Bring Your Tears to Me!

Bring your tears to me!

I overheard a 4 year old today in a public place, telling mom “time outs DON’T WORK they just make me ANGRY. My own children overheard more, things apparently, the child apparently said “if you want me to be happy STOP GIVIG ME TIME OUTS. To be sure, public places with kids, especially leaving times can be VERY stressful, often in these times you have to rely solely on the status of your relationship with your kids. In an odd balancing act, your kids actually seem to hold the balance of power in public, so how do you makes sure things “go your way?”  Simple, make sure you have their hearts.

And ya, that isn’t so simple. (intentional grammatical error)

Something’s come into, and go out of style. Not just Prada, not just neon. Timeout’s came into “style” on the heals of another – worse – parenting habit, parents who were beating their children. Seriously, in response to some parents who were really struggling, unstudied “professionals” thought it better to have kids be away from parents during these times of high stress. But sending our kids away from us during times of disagreement in their lives (and repeating this over and over) created a new problem. Our kids learned how to be away from us. Sounds simple, but the effects are really quite catastrophic to relationships when you consider it.

Following the teaching of Attachment Theorist, dr Gordon Neufeld, I have learned, what really happens, psychologically, to children during a time out is that the child is stressed out to the max with proximity anxiety, and, conforms, just in order to be close to the ones she loves. You end up hearing things like “I’ll be good mommy, I’ll be good” But so the thought goes, that a time out was better then a quick swat to the behind, as most of the times this lead to parents abusing their kids. So what do you do?

Parents really do hold the balance between simultaneously “holding their child’s heart” while breaking it in the same moment” I’ll never forget the day I learned from Dr Neufled, about “doing the dance” between ‘futility’ and ‘love’ it is this dance that wins a child’s heart over keeps the relationship strong, while not letting a child rule the roost. Let me describe it this way, Sometimes the best answer is simply no, and it might even take you saying NO to get your point across. Let’s take steak knives, and oh, 2 year olds for instance. As my 2 year old reached for something on the counter beside a steak knife, I could only imagine the consequences, so I yelled NO! – freaked the poor little thing out- and saved the day. Then of course I hugged an consoled, a shaken little girl and told her lovingly why I did what I did, to love and protect her. You can literally transliterate that into ANY and all situations in parenting. Sometimes the answer is no about a movie, sometimes the answer is no about chocolate (thank you Easter candy) sometimes the answer s no about a certain friend (when they get older) and many many other things, wearing helmets, playing with matches – shoot , the list is literally endless!!!

About a year ago, I started doing something with my little 1.5 year old, I called it “Bring your tears to me” plenty of things make little kids cry. What we were doing was saying the place to cry is right here, on my chest, not easy all of the time, and frustrating most of the time.  The big idea is that kids feel taken care of in the moments that hurt most. The real challenge didn’t come with my little girl, the real challenge happened with my boy – who just turned 6, as my wife watched me with him, (in the middle of sending him on a time out) she asked – what about “bring your tears to me?” I took a deep breath and called him back.

Why is this important. Lets pull this idea out a few years (or decades) and ask a question, when all is said and done, what do you want with your kids when they are 20? 25? 30? Well, what I want, is to make that slow transition from Parent to Friend. How are we going to do that? I’ll tell you again, what you already know to be true, Habits are formed, by repeated actions, over the course of a long period of time.  If every time your children get into trouble, every time they get anxious, annoyed, or do something wrong, you send them AWAY from you, where does that take your relationship in 15 years? What habit are you building?

What if we built the habit of closeness during times of stress, or when our kids make mistakes?

Lets look at it from a different angle. You are an adult, and you have a friend, but each time you talk to your friend,  they speak to you in demeaning  tones, and continually tell you what you are doing wrong. Soooooo how much time would you like to spend with this person? Minimal amounts I imagine!! How do we do this with our kids? I’m not saying it is easy, but we (ME included – I fail at this EVERYDAY – just ask my wife – or my kids LOL) must change our language, we must change our WORDS!!!

I’ve said before, and I have heard other parents say before (and you have probably heard yourself say) something like this “I just can’t handle you right now” or “You are to much for me” here is the really funny thing about these saying that we say – we go on to actually HANDLE IT!!! We are sitting in a place where our words can actually be a powerful statement of how awesome we are, and we accidental take a weakened stance. I’ve hear dads say things like “I couldn’t handle if my teenager got pregnant.” Really? Bullshit! Because I have watched men, who previously said things like this, shop at Wal-Mart for diapers, and provide for their kids in moments like these.

I’m in process. I’m learning, and I’m failing. I end each day, asking my kids what they are thankful for, telling them how much I love them, asking them for forgiveness when I screw up. I’m not perfect, but I’m starting to understand that Words have POWER, and I’m starting to use language that empowers me as a parent. If I’m going to handle it anyway, I might as well say I’m going to to begin with. In regards to the stressful times, I’m brining my kids close when they mess up, I’m trying use different words when the going gets rough instead of saying “that is NOT how you tie your shoes” I should say “Here sweetie, let me do that for you, and show you how.” (and ya, that last one is a recent example from today…

Lets keep at this fellow parents, we are not done yet, we have time left, and we will get there – keep the dialogue open.

slv2all

Read Dr Neufleds book Hold on to Your Kids – available online as well as at Chapters http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288

Visit his web site: http://neufeldinstitute.com

And in the near future – come to a parenting class, or have a parenting discussion with us a Heritage Family Services (still in the works)