annoyingly against my fingers as if to say, “that was freaky, can we go now?” It was so quiet. He nervously sat down, as I just stood there, then he let out a little whimper, and laid down at my feet, not sure what to make of his Master at this moment. This and other experiences taught me something about this vortex we find ourselves going around and around in.

I decided there really only is one way out.

IN!

So, I pointed in, right to the centre, to the dark, scary tight, uncomfortable centre. I started talking authentically about things with the people I found there, the people that were still there, My wife, my best friends, I started talking about my addictions, my hang ups. I started talking and sharing about my hurts. I started talking about the pain I had caused, I started talking about how I felt like a failure as a husband, father, friend, and boss. And as I started going further and further in, and picking up steam, I found myself at the bottom of the vortex plunging through a crisis of self, and starting to come out the other side.

You know what I found? I found me, I found light, I found Joy, I found deep satisfaction in my relationships. I found Love with my wife. I found out that I have a TON to offer. I found that I can talk to my kids and be heard by them, I found freedom from addiction. I found LIFE!

What is the pointing in? It is attaching. It is getting close with other people, instead of constantly further away. Our society is adverse to it. We find it uncomfortable. We don’t want to know how you are “feeling” hell, we don’t even want to know how WE are feeling!!!! And so we end up blessed beyond measure, in the top 1% of the world, lonely as all hell, in a room full of people.

I’m going to bring this around again to talking about a tribe. A group of people that won’t let you die, that won’t let you down, that will speak into your life, that will be your compass point, that are there to help, that are there to hold, that are there to guide, direct, encourage.

When you started your welding career, or your oil field hauling business, or whatever gig you do, you started with a bunch of questions and no answers. There was a point in time when I did not know how to swing a hammer. Ever watch people with a “natural” ability to…. I don’t know figure skate? Or, play hockey? Or ___________? Turns out that “natural” ability isn’t natural at all, because going to 10,000 hours of hockey practice will probably mean you have a slightly better slapshot than me (I have never been able to ever lift a puck off the ice). So, have you ever seen someone with a “natural” parenting ability, or natural with relationships? Guess what? It ain’t natural. Those are learned skills that you can learn too. Just like you learned to Weld, just like you learned to back up a trailer, just like you learned how to write up a contract.

You know how I know? I didn’t have these “natural abilities” when I first started parenting, or when I first got married. Turns out I was a crappy dad and an even worse husband. Turns out, if you understand a few things about the way people naturally mature, it helps a TON, turns out you don’t have to be frustrated with your kids, turns out there is a better way, turns out you can have their hearts, turns out you can light every one of your relationships on fire, so it works for you AND them. Turns out you don’t have to be a selfish prick to get what you want, you have to give up being so concerned about yourself.

Turns out you don’t have to be alone. There is as TRIBE - all around you, waiting for you, wanting you, wish you would take the first step, remember - we are not good at this, so you are going to get push back, people don't want to talk - gravitate towards the ones that do. There are honestly all sorts of organizations and groups out there to help you out, but it is up to you. Point to the centre find your tribe, find who is really there for you. It turns out - you don't have to be alone.

You were laughing.

Inside I saw you cry.

You were with friends.

I saw you alone.

You were living this life.

I saw you slowly dying, wondering how much more you could take.

And then you turned to the centre, headlong to the only place that would help, back where you belong.

slv2all

Coming soon to the web, my TRIBE’S new meeting place www.OnePerson.ca

if you need help – Please just click this link, have a look around

www.suicidehelp.ca

if you want to talk to someone contact me on twitter @justinatthomson or by email ceo@heritagefamilyservices.com

It is good to just to talk, to share what you are thinking and feeling, sometimes, family is the hardest to talk to, so there are people on the outside, who can help.

A Better LIFE!!!

A better life.

Sometimes we retreat into the shadows. We move away, slink back, we don’t want to put ourselves out there anymore.

We are tired. We are drained. We are not satisfied.

We are lonely.

These are odd spots to be in. In a world full of people. In a world full of blessing. In Alberta, where the land bubbles with treasure from the deep that we did not put there, we just get to be the rich recipient of.

Election around the corner – Alberta puts forth a budget, so does Ontario. Our has 27% of our revenue coming from the royalties paid from what comes out of dirt. Ontario has no such revenue stream, theirs is income tax.

So here we sit in Alberta. Alone, wondering why.

A great deal has changed in these last 107 years. All of these changes impact you today, your life, what you experience every day, and the way you think, act and respond. I’m speaking about something that brings such Joy and excitement to life, it is hard to explain. I’m speaking about attachment.

Attaching to others. When Alberta was born, we understood this, but now we have lost our way.

Our now world screams independence, then, 106 years ago there was no such thing. It screams to us about having our own mortgage, our own family, our own kids, our own cars, our own life. Do you know what that leads to? It leads to a life on our own. Imagine that, in its full ramification, hunting, gathering, storing, living, all on your own. Sounds like a lot of hardship right? Sounds like a lonely existence. Sounds kinda scary.

But here is the thing, that is exactly what we, to a large extent, are doing. We are doing life alone. Why? Simple, we haven’t learned to Attach. If we would just consider, how attached we really are, how much we really need each other. How much we can’t survive day to day without each other, maybe we would realize that on a relation plain we need each other. I had a conversation recently about those who are “self actualized” you know what I found out? They had other people. They had a group, they had a tribe, they had friends, sure Gandhi was the spokesman, sure, Luther was the forerunner, sure Mother Teresa was in the spot light. But, what of the village, the group, the TRIBE that elevated them to that place? That pushed back, that held firm, that continued the work, that asked the hard questions, that cared, that loved, them, when they didn’t love themselves?

A better life?

Sometimes, in order to achieve our dreams we have to realize our own insignificance, and, how perfectly significant we are, at the exact same time. Sometimes, when we are unable to speak, we must allow others to speak for us. Sometimes when all we want to do is scream, and cry, we must let others speak on our behalf.

This world needs you. So many are saying “I don’t know” when deep inside, you know you have an answer. So take a breather, muster up your courage, tomorrow is a brand new day, and you are going to be just fine. But this is what we need you to do:

Attach

Relationally.

Believe, that I can handle what you throw at me. Believe, that I care, believe, that I need you, and you need me. Believe that we will be better, when we link arms. Believe that when you call me out, I WANT to respond, I want to do more pushups, I want to run farther, I want to lift more, and I want to be a better person, I want to be a better friend, I want to be a better man, I want to be a better husband, I want to be a better Dad. And maybe, just maybe you telling me that you care for me, but that I need to smarten up, is just what I need to start having a better life. A life of Joy.

What I need is a TRIBE.

And no, not a group of followers (I’ve got 768 of those on twitter) I need a TRIBE. I need people that are not ok with who I am, and who are willing to look me in the eye and with love in their hearts tell me they need me to change. I need a TRIBE of people that are asking, no BEGGING me to be my best, so they can follow. I need a TRIBE who when the going gets tough, have my back. I need a TRIBE of people that will sustain each other, help each other, fight for each other see the value in each other. Who will only show each others faults in the context of unending love and appreciation. I need a TRIBE.

As a matter of fact. I need it so bad, that I’m going to build one. I’m going to show others how to build one. I’m going to matter to them, and they are going to mean the world to me. Because if I don’t, I’m just going to end up alone. And that is one thing I don’t want to be.

I want a better life. One with deep abiding Joy.

slv2all