Guarded Blessing

My wife and I have been struck with a lack of Joy.

We have much to be joyful for. But we are guarding that Joy, and that excitement under a veil for one simple yet profound reason.

We don't want to be hurt again.

2 years ago, we suffered a great loss at the end of Lynn's 4th full term pregnancy, our Daughter Keziah Grace Hubert was born still on Nov 29, 2008. The tragedy tore at us personally maritally, and spiritually, and while God in his infinite grace has brought healing mercy to us it has been a long uphill battle. The really good news is that he has brought the restoration of our marriage.

One of the things that happened when we were going through this great trial is that I understood there to be a distance between us in marriage. This was noticed at a time when we were coming together to grieve - and yet there was this deep chasm between us.

I didn't like it.

And so with Christian brothers I we went to work on it. We went to work on me, and in the quiet confusion of pain and loss, I discovered an ugly truth about me, I was a sex addict.

I still am actually.

The difference today is that through gospel accountability, I realize that reality, and have fought it at every front. Today is day 428 No Porn, No self pleasing through masturbation.

And that isn't the great part - that is just the upside of the really ugly part.

And that brings us to today.

The entire of dynamic of my marriage has changed, in fact, my marriage has NEVER been like this, because see - I have been a sex addict since I was 13 years old - when I found my first porn mag at the end of a back alley near my house. Today I live in victory, my wife has full reign on my sexual life - she can ask any question at any time, and expect a full and honest answer. And my men hold me to that as well, we chew away at a high standard for one another.

So why 'Guarded Blessing' as a tittle?

Well here is the deal - we are at the very end of full term pregnancy #5 - and the usually excitement for a new baby is just is not there. Because we are protecting ourselves from the slim chance of another dismal repeat.


Here is my take away. Have you been hurt in the past? Don't let it steal your joy today. Don't let it steal your enthusiasm. Do let it harm trusting in people. Don't let it suck you into a vortex of fear and anxiety. And in here is a message for the people of God - maybe you have been hurt in the past, maybe something didn't work, or someone said something dumb, or made some foolish mistake, don't throw up a guard because to do so is to kill the very spirit the people of God are to be the ambassador of.

It is simple - the people of God are to bring the hope of the world. And the dismal reality is in a lot of places I just don't see it. And the reason I don't is because we are afraid.

The church is afraid of that guy who talks about Jesus while drinking a beer on a deck. The church is afraid of that guy who goes to that party with those 'worldly' people and eats to much, and drinks wine - and yet he talks about God like they are best friends. The church is afraid to get to close to people who use recreational drugs, and getting to close to people of philosophy and psychology and humanism, because the church is afraid it may be lured in. The church is afraid to let a muslim pray in our building, or to eat with them and hear about their spiritual journey, and before you know it the church is guarding the blessing it is meant to bring.


And in my experience when you guard a blessing - you will be struck with a lack of Joy.


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