Loss of Hope

November 29

I have not forgotten, but how do I remember?

How do you remember what you have lost?

A smile, an old photograph, that sweater he used to wear, the way your eyes met hers from across a crowded church. That shirt he got, for finishing that race, his book collection, the way he always smiled even when he was mad, the way he wiped his hands on his napkin, or the way she zipped that last bit of her drink off her can, or the way she ate off your plate.

This world knows a million losses, and in each one of them there is something unique to be treasured.

The loss a father suffers of a child born-still is unique. A handful of us have experienced it, and in that handful only a few will talk about it. What the HECK do you say? What do you remember? What do you hold onto? It is awkward at best, because what is this loss like - like loosing a sibling, or losing a parent, or a distant relative that you barely remember?

no,

it is different than that.

For me it was and is, the loss of hope. Because as you father an unborn child -in reality- as a father, that is all you have. You may have felt a couple of kicks, or lived vicariously through your wife's experience. But really all you loose is the hope of what could be.

In a sense I lost nothing, in another sense I lost everything.

Part of me changed that day, and now years later what is starting to come back is hope. I think it has been missing, and I think I can see some light at the end of this tunnel.

Interesting thing the human soul is.

In the midst of this light, I get to face something else with my friends and family.

I'll be heading under a surgeons knife here in a couple short weeks.

Found a golf ball sized lump on my left thyroid.

Should be routine - in an out.

Strip the left thyroid remove the tumor with it.

and then

Hope.

Hope like everything that this tumor ISN'T, what it could be.

I miss most what my daughter could have brought me, and no, Keziah, you will never be supplanted - not entirely.

Never replaced.

Never forgotten.

Never Cherished.

slv2all